The Blemish

New Kids on the Block reunite, sorta

By , 8:53 AM on Apr 01, 2008, 0 Comments

New Kids on the Block

Led Zeppelin, The Pixies and . They always say these things come in three. Somewhere, someone’s prayers were answered. And now, it’s my mission to hunt them down and slap them silly. On April 4th, all five original members of NKOTB will appear together (!) on the Today show. Though they will not perform, they will undoubtedly look back fondly on their days in the band, tell a few stories and update us with their current life. What is the effect of a million shoulders shrugging? Will it displace the world’s axis and send us spinning uncontrollably into the 4th dimension? Better not make plans past April 4th.

As an homage to NKOTB, I’ll bust out their moves on the dance floor this weekend. Assuming the world is still on its axis of course. If you see someone doing the running man in parachute pants, stop and say hello. ‘Tis Captain Swarthy!

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Tags: #new kids on the block

No one cares about Diddy’s kids

By , 10:47 AM on Mar 31, 2008, 0 Comments

Beotch

Diddy’s kids can’t get no love from People Magazine. Sources at the New York Post say this:

“They gave him lousy placement [in the Feb. 12, 2007] issue when Kim [Porter] had his twins, D’Lila Star and Jessie James.” If People paid anything for the photos, it was a tiny fraction of the $6 million the weekly allegedly paid for the images of the J.Lo twins.”

People Magazine also panned Diddy’s performance in “A Raisin in the Sun”:

“The one problem: . . . he stands there blinking, baby-faced, unable to leap into the actresses’ ring of fire.”

What do you expect? Diddy isn’t an actor. The producers probably needed some press and decided to give Diddy a chance. Just like when no one took him seriously as a rapper. Do you know why? Because he’s not a rapper! The guy’s a dancer. His talent is business. He’s the first hip-hop guy to understand endorsements, product placement and the artist as a Brand.

But Diddy, People paid $6 million for pictures of two half man-half rat babies. What does this say about your kids? You should’ve stayed with J. Lo. Your kids may have been prettier, though they might’ve been a bundle of teeth and ass.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Tags: #sean combs

Heather Mills, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger…

By , 9:46 AM on Mar 31, 2008, 0 Comments

Heather Mills

But, now that Ms. Mills has parlayed her one-legged sympathy act into a $50 million payday, it’s time to celebrate. Heather landed in New York to spend some of that hard-earned cash. According to the NY Post,

“Mills was spotted looking at condos and, later, partying it up with three girlfriends at Pastis…She looked like a full-on tart. She had on a tight bustier, really tight pants and four-inch-high boots. She looked ready for anything.”

Watch out Ringo. You’re the last Beatle left and she’s coming after you. She’s only got one good leg, so escaping shouldn’t be too hard. She did catch Paul though, but he was always more innocent and gullible. If you’re walking alone at night and hear a wooden leg scraping on the ground behind you, run Ringo, run!

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Tags: #heather mills

Miley Cyrus, the downward spiral begins

By , 10:24 AM on Mar 24, 2008, 4 Comments

Miley Cyrus

First came the lesbian experimentation. Then the racy bikini shots. Followed by the goth phase.

And now these pics of a haggard Miley wandering around LA. Where is her stylist? I want to know right now. Look at that unkempt hair. And flannel? People still wear flannel? Face it, she’s on her way to has-been status. Once that baby fat goes away, so does the adulation. I’ve watched enough VH1 and E! Entertainment shows to know. If she marries her backup dancer, then it’s over.

May God have mercy on her soul…

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

FlannelFlannelFlannelFlannelFlannel

Tags: #miley cyrus

Kevin Federline is still alive… why?

By , 9:47 AM on Mar 24, 2008, 0 Comments

celebrated his 30th birthday over the weekend in where else, Las Vegas. This place has become the new Hollywood. Everybody is always hanging out at Pure or Tao. Just once like I’d like to see someone hold a party at Circus Circus. You cannot beat their Midway games and the Russian trapeze artists never cease to amaze. When they swing down from their perch, you can sense their broken dreams. “Back in Russia, I work at Moscow State Circus. President come see me one day, say I can become personal acrobat of the state. I say niet. I want bigger dreams. I want big lights, big stage. I go to America. To Circus Circus.”

People has a more in-depth expose of Kevin’s party. What caught my attention was when they said, Kevin “expected to return home to Los Angeles, where sons Preston and Jayden remained in the care of a nanny and a bodyguard while their dad went to Vegas.”

Wow, on a milestone like your 30th birthday, what better way to celebrate than without your kids? Couldn’t he at least have brought them along and dropped them off with the acrobats at Circus Circus?

Up above is video of Kevin on the mic at his party. As usual, he acts like a jackass. Thankfully, he’s prevented from rapping by his friends. Friends don’t let friends like Kevin rap.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Tags: #kevin federline

Kate Beckinsale, world’s hottest woman

By , 9:40 AM on Mar 24, 2008, 2 Comments

Kate Beckinsale

The first time I saw Kate, I didn’t take much notice of her. Oh look, another beautiful Hollywood actress. La-dee-da. Then, I saw more pictures of her. I also hear her say things like eating vajajay. I’m hooked and think “Self, you got to hit that”. But how? That’s when I called up my friend who works in the “biz”. We brainstormed and came up with a halfway decent plan. He paid off a couple of paparazzi to let us know when they see her. Not totally original, but it was a plan.

Lo and behold, she stops by in Malibu. We get the call and I rush over there. Just as we get there, she’s in line to buy ice cream. Or candy. I couldn’t tell because her beauty was quite blinding.

“Dude, grab the camera. I’ve got a foolproof way to meet her.”

Friend grabs the camera, I line up behind her. And what you see are pics from the greatest moment of Kate’s life.

“Kate! I’m your biggest fan!” I yell, then pull out my wiener. *click click* The first two pics (here and here) capture her shy, schoolgirl smile at my boldness.

“Seriously, Kate, I’m your biggest fan”. I then pull out the rest of it. *click click* The next two pics (here and here) show quite different emotions from Kate. Shock? Terror? Panic??

I heard her murmur “Oh my”. The rest is fuzzy because LAPD then tasered me. Which is how I ended up here.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Tags: #kate beckinsale
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