The Blemish » What Better than a slap to the face Wed, 29 Jul 2015 23:40:27 +0000 en-US hourly 1 View The Most Magical Live News Photobomb Ever Fri, 24 Jul 2015 22:06:00 +0000 News ratings have been dipping dangerously low for years thanks to the Internet usually moving faster than even the 24-hour news channels. Luckily for Sky News in London, some Good Samaritan magicians decided to help out with a new news format to help the channel increase viewership.

Sky News and journalist Ashish Joshi have both confirmed the video never made it to air which begs the question, “WHY?!” If I got all my TV news from a reporter oblivious to various shenanigans going on in the background, I would be so well-informed.

To be fair, it did take me two watches to know the actual news report was about the health care debate. I don’t live in England though, so I had some catching up to do. Plus I just had to see that magic again! Two watches, well worth it and now I’m privy to the NHS health care debate.

The best part for me? The camera operator just lets it happen. Even after a while, the trick is almost over, he decided to get a tighter shot and somehow, probably through magic, the duo is able to still blindly find their place in the shot. It’s almost like he lets them stay there over the tickering lower information just because they found their place so well. You are a hero, camera operator.

The comedy magic duo are known as Young & Strange, comprised of Richard Young and Sam Strange. You fellas, are living up to your wonderfully bestowed surnames, congrats men.

Oh P.S. Reporter Ashish Joshi would like you to know his reports are always magical, so step off.

]]> 0
We’re Not Alone. ‘Second Earth’ Discovered Thu, 23 Jul 2015 18:12:59 +0000 Well, I’ll be damned. Gonna be awesome to meet an alien blogger from another planet. So much to learn, so much to discover. Do aliens type with two hands or three? Do they even type? Maybe they write through telepathy via their alien brains which are plugged into a planet-wide network of brains.

Nasa has announced that it has found an extraordinarily similar planet to Earth orbiting around a distant star.

The planet, Kepler-452b, is described as a larger, older Earth and is located around a star 1,400 light years from Earth.

Fourteen hundred light years. That’s a lot, right around eight thousand TRILLION miles. Can you imagine waiting for the spaceship that’ll take you there? “We’re sorry passengers. Your flight has been delayed for a thousand years.”

It is the first terrestrial planet found in the habitable zone in a star just like our sun. Nasa said it is about 60 percent larger than Earth and lies in the constellation Cygnus.

The planet is so similar to Earth the SETI Institute is now listening out for signals from the star Kepler 452 — though so far it has had no luck.

NASA has found more than 1000 planets before and potentially a couple of thousand more candidates, but “most of those worlds are either much larger than Earth or rotate too closely around their sun to harbour life.” This one though, named “Kepler-452b”, mimics Earth, OUR Earth, so well.


Imagine the NASA scientists looking through their giant telescope and suddenly, a giant eye staring back at them. Then both people (or entities, what would we call new lifeforms?) recoil in surprise.

So much to learn as we find out more about Kepler-452b. Are there Kardashians on this planet? Do lifeforms on Kepler-452b feel extreme disgust at their version of the Kardashians? How do lifeforms take dumps over there?

Maybe we’ll visit the planet and find out it’s just a mirror image of our planet with everyone working at crappy jobs in depressing cubicles. Then we’ll realize space travel and alien lifeforms was all a farce and there’s no meaning to life. But until then, let’s pretend life is awesome.

]]> 0
How to Guarantee Zero Sex on Your Wedding Night Thu, 23 Jul 2015 00:45:38 +0000 You know how people love coming into their wedding receptions doing all kinds of dances and crazy things? Yea, well now there’s an example of why no one should ever do that. In fact, even without this video, no one should ever do that anyway. Yes, you’re married, you want to show everyone how crazy happy you are, but please, can’t people just walk in, say a few things and sit down? THAT would be totally groundbreaking nowadays.

This just-married couple came in dancing and all happy. The bride shakes her stuff as she makes her way to the front. And then you have Mr. Parkour here, trying out for the 2016 Summer Olympics. He executes a pretty good running backflip except for the part where he KO’s his new wife. Damn. He helps her up and the funniest part is then she falls down on her face again. Because, you know, concussion. Someone got no wedding sex that night.

]]> 0
Woman on LSD Flips Car, Strips Naked, Runs Into a Field of Kids Wed, 22 Jul 2015 18:25:17 +0000 When you do something stupid on LSD, you really have to get your shit together and act normal for the regular world. After accidentally crashing your car, what is more normal than stripping naked and running towards a field of children? Abigail Ralph doesn’t know.

The 26-year-old New Jersey woman took a little spin in her flashy 2004 Tacoma and decided to do some off-roading. By “decided” I mean, she lost control of her car and by “spin” I mean, the car flipped into an embankment. At this point, Ralph decided the best idea would be to strip off all her clothes and streak into a field of children who just happened to be playing softball at a Christian youth summer camp. Clearly her mistake in normal-ing was to run towards some vacation bible school which is heavily misadvertised as being a vacation.

After bystanders (aka Christian children having the best, and most educational day of VBS ever) caught Ralph and clothed her, authorities took her back to the scene of the crime, where her passenger was still in the flipped car, and arrested Ralph.

While her friend was loaded into an ambulance to deal with face and arm injuries, with the possibility of a concussion, Ralph admitted to officers that she had licked a piece of paper with LSD before the event.

The Highway Patrol officer on the case collected a most lovely detail during his backseat questioning, Ralph wasn’t even aware of the collision.

Ralph is now facing charges of felony DUI resulting in bodily injury, as  well as driving without a valid license… which might explain why her gut reaction was to take off her clothes (“no clothes, they can’t expect me to be carrying an ID!”) and run away from the scene. Curses being meddled by those kids and their softball.

]]> 0
Cheater Gets a Fitting Birthday Surprise Tue, 21 Jul 2015 19:43:29 +0000 So you catch your significant other cheating near their birthday, how do you reciprocate the wonderful surprise they gave you? Obviously, pack all their stuff and masquerade it as a birthday present!

Here we meet Bianca (cheater) and her soon to be ex-boyfriend. In the biggest travesty ever, the video cuts off right before the reality-TV-style drama.

“What is going on? Are you packing my sh*t?”
“Because I busted you cheating on me.”

How do you not notice your significant other’s pissed off tone when they are about to give you a birthday surprise, Bianca? Kudos to the ex-boyfriend who internalized his anger to make sure he could give Bianca the birthday surprise of a lifetime; you have to enjoy the obvious excitement you can hear in his voice.

Other ideas what you can get your cheating SO for their birthday? Take them to a super nice dinner, call them out, leave them with a nice check. Wrap a bunch of presents that all contain evidence of their cheating. Throw them a surprise party where you and your closest friends and family with catch that cheater in the act. Actually, the last one is the answer; just do that.

]]> 0
Marijuana Helps Bones Heal, Unfortunately, Doesn’t Require Psychotropic Properties Tue, 21 Jul 2015 18:34:50 +0000 Those looking to get their medical marijuana prescription just got a new injury to inflict upon themselves and claim: broken bones. Next seen, broken baby toes everywhere.

Researchers have discovered that the cannabidiol compound found in marijuana has helped rats with broken limbs. Unfortunately, for all you medicinal marijuana searchers, cannadibiol (CBD) used to heal bones does not require THC  meaning it is non-psychotropic.

The compound “markedly enhanced” the bone healing process, according to Israeli researchers, and in addition to mending those broken bones, CBD allowed for new mineralization of bone tissue leaving bones stronger and harder to break in the future.

Lead researcher Dr. Yankel Gabet thinks this is proof enough to have clinical trials as that would be the direct route for most substances that aren’t marijuana related. Unfortunately, because this is pot, non-psychotropic pot, basically non-alcoholic beer, there is drama. Dr. Gabet says, “While there is still a lot of work to be done to develop appropriate therapies, it is clear that it is possible to detach a clinical therapy objective from the psychoactivity of cannabis.” But why would you want to? Breaking a bone is painful and while it heals wouldn’t it be nice to ease through that pain with a little THC? Yeah, I think everyone can agree upon that.

]]> 0
This Anchor’s Diatribe Is a ‘U-S-A, U-S-A’ Chant in News Form Tue, 21 Jul 2015 18:07:51 +0000 You know those “Red, white and blue, these colors don’t run” T-shirts? You’re about to meet the real life news anchor version of that. Tomi Lahren, host of On Point with Tomi Lahren, ranted on her show about President Obama’s weakness against Islam and how it contributed to the killing of the four Marines in Chattanooga. Typical stuff. All while a huge American flag waves in the background.

Watching her outrage delivered in the most monotonous, emotionless demeanor ever reminds you of little kids who like to wear their mother’s shoes and play dress up. And hyperbole? Yea, she’s got it. When presumably talking about her boyfriend currently deployed in the Middle East, she actually says with a straight face:

“But the sad thing is, I was telling him last night, I think you’re safer over there than you would be right here in the United States of America.”

Riiight, safe. In the most dangerous parts of the Middle East. This lady needs to watch more Live Leak than Fox News. Ever seen those ISIS videos? That definitely is not happening in America. She goes on with her “U-S-A, U-S-A” bomb ’em to hell chant.

Be a leader. Someone. They, the radical Islamists, have brought the fight right here to the red, white and blue and it’s about time we bring it to them. Full force. Let’s show them what the United States of America looks like up close and personal. Show ’em what a B-1 bomber looks like flying overhead. Show  ’em what they’re messing with. Put the fear of God in their desert because clearly our lack of strategy isn’t working.

Well, well, look at Ms. Rambo over here. I can already see her in a tank’s hatch firing off a machine gun while shouting racist epithets. Wait, nah, someone like her, just likes to rant about terrorism, but only from afar. She’s better off just being America’s Cheerleader™.

]]> 0
Happy Hand Job Day! Japan’s Version of a Hallmark Holiday Tue, 21 Jul 2015 17:30:06 +0000 In Japan, Hallmark holidays are way less cute than Sweetest Day. Tuesday is Hand Job Day. This is not a joke.

Why is there a day to celebrate a sexual act worse when someone else performs it for you and reserved mainly for young teenagers? Because the Tenga company is using it as a marketing platform and everything in Japan is about business. Not shockingly, Tenga is a Japanese a sex toy company that features Tengaman, a Power Rangers-style “masturbation” mascot “hero.” Yes, everything in Japan does have a mascot.


(Guess what this adorable bear is a mascot for? Did you guess bullet train? I mean, duh.)

Not only is the holiday itself absolutely ridiculous, has a mascot, and is totally business-oriented, it additionally has a video trailer. Way to make Hallmark look bad, Japan. Meet the Red Rocket Ranger, Tengaman.

If I had to give a description of the video: ah, the modern day production standard of Power Rangers. Wait, no Tenga, the hand job is not becoming trendy. Why the fuck are skeleton bones fighting to stop a boner? Am I missing something? What did that guy put on his penis!? Is it eating him?

Thank goodness this trailer of confusion is only a piece of a longer clip that will be released Tuesday for Hand Job Day! There’s more to celebrate and watch! Also, that thing that man put on his penis? The “Original Vacuum CUP” that delivers “the ultimate suction experience” which I would like to point out is not a hand job Tengaman. If we’re gonna have Hand Job day, I expect it to be authentic.

]]> 0
Naked Performance Artist Stuck in a Tree Is As Funny As It Sounds Mon, 20 Jul 2015 23:22:40 +0000 Hilde Krohn Huse got stuck in a tree and that was probably the best thing that ever happened to her. Huse did some performance art piece where she hung tied from a tree. You don’t get it? Then you don’t know art. Huse’s video page describes her art:

In the film ‘Hanging in the Woods’ the viewer can witness the breakdown between performance and reality as the indented performance goes wrong and the performer is stuck hanging from the tree without being able to free herself or any visible means of help or escape.

Uhh, ok. And it means what exactly? Luckily she did it naked. That makes the video even funnier.

Huse got stuck up in the tree for three-and-a-half hours which I’m sure she never imagined would happen. A true artist suffering for her art. Thankfully, her friend heard her calls.

One of Ms. Huse’s friends eventually came to her aid after hearing the artist’s screams. Fortunately, Ms. Huse escaped with only a cut on the ankle and this story. The ad-libbed video, which is described as a “breakdown between performance and reality,” has all the hallmarks of a classic piece of video art: humor, nudity, and risk of bodily harm.

Ironically, this stunt got Huse selected to some fancy shmancy art show.

…Ms. Huse’s video was chosen for the prestigious Bloomberg New Contemporaries exhibition, where the work of 37 promising fine arts graduates in the U.K. is showcased.

That’s pretty much all you need to know about art. End up fucking up your own art piece and you get even more recognition.

Video NSFW.

]]> 0
Deadly ‘Atomic Wedgie’ Gets Guy 30 Years in Prison Mon, 20 Jul 2015 21:05:05 +0000 Who knew schoolyard pranks could be so deadly? Brad Lee Davis pleaded guilty to first-degree manslaughter earlier this year for killing his stepfather with an ‘atomic wedgie’. News OK reports;

The victim, Denver Lee St. Clair, 58, died after he was knocked unconscious and the elastic band from his ripped underwear was pulled over his head. The band ended up pressed tightly against his throat, strangling him.

The victim also suffered head wounds that prosecutors say would have been fatal if he hadn’t died from the wedgie first.

Once a bully, always a bully. Now Davis gets 30 years in the slammer where he’ll realize pretty fast that being the ‘atomic wedgie’ guy gets no cred at all.

The judge said he was troubled Davis took cellphone photos of the unconscious victim even though the victim was gurgling and clearly in distress from the wedgie. The judge also agreed with prosecutors that Davis beat his stepfather with some kind of object and then staged the crime scene to make it look more like an all-out fight.

Luckily, Davis didn’t Snapchat those photos out. Would’ve been a few more years added on for that.

Someone tell this guy “No wedgies, no wet willies, and no swirlies” in jail. Inmates HAAAATE those pranks. And they have zero senses of humor. They just end up raping you.

]]> 0