The Blemish

Rihanna loves her booty

Rihanna

Finally, Rihanna has revealed the secrets to her good looks and tight figure. Wait for it..It’s diet and exercise!! This is revolutionary. Earth shattering. You mean twinkies don’t give you a six pack? *picks up empty Doritos bag* “You lied to me Frito-Lay’s! You said trans fats were good for me!” Harummphh.

People says that Rihanna says:

“I have egg whites and pineapple for breakfast with hot water and lemon…For lunch I have fish and potatoes. I hate vegetables, but I make myself eat them. For dinner I have fish again.”

While her body fluctuates between size 2 and 4, she says she is extremely proud of her booty. “I keep working at it as I want it to be perfect,” she says. “It makes my clothes look good – and guys like it!”

Oh Rihanna, let me work that booty with you. Zing!! Did I go for the obvious? I sure did.

People continues:

Having been named to PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful People of 2007 list, the singer, who claims she’s 133 lbs. and 5’8″, says she maintains her enviable physique by exercising with a personal trainer who helps her in her quest for the perfect body.

Wait.. Did someone say 133 pounds? Whoa whoa.. slow down porker. That’s getting up there don’t you think?

What’s sad is that I can be 5’8″, 200 pounds, not shave for days, smell like cigar smoke, have my belly hang over my belt by about 6 inches and STILL bed the hottest girls in Hollywood. You know what that makes me? A producer.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

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Rihanna Reveals Her Greatest Asset: Her Bottom [People]

Kate Hudson takes on Katherine Heigl

Katherine Heigl

Everyone loves a good catfight in Hollywood. Well, has thrown down the first gauntlet. According to usmagazine.com, she was asked about Katherine to which Kate responded:

“Who is she?” Hudson, whose movie Fool’s Gold opened at No. 1 its first weekend, said in UK Elle. “Oh, that girl in 27 Dresses? I just don’t think about that stuff.”

And out come the claws! Raawwwr! Ladies, let’s settle this the old fashioned way. With a pillow fight! Don’t be afraid to really go at it. Grunt like Maria Sharapova at the French open. Get nasty girls! And don’t mind me while I sit in this corner, slack-jawed and drooling.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Kate Hudson: I Don’t Know Who Katherine Heigl Is [Us Magazine]

Update: Kat Von D hates Jewish people

Kat Von D

All that ink must have gone to Kat’s head. , a reality show star on The Learning Channel (TLC) and tattoo artist in LA, recently left her former boss with a lovely parting gift. Ami, owner of Miami ink, received a personalized headshot of Kat reading “Burn in hell Jewbag” complete with a swastika signature. According to TMZ,

“No one witnessed Kat write the message, but Chris Garver, another tattoo artist on “Miami Ink,” tells TMZ Kat personally handed him the photo.”

TLC tried to cover it up to protect their new star, until Ami brought in the lawyers. At that point, TLC “went to a handwriting analyst who concluded “there is a 99% probability that ” wrote the message. In early July 2007, Avi’s lawyer went to TLC with the analysis. They simply sent him a letter back that acknowledged receiving the results and said, “We trust that this information will be kept strictly confidential.”

TMZ continues:

“Kat’s personal publicist issued this statement: “The recent accusation of a publicity photo of me with offensive and anti-semitic comments and graphics allegedly written by me is completely false and unfounded, and clearly a forgery. This was already proven many months ago to be 100 percent untrue. I always have been, and will continue to be an advocate for tolerance of all races, religions and ways of life.”

Hmph. Notice she didn’t deny handing the photo to anyone at Miami Ink. Right, and I’m not saying you’re fat, but certainly you’re not going to have MORE drumsticks are you? I’m surprised she didn’t say “don’t kill the messenger” or “don’t hate the player, hate the game”.

Kat should get together with Dog Chapman and star in a buddy movie. You know, Dog has one day until he retires. Suddenly, he gets murdered and Kat vows to avenge his death. Mel Gibson will direct and Kramer aka Michael Richardson will star as comedic relief.

The irony is that the hated “Jewbags” will fund the movie because they own Hollywood.*

*Sarcasm people! They don’t own Hollywood… yet.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Update: says she’s disgusted and calls the photo a forgery. It was copied using an autographed 8×10 she sent to someone. Full response under the cut.

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Lily Allen soothes the hurt by shopping

Lily Allen

How does a girl cure the pain of miscarriage? Well, either by eating or shopping. picked the latter choice. I would feel more sympathy if only there weren’t pics of her smoking in the first trimester. Does she want her child to have a third eye?

On one hand, a third eye wouldn’t be so bad. I could be 33% more efficient at viewing porn. On the other other hand, I would be spending a lot more money on contacts. Hmm…porn or money..I think the choice is easy.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

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Kelly Brook, permanent resident of St. Bart’s

Kelly Brook is my future wife. She just doesn’t know it yet

More pics of Kelly Brook. Unfortunately, she’s covering up her most important features. I love seeing her in a bikini. I love seeing her without one on. But now, I’m wondering what exactly her and Billy Zane do for money. Does Hollywood really pay that well? Maybe Billy Zane is still living off the royalties from his hit, “The Phantom”.

An even more pressing question is why Kelly Brook is dating that walrus. I can only imagine that Billy Zane has the biggest wiener in Hollywood and he’s using it as a pendulum to hypnotize Kelly. That hairy walrus should take his bald head back to the ocean. He looks like her dad. It must be true. Women want to date guys who remind them of their fathers.

Side note: Check out the naked tan guy. WTF?!? It’s like he somehow wandered off the pages of National Geographic into this photo.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

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Reese Witherspoon will not make out with Vince Vaughn

Jake explains the donkey punch

When she’s not protecting little Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese is out protecting her artistic integrity. Her new movie with Vince supposedly is to feature an innocent sex scene with the ever expanding actor.

A studio insider said: “Reese has an issue with the scripted love scene. It is meant to be a funny, ‘American Pie’-style romp, full of bumps and laughs, but Reese is such a prude, she thinks it’s just too much.”

However, with Vaughn being one of the film’s producers, Reese is unlikely to win her argument – despite being one of Hollywood’s most highly paid actresses and an Oscar winner.

It has previously been reported Reese, 31, has been unhappy with Vince’s behavior on set.

While she is keen to work hard and film on schedule, he allegedly turns up to work hung-over, forgets his lines and is constantly fooling about on set.

I don’t blame Reese. Who wants to even touch that drunken wildebeast? If I want to see an ape have sex, I’ll turn on the Discovery Channel.

Reese definitely is a prude though. She reminds me of those girls in high school who won’t even let you get past first base. You walk around for four years with an erection poking through your pants. Then, you find out she screwed the first guy she met in college. Not only that, it turns out she’s a freak and always down. Thanks a lot buddy! I did all the work and you get all the credit.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy