The Blemish » What Better than a slap to the face Sat, 04 Jul 2015 03:16:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Sarah O’Connor Tweets About Robot Killing Man, Has Never Seen ‘Terminator’ Sat, 04 Jul 2015 03:16:43 +0000 Oh god, Sarah (O’)Connor is a real person and she’s going to be leading us in the robot revolution.

Yesterday, Financial Times employment correspondent, Sarah O’Connor, tweeted out that a robot had killed a human being. It sparked Terminator fans to spot the coincidence and start preparing a robot revolution…and start tweeting Terminator references at O’Connor who has never seen the original film.

In real life, a German Volkswagen plant had one of its robots’ manipulator grab a maintenance worker and inflict fatal injuries by throwing him against a metal slab.

The tweet sparked fans to point out that in the Terminator robots began killing on accident before they turned to premeditated killings and soon under control of “Skynet”, artificial intelligence program robots will be taking over the earth out of human control.

Unfortunately, this reaction was lost on Sarah O’Connor who first admitted she didn’t know what Skynet is and then that she had never seen the Terminator films.

While it was just a twist of fate, Sarah (O’)Connor sent out the tweet, Clearly she is wrong, this is clearly not “boring stuff.”

]]> 0
Teen Realizes Too Late That Toilets Aren’t So Bad Fri, 03 Jul 2015 00:28:49 +0000 How many shitty puns can come up in this article? Well, there’s 1 right there. There’s about to be a shitload more. Because one teen from England died from a heart attack due to constipation.

Emily Titterington, 16, held in her crap for two months because she was scared of toilets. That’s right. Scared of motherlovin’ toilets. What did the porcelain god ever do to you, Emily? One pathologist got the case of a lifetime when she did the post-mortem on Titterington.

Dr. Amanda Jeffery called it “like nothing I have ever seen before – it was dramatic”. You can just hear the excitement in her voice. Usually it’s dead bodies from car crashes, natural deaths, what have you. But a dead body filled with shit? That’s not something you come across every day.

What does two months of shit even look like? And the smell. Probably smells like your grandfather’s bathroom times 100.

Titterington had bowel problems in the past, but doctors could never pinpoint the reason. Not even laxatives helped. Ever seen a mudslide? Oh ok, now we know. That’s what two months of crap oozing out of someone’s butthole looks like.

When the paramedic arrived the night of her death, the site of a constipated corpse must’ve been disturbing. Lee Taylor, the parademic from that night, described what he saw:

“I could see that her abdomen was grossly extended. Her lower ribs had been pushed out further than her pubic bone – I was shocked.”

Man, fear of toilets. That girl could’ve just dug a hole in the ground and took a dump. Who says you have to use toilets?

Whatever, she’s the perfect friend to cover up your farts. “Did someone cut a fart in here???” *everyone looks at Emily*

(Image courtesy of Flickr/Evil Erin)

]]> 0
Drunken, Trombone-Playing, Gun-Shooting, Camo-Pant Wearing Clown Arrested for None of Those Listed Things Wed, 01 Jul 2015 19:54:52 +0000 Any combination of: drunken, trombone playing, clown, firing a gun at a can, would create a great happening, but in Grand Rapids, Michigan, we hit the quad-fecta. 54-year old Daniel Patrick Stanchik was spotted sporting his best camouflage pants with a clown mask, intoxicatedly switching from playing a trombone in his garage to shooting a can in the street: a completely reasonable way to unwind at the end of the day.

Real life Krusty the Clown was arrested after deputies arrived somehow unamused with his inebriated spectacle…oh, and he was violating a personal protection order. Count of people who aren’t surprised? Zero.

The incident caused no physical injuries and is honestly just causing some positive mental trauma for myself. Unfortunately, it seems as if Stanchik was causing the more often seen negative trauma to his neighbor, whom he was legally required to be out of eyesight.

Monday, Stanchik was released on a $5,000 personal recognizance bond making me yearn for the day I find out what happens in court.

Additional ways I’m interested in this case: turning it into the best Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode ever.

]]> 0
Ridiculous Wedding Redefines the Word Classy: 26 Cops, 7 Arrests, 2 Hospitalizations Tue, 30 Jun 2015 17:10:25 +0000 As someone who binge watched My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding at what was clearly a low point in my life, I think every episode has just been dominated by a reality-TV-free Pennsylvania wedding.

One joyous occasion bears the majesty of seven arrests, a fist fight over whether 14 is a reasonable drinking age, a wedding attendant grabbing a police officer’s…baton, and the happy couple spending their first night separately with the groom in jail and the bride in the hospital with a touch of alcohol poisoning.

The night began with a guest finding a drunk 14-year-old and bringing the issue to his mother’s attention. She decided the best response would be to give a nice, reasonable punch to the informants face.

When police initially arrived, guests were making full use of the venue, running amok some shirtless and bloodied. The bride was found upset on the ground, surrounded by a circle of girlfriends, “very upset at what happened.” As order was being restored, the groom, clearly upset, challenged the officers to a fight.

“I tried reasoning with him, telling him that he didn’t really want to get arrested on his wedding night,” Officer Showalter wrote in the affidavit.

Clearly, he did, Showalter. Clearly he did.

Another guest was arrested walking out to his car covered in blood.Tthe police found three large folding pocket knives in his pants; obviously, he came prepared to the wedding…like for real, this must have been a weapon formal occasion.

Don’t forget about the crotch grabber. When the first officers reported, an intoxicated guest refused to let them in the hall yelling at officers and preparing to fight. Following protocol, police used a stun gun on him, only it didn’t affect him. On the second stun, instead of hitting the ground he just got more aggressive, so the officer took him down with a baton, slapstick-style.

In total, the upsettingly un-televised event required 26 cops, left the groom in jail, sent the 14-year-old to the hospital with a .16 blood alcohol level, and the bride there, as well, being treated for dehydration and alcohol poisoning.

If there was a Venn diagram between this wedding and a frat party, it would pretty much be a circle.

]]> 0
Stop Looking for Religious Deities, Michael Jackson is in the Clouds Fri, 26 Jun 2015 20:41:24 +0000 It’s not Jesus on toast anymore, it’s Michael Jackson dancing on the clouds.

The people of central Virginia witnessed a vague form of Michael Jackson seemingly dancing in a cloud formation during a lightning storm on June 23 nearly an exact six years after his death on June 25, 2009.

The photographer, originally unaware of his spiritual capture, only took the picture to capture the lightning storm for his storm chasing app and later uploaded it to the WTVR CBS 6 Facebook page.

“The image that you see of Michael Jackson just happens to be there,” The photographer John Plashal certified clarifying he did not alter the photo. “It’s pretty wild.”

Did anyone think it was altered…? It’s pretty Rorschach-y. I mean, I guess it’s there, but it’s mostly just a fuzzy two-tone cloud, right? Have I lost all my childhood fantasy?

Apparently, Pashal is a Michael Jackson fan which in no way influenced his vision in these clouds.

]]> 0
NYC Car Issued Multiple Parking Tickets While Driver Sits Dead in Front Seat Fri, 26 Jun 2015 08:35:25 +0000 Even death won’t save you from New York traffic wardens, whose title even conveys the level of pretentious assholery that comes with issuing parking tickets.

Lately, NYC’s finest…at-basically-being-the-worst, have been decorating recently deceased 47-year-old Mamadou Barry’s car with parking violation tickets while he sat dead in the front seat. Nope, they didn’t call the real police, they handled it themselves. It’s only imaginable they additionally wrote the tickets right in front of his unmoving body.

The car was eventually found in a zone banning parking from 11:30 am through 1 pm with two parking tickets, one inside dated for June 23 and another on the windshield. The day police were finally called, wardens had ticked both the car in front and behind of Berry’s but not his vehicle. So there’s how to not get a parking ticket in New York City, already have two and be very, obviously dead in the front seat.

Because it seems unlikely no one noticed the Uncle Bernie-ing, policing are investigating if Barry was seen but not reported, or whether he had some really convincing googly eyeglasses. They are also looking into why he wasn’t given a third violation.

Barry’s death appears to be of natural causes and not from the shocking price of a NYC parking ticket. He was allegedly dealing with health problems that required medication and somewhat frequent hospital visits to which he would drive himself. If you have a car in New York, I suppose you should make the most of it; caskets are expensive!

]]> 0
Three Men Stabbed for Wearing Skinny Jeans by a Clearly Sexually Insecure Guy Fri, 26 Jun 2015 08:16:55 +0000 Skinny jeans apparently too much for a California man who pulled a knife on three thin-panted men.

After sprinkling some homophobic slurs on the situation, 25-year-old Timothy Brownell decided the best course of action would be to physically cut off the jeans. Perhaps he assumed the poor men just couldn’t get out of their restrictive, ass-flattering, leg wear. Or maybe that would have been a safer assumption if he hadn’t called them “faggots for wearing tight jeans” first.

Brownell was arrested Tuesday on hate crime charges for which Sacramento police have stated they have zero tolerance policy, as they should since it is a crime and they are the police.

Victim Blake Abbey posted a poor-man’s public statement to Facebook Monday. “We did nothing to provoke them. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time. My arm was completely mangled by a 7-8 inch Rambo knife.” To be fair, clearly you did something to provoke him, it’s just something for which he’s not legally allowed to attack you with a knife.

A benefit concert is being organized for Abbey and his additionally stabbed friends titled “I Wear Skinny Jeans.” Currently, the only information on the Facebook event is “WEAR YOUR BEST SKINNY JEANS.”

]]> 0
Park Your Car Illegally in a Handicapped Zone and Brazil Will Turn It into a Parade Float Fri, 26 Jun 2015 08:00:15 +0000 Is there anything worse than someone parking like an asshole? Conversely, is there anything better than seeing said asshole be served some sweet, sweet vigilante justice?

Some Batmanly Brazilians decided to take the fate of an illegal handicap parkers’ car into their own hands. That or they thought he forgot his placard and decided to create a giant, car-fitting one for him, parade style. Covering every inch of the car in blue ticker tape with white handicap emblems on every side, the car was looking its Macy’s Thanksgiving best…Or Cinco de Mayo…It looks pretty piñata-y too.

Somehow, this embellishment did not please the man who had to take the walk of shame to his car in front of the hoards photographing, videoing, and cheering. Watch him struggle to unwrap the least wanted gift wrapping ever done. Perhaps social ridicule is the best way for this lazy parker to learn his lesson and could be implemented more often.

Now that you’ve had your laugh at douchey parking man, take a moment to consider the work that went into the elaborate parading of his car. If you even took a moment to think that maybe he had a good reason for parking like a supervillain, take this moment to realize a group of people had enough time to see that, devise a plan of attack, go out and purchase decorations, and then absolutely smother his car. Even for a culture that celebrates Carnival, that is some dedication. This is basically a work of art, sweet, sweet vigilante justice art.

]]> 0
Polite Banker Bumps Cocaine on the London Tube, Offers Lines to Fellow Passengers Wed, 24 Jun 2015 22:58:02 +0000 It’s known people in the UK are culturally polite, but 23-year-old Tom Osborne is taking it to a new level. Osborne, a British banker, was caught in a YouTube video casually parading out his cocaine for a bump before offering some to fellow passengers.

“Honey, don’t get rich,” he viscerally shouted between hits. Not having a problem with that, Osborne, but by no means is that going to stop me from making that same declaration an annoying number of times.

A London restaurant manager recorded the 2-minute show seemingly quite openly after he noticed the raucous and brazen behavior. After taking his own bump, the banker turns and politely offers some out to his fellow passenger/cameraman AND THEN checks to make sure he isn’t a cop. Sounds like someone needs to work on his order of operations.

In an absolutely shocking turn of events, people were just trying to get away from him, probably tutting the whole time. Don’t say you don’t ever get something for free, Tube commuters. Additionally, a witness confessed no one could quite believe what he was doing, because it’s not the NYC subway where anything can happen and all dreams come true.

Osborne was identified in the video by “friends,” like the shittiest friends ever, which has put him under investigation at his job in secure network banking. Additionally, it’s been reported by old schoolmates that Osborne is going through hard times, which honestly, who would guess when he’s snorting cocaine on public transportation… Everyone. Everyone would guess that.

]]> 0
Village Hosts Goat Beauty Pageant, ‘Your Mom’ Joke Hidden Somewhere There Tue, 23 Jun 2015 23:24:43 +0000 As a descendant of an Eastern European goat herding family, literally our last name meant “goat herder” –so thought out, I’m proud to find out those still living in Ramygala, Lithuania, still are nuts about the dumb-eyed, hooved-monkeys.

The village proudly supports the goat village symbol it has held since the Middle Ages with an annual goat beauty pageant. Oh wait, don’t be confused, the symbol has been the goat for ages, but this is only the 6th annual goat pageant. That’s right, people with better things to do decided dressing up goats and parading them around was the correct way to spend their time. To be fair, goats make goat cheese and that is a heavenly product deserving of minimally beauty pageants to maximally Aztec sacrifice.

Yes, the beauty pageant is exactly what you are thinking: fancifully adorned goats showing off their beauty, grace, and some sort of ‘talent’ that will never sway the judges away from the pretty girl.

The pageant is front ended by a parade that the translator called a “ghost parade” which regardless of its correctness I hope it will be referred to as such from here on out.

“Why a goat beauty pageant?” everyone besides Eastern Europeans ask. “Well there are many beauty contests for girls, so why not for goats?” philosophizes a man Ukrainian news identified as “goat fancier,” Marius Daniela. I would now like to take this moment to spark the idea of a goat competing as Miss Lithuania for Miss Universe 2016; I can’t be convinced ratings wouldn’t spike.

]]> 0