Kate Hudson just might be the world’s most perfect woman. Smooth, white skin. Soft features. Bubbly personality. Tight body.
Unfortunately, her kid gets in the way. Trust me. Have you ever been making sweet love with a woman, screaming like banshees and her kid walks in? So not cool. Especially when they start comparing your penis to daddy’s. Very uncomfortable. Who wants to hear that? – Captain Swarthy
Every white woman, at one time or another, has wondered if the stereotype is true. Hayden Panetierre is wondering if Ne-Yo has the answer.
The brothas must hate feeling like sexual objects. Every woman who wants the Mandingo experience seeks them out. They take a walk on the wild side, then go back to their lily-white world. Like Chris Rock says, everyone wants to be black, but no one wants to BE black. Don’t people know blacks have feelings too?
My point? Homie’s gonna put Hayden’s booty to sleep. - Captain Swarthy
Looks like Britney has a new man. The unwitting victim goes by the name Michael Marchand. Mr. Marchand works as a hospitality coordinator, what common folk call “waiter”. According to Life and Style:
“Brit instantly fell for Michael when she was at Mirabelle in early November. “Their chemistry was immediate. He’s very turned on by her,†says an insider.”
Aren’t people supposed to date up? Britney’s gone from Justin to K-Fed to random sex partners to this waiter. To think, we all used to joke about K-Fed. Look who’s laughing now.
According to Yelp and Mirabelle’s website, they serve fairly high-quality food with a classy atmosphere. Hold on, let me scan the menu.. yup, no mention of fried chicken and burgers. If eating involves utensils, count Britney out. Place a dinner fork in front of her and she would stare at you as if you had just pulled a sack of marbles out of your rectum.*
*I have tried this. Indeed, it is quite shocking and perplexing to people. Also quite messy. - Captain Swarthy
Fergie is hit and miss when it comes to sexiness. Sometimes, she looks so glamorous (ha ha! get it? the name of her hit single). Other times, I’m thinking back to Hillary Swank in “Boy’s Don’t Cry”. Sex with her could be quite the adventure. Just look at those ham-sized hands. She would force you to bend over and then repeatedly donkey punch you and all you could do is whimper. When you try to complain, she would just sing: “It’s time to be a big girl now/And big girls don’t cry”. - CS
An upcoming issue of US Magazine reveals clues to Britney’s recent history of unexplainable behavior. The shocking details include:
Personal Issues
“…that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.”
Family Issues
“Us has learned that Spears’ paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney’s grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son….Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney’s father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears’ brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.
When kids have sex at 14, they usually don’t end up valedictorians. If listening to Loveline has taught me anything, they usually were abused as children, feel a need to sexualize themselves early on and exhibit self-destructive tendencies. Check, check and check. Will this girl make it to 30? I wonder if Las Vegas has odds on this.
After reading US Magazine’s article, I’ve got a weird lump in my stomach. A foreign sensation rarely felt. Wait, wait.. I think I can put a finger on it. Yes. It’s sympathy. - CS
Editor’s note: Whoa, watch it with those “feelings”
With the current music industry slump, various performers have turned to side jobs to make ends meet. Patrick Stump, lead singer for Fall Out Boy, often temps at LAX as a baggage handler. Here, he helps Hilary Duff load her Louis Vuitton bags.
I cannot lie. Hilary Duff looks ravishing here. Usually, she reminds me of a horse, or a cute little pony at best. That’s not bestiality is it? - CS
