Despite receiving temporary alimony amounting to $40,000 per month, Hulk Hogan’s wife’s lawyer claims she’s broke and has requested the judge unfreeze some assets before her divorce is finalized for her own use. That probably won’t happen as the big jerk judge first wants “evidence” that Linda is actually broke in the form of bank statements. So anal.

Us says back in August, Hulk Hogan was ordered to pay for Linda’s cable, pest control, window washing and upkeep for their home. This begs the question, what type of opulent lifestyle does Linda Hogan lead that she uses up $40k a month? Does she have daily cucumber masks and stone massages from genuine Thai hookers flown direct from Bangkok? Does she splurge on age defying lotions made of ground baby elephant bones? Does she purchase skateboards and energy drinks for her “let’s get xtreme” boyfriend? Do tell, we’d like to know.

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Paris Hilton phoned into Ryan Seacrest and spewed some garbage about how she and Benji are on a break. She said “he is an incredible person” and hinted that there’s a possibility they may get back together and blah blah blah. I’m amazed at how little I care about this. I’d rather smash watermelons with my head than listen to Paris talk about her life. I think from now on, whenever Paris opens her mouth, it should be legal to stuff a sweaty sock or, like, an angry, diseased kitten in there. Whichever one is more easily accessible.

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Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s relationship has deteriorated to the point where the two are seeking couple’s counseling. A source tells Page Six they “fight like cats and dogs” and every day is another day of “screaming, crying and yelling.” Sam is apparently still in love with Lindsay but she can’t handle the arguments, mainly about their age difference, or the high maintenance. Another source said that when Lindsay’s relationship with Sam is over, she’ll go running back to men.

This is just Lindsay sabotaging the relationship because she craves cock. Keeping Lindsay away from penis is harder than fixing Tara Reid’s stomach. Many have tried, but all have failed miserably.

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Kristen Stewart looked really uncomfortable on Letterman yesterday promoting her new movie Twilight. She pretty much had nothing to say and looked like she’d rather be drowning her own cat in the kitchen sink. The experienced Letterman, however, smoothed the situation over by captivating her with his winning smile and taking a swipe at her knowledge of geography while Kristen sat blissfully unaware. The only thing that could have made this interview more awkward is if Letterman rolled his eyes and made that masturbation motion while she was talking.

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A judge today gave Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce his seal of approval. The Daily Mail reports that Guy may have taken only $4 million of Madonna’s money which was used to throw a celebratory dinner with his kids. He was entitled to half of Madonna’s fortune, but because Guy wanted to expedite the divorce, he elected to not take as much. Reports also say that he took the their estate and their pub estimated at $5 million.

‘All is not quite what it seems. The deal is 50/50 in terms of child access.

‘On paper anyway, Guy will not take any money. However all the security, travel and any other arrangements with the children will be funded by Madonna.

‘She has also agreed to give him a £2million sweetener as a kind of gift. This will not be seen in the court paperwork.

‘She will maintain his standard of living for the children. However that arrangement will also not be seen in the court paperwork.’

And Madonna took a sideswipe at Guy even as they divorced today  -  branding suggestions that he had not taken a penny as ‘fantasy land’.

Documents released by the court also indicate it was Madonna who petitioned for divorce citing Guy’s unreasonable behavior. What that behavior entails isn’t known. It probably has to do with Guy not succumbing to Madonna’s every whim. Like refusing to wear matching grass clothing or refusing to spot Madonna while she benches. Which, let’s face it, isn’t totally unreasonable. Not a lot of people can spot 550 lbs. Especially when they’re being emasculated in front of all the other gym members. Being called a “weak, whiny bitch” doesn’t exactly inspire one’s confidence.

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The New York Times put up a report today alleging Angelina Jolie has gained complete control over the media and is able to spin any story in her favor. The NYT claims that when Angelina sold PEOPLE the rights to exclusive photos of her twins for $14 million there was also a clause that any coverage had to reflect positively on their family. The magazine also had to provide an “editorial plan” as well as never using the “Brangelina” moniker to describe them. Brad and Angelina apparently hate that (Now you know what to call them on the red carpet). Times Inc. which owns PEOPLE sent out a statement denying these allegations but The New York Times plodded on.

Ms. Jolie expertly walks a line between known entity and complete mystery, cultivates relationships with friendly reporters and even sets up her own photo shoots for the paparazzi.

Most skillfully, she dictates terms to celebrity magazines involving their coverage of her and her family, editors say, creating an awkward situation for publications that try to abide by strict journalistic standards.

When Angelina stole Brad away from Jennifer Aniston, she also spun the coverage in her favor.

Shifting the focus is one of Ms. Jolie’s best maneuvers, magazine editors and publicity executives say. When she became romantically involved with Mr. Pitt, for instance, she faced a public relations crisis — being portrayed in the tabloid press as a predator who stole Mr. Pitt from his wife, Jennifer Aniston.

This time, it was Ms. Jolie’s charity work that helped turn the story. Long interested in international humanitarian work, Ms. Jolie appeared in Pakistan, where she visited camps housing Afghan refugees, and even met with President Pervez Musharraf. Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt made a subsequent trip to Kashmir to bring attention to earthquake victims.

In conclusion, don’t cross Angelina Jolie. She will crush you. And it won’t be the good kind of crushing that you pay for where a girl sits on your chest. It’ll be the other kind. The non-erotic kind.

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AnnaLynne McCord was running around the set of the new 90210 yesterday when gravity, friction and wind joined forces to pull her top down and expose her nipple to perverts like me. It was a monumental day in physics when these three forces put aside their differences to band together for a greater good. I’m tearing up here, man.

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Ashlee Simpson-Wentz finally gave birth to a 7 lbs., 11 oz., baby boy on Thursday night. Of course, no celebrity baby can be considered a celebrity baby if it didn’t have a moronic name. So what nom de plume did Simpson and Pete Wentz curse their kid with, ensuring them a childhood full of beatings and repressed anger? Bronx Mowgli Wentz. That’s right, Mowgli from The Jungle Book.

At least his initials, BMW, are appropriate since he’s gonna be ridden hard from K to 12 and will probably break down after the second year. Bronx better get used to playing with dolls. They’re going to be his best friends for quite a while.

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I kind of feel like that header pic too after these photos. Some ne’er-do-well or pervert — take your pick — was watching the heir to the throne Prince William take a leak in the middle of a game and decided it would be a great idea to snap pictures of his penis. Little did the photog know this makes him totally gay and, frankly, kind of weird. If you’re into royal golden showers, check the pictures after the jump. As always, NSFW and click through the thumbs for the uncensored.

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A Brad Pitt superfan dialed into Oprah during Brad’s guest appearance on the show and attempted to ask a pornstached Pitt about the meanings of his tattoos. Namely the iceman Oetzi and the Daniel Pearl quote ones. Brad politely refused to answer citing that they were personal. Specifically, he said, “Let me just say, if you have a partner it’s great fun, it’s a great thing to do together, it becomes personal and special in its own right. I’d rather just leave it at that.” Both Oprah and Cate Blanchett egged on the crazy stalker but Brad started getting annoyed and since no one wants to make the big baby cry, they eventually dropped it.

Christina looks a little excited. Calm down bitch, he’s not going to tell you anything. Christina is probably going to go on her Brad/Angelina forum and talk about what a meanie he was. Still, she’ll forgive him after he sends her an autographed headshot of himself which she’ll tape to her vibrator.

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