Posts By Seamus Heffernan at The Blemish

Paris Hilton’s new album leaked

By Seamus Heffernan, 9:58 AM on Aug 14, 2009, 15 Comments

We’re going to keep this part brief, since the more I am forced to know Her Heirness of Valtrex, the more I start sweating bile and broken dreams, but if you’re interested in hearing her latest attempt at cracking the music industry, knock yourself out at Earsucker (or up top). Needless to say, it ain’t exactly the Brandenburg Concertos.

Having now drained you of any and all hope for our artistic future, allow me to introduce you to venerable English actor Charles Dance, who saw his new drama “Trinity” bumped in the United Kingdom’s TV schedule to make room for “Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend.” As a man who works for a living and actually has the talent to assist him with these efforts, he naturally has taken exception to this:

“We’re putting too much energy into junk and reality television.

“[Trinity] was going to be shown in January or February.

“But they shelved it until September to put you know what in its place? Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend, which is possibly the most execrable piece of television I’ve ever seen in my life.

“God knows what the ratings were. It’s a piece of television for airheads, starring an airhead.”

I’m glad someone is coming out swinging about this show, because it’s not just awful (and it is truly that) but it is genuinely offensive. A fake show about fake people jumping through hoops to forge a fake friendship with a fake celebrity? Jesus, this makes “I Love You, Man” look like a fricking documentary. (And please, don’t assume I’m bashing this because I don’t have any friends. I have lots of friends. Loooaaaads, even. Why, as I write this on a Friday morning, I see my plans for this evening include a Hungry-Man dinner with some stuffed toys and action figures, followed by a long, slow walk by the university’s nurses dormitory. So, you know, I’m booked solid. Sorry if you wanted to hang.)

Tags: #paris hilton

Cops called to Jon and Kate’s following argument

By Seamus Heffernan, 7:50 AM on Aug 14, 2009, 1 Comment

Jon sends Kate a message

I long for a simpler, happier time, when I was blissfully unaware of the marital troubles between two self-serving, narcissistic monsters willing to whore their kids out on freakshow television for a few bucks. But these are not the times we live in, as RadarOnline is reporting there was a bust-up between the Gosselins when Kate interrupted Jon’s scheduled visitation time. So any attempt at maintaining the veneer of civility is quickly going down the crapper, then. Great, because there still are eight kids in the middle of this car-crash clusterfuck. God knows we wish ‘em well, but c’mon: in fifteen years when you read about the rehab stints, the failed acting careers, and one of them snapping and holding up a gas station for twelve bucks and some beef jerky, maybe you’ll be able to look back at all this and maybe fool yourself into saying, “Gosh, how did it all go so wrong?” I don’t think I will.

[Image: Splash News]

Tags: #jon gosselin #kate gosselin

Leighton Meester has learned a lot from not having a sex tape

By Seamus Heffernan, 1:07 PM on Aug 05, 2009, 0 Comments

Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester is in next month’s Harper’s Bazaar magazine decrying the cost of fame– presumably those particular costs that lead to reports that there’s a sex tape of you and some schlub from a few years back being shopped around for a distribution deal. Yeah, that’d be a drawback, all right:

“[The tape] is not real… So it makes me sort of sad. It’s unfortunate that it got carried as far as it did. I don’t want a lot of what comes along with all of this. I definitely understand the nature of people better now and that the mere allegation of something like that could be headline news. People think it’s real because somebody says it is.”

Um… I’m looking at those stills from the offending video and, well, it kinda does look like you, sweetheart. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason people suspect it might be real. It very well may not be you on that tape, but please don’t make it out to sound like we’re either suckers or members of the crack-but-corrupt Celebrity Detective team, determined to rustle out the flimsiest of evidence and make it stick. Really, it’s not that complicated. Sometimes, when there’s smoke, there might be fire. And sometimes, when there’s a foot-job between people who have those very special feelings for each other, there might be a rolling video camera.

[Harper's Bazaar, Images courtesy of Harper's Bazaar]

3 Photos »

Tags: #leighton meester #sex tapes

Jessica Simpson may be more successful than previously thought

By Seamus Heffernan, 12:13 PM on Aug 05, 2009, 5 Comments

jessica-simpson-dog-walk

Jessica Simpson is interviewed in the September issue of Glamour, and it pretty much covers what we expect of this fluff-ball, housewife journalism: hope will see you through the day, all my struggles make me a better person, this is all part of my journey, my Dad isn’t a creepy weirdo obsessed with micromanaging my career or leering at my epic tits etc., etc. But buried in the Q&A is this little, unforeseen nugget:

GLAMOUR: Let’s talk about your fashion line, the Jessica Simpson Collection. Your company grossed something like $300 million last year! Do you ever sit back and think, I’m a mogul?
JS: It’s an incredible experience, creatively. I love to work with my mom; we’re very hands-on. I get my inspiration from books, pictures, art. I might find a vintage scarf and say, “I think this should be our color palette.” And I love that I can write off all my shopping! [Laughs.]

I honestly have trouble believing this. Jessica Simpson as some business mogul? Really? I wouldn’t trust this hick with glitter glue and elbow macaroni at playtime. I mean, c‘mon: $300 million? Are you kidding me? Is this a made up number, something fantastical Glamour just said to make her feel better as she sat there spacing out, giggling occasionally, and eating her own hair? They could have said that she was worth a lifetime supply of panda bear hugs or a billion Klingon darseks and it would make about as much sense to me.

Tags: #jessica simpson

Beckhams to continue model marriage

By Seamus Heffernan, 11:38 AM on Aug 05, 2009, 2 Comments

In a new series of ads for Armani, former Spice Girl, former breast-enhancement enthusiast and (still!) queen of the soccer wives Victoria Beckham is shown successfully navigating a ladder in skyscraper heels.

The shoot is missing hubby and occasional modeling partner David, who is busy going through the motions in Major League Soccer while no doubt avoiding nanny-trysts and mocking texts from former Manchester United teammates, who continue to be amongst football’s elite in Europe, regularly winning trophies and continuing to build their legacy as one of sports most storied franchises. Meanwhile, Davey plays kick-about in something called the Home Depot Centre.

Anyhow, rumors have emerged that David may be doing a photo shoot in the near future, but not with Victoria. Instead, it would be Angelina Jolie. Beckham took no time in shooting this down, however:

“She’s an amazing person and so is Brad. They’re an incredible couple – got an amazing family. You know she wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t do it. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t do it because I’m married.”

Dude. It’s Angelina Jolie. Come on. And spare us the devoted husband crap. You’ve already messed around before, so getting a picture taken with one of the planet’s most beautiful women (and noted freak and relationship-buster) isn’t exactly out of your wheelhouse. Honestly, you could be married to a chick version Galactus and you should still be making up feasible cover stories and buying Tide to Go for the lipstick/blood that’ll be staining your collar. You know, just in case.

Click through the header for the HQ.

Tags: #angelina jolie #david beckham #victoria beckham

Esquire continues to bring the heat

By Seamus Heffernan, 9:45 AM on Aug 05, 2009, 6 Comments

christina-hendricks-esquire-02

Last month, perhaps Esquire magazine realized that waging war on their lad mag competition using Prada male models and tips for a closer shave wasn’t always working, so they raised their game and gave us a holy-smokes photo shoot of seriously underrated dame Mary-Louise Parker. Building on that success of bringing new and interesting hotness to the thinking masses in this post-Megan Fox celeb-verse, they’ve turned the lens this towards vampy redhead Christian Hendricks, who can be seen tempting souls and breaking hearts in AMC’s Mad Men.

Hendricks is stunning, make no mistake, but she’s disarmingly sexy. Intimidating, even. In her shoot, Mary-Louise actually looks like someone who would make you pie, tuck you in and maybe even read you a story. It might be out of Penthouse Forum, but you see where we’re going with this. She comes off as a bit nurturing, a giver. If I went to bed with Christina Hendricks I’d be panicked that anything I consider to be my best stuff would be met with, at the very best, sneering derision, leaving me to dampen my pillow with the sweat of my futile labors and lonely tears. Meanwhile, the next morning I’d wake up wearing a saddle, being told by a crop-wielding ginger bombshell that she needs a ride to work and this was a good chance to see “if you could be good for some damn thing, at least.“

Christina Hendricks in Esquire and at the premiere of Mad Men.