The Blemish » What Better than a slap to the face Mon, 28 Jul 2014 18:06:48 +0000 en-US hourly 1 A Juggalette Grinding on a Dude’s Gut Fri, 25 Jul 2014 20:07:12 +0000 At the Gathering of the Juggalos Thursday, this guy’s gut got the ride of its life when a jugalette grinded on it. Three 6 Mafia performed yesterday which is how DJ Paul was there to record this.

I call DJ Paul’s “Lap Band Dance” and raise him one “Lap Bands’ll Make Her Dance.”

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Woman in Montreal Plucks and Eats a Dead Bird Fri, 25 Jul 2014 18:44:39 +0000 No big deal. Just a woman in a bikini on the Montreal subway plucking and eating a dead bird she pulled out of a plastic bag. What? When you gotta eat, you gotta eat.

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3 Mustangs Attempt to Drift, All 3 Crash Thu, 24 Jul 2014 19:06:55 +0000 If you drive a Mustang, you probably know they’re straight line cars. That’s why when you attempt to drift them, you better know what you’re doing or else you’ll end up like these three idiots who all crashed their cars in the same place. “Hey, bro. Watch me drift!” *crunch* “Hey, bro. Watch me drift!” *crunch* “Hey, bro. Watch me drift!” *crunch* What is this? Groundhog Day?

More video here.

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The Most Satisfying Sound Ever Thu, 24 Jul 2014 07:42:58 +0000 On the surface, this may just seem like two guys failing miserably at a coordinated spinning something or other and cracking their heads. Dig a little deeper and you’ll discover that this is actually the most satisfying sound you’ll ever hear. The possible brain injury is just the cherry on top.

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Marines Confront Fake Special Forces Sgt Major at Funeral Tue, 22 Jul 2014 23:04:31 +0000 If you’re going to fake being a soldier, it’s best you do some research before you slap a bunch of medals on your uniform and claim you served everywhere in the world. A few marines noticed this guy, Robert “Bobbie” Bowen, at a funeral and called him out on his scam. I’m impressed he kept it up that long and didn’t piss himself and run away like a normal person would have.

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Pregnant Michigan Teen Strangled, Boyfriend Decapitated Tue, 22 Jul 2014 18:47:59 +0000 8-month pregnant Brooke Slocum, 18, contacted a guy she met on Craigslist for some sexy times with her and her boyfriend, Charles Oppeneer. Except, times turned decidedly less sexy when the man she went to meet, Brady Oestrike, kidnapped her, strangled her and decapitated her boyfriend. Not necessarily in that order.

Police chief James Carmody says Brooke’s body was found in the trunk of the suspect’s car. The head of her boyfriend is still missing.

Police got a search warrant for Oestrike’s home, and he fled. He fatally shot himself after crashing his car, after which police found Slocum’s body.

Carmody said it has been a “hellish environment” for officers as they investigated the various crime scenes, including Oestrike’s home.

Investigators collected at least 400 items from Oestrike’s home, including firearms, ammunition and knives. They also seized a number of electronics items and possessions from both victims.

Coincidentally, online is also where Brooke met her boyfriend Charles. Which goes to show. Don’t trust anyone you meet online. That’s why every time I meet a girl I found through the internet, I make sure to bring rope and duct tape just in case. At least that’s how I explain it to them.

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When Insurance Scams Go Wrong Mon, 21 Jul 2014 05:30:15 +0000 First rule of insurance scams: make sure you think your plan through. Second rule of insurance scams. avoid cars with dashcams pointed straight at you. Third, most important, rule of insurance scams: make sure the person you’re trying to scam sees you and doesn’t accidentally run your idiotic ass over when you flop on the ground like Cristiano Ronaldo.

While it’s unclear if this was actually an insurance scam or one of the dumbest pedestrians in history, one thing is for certain. He probably won’t be walking it off.

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This Cat Gives the Best Massages Thu, 17 Jul 2014 00:03:25 +0000 “Mmm, you like that? Yea. This works for the both of us.”

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A Rope Swing Gone Bad Wed, 16 Jul 2014 04:41:53 +0000 Reason 17 not to do a rope swing in Key West, Florida. Your foot might get caught in the loop causing you to slam your head into the rocks. I’ll just stay here in my dark cave of a room where my head doesn’t split open, thank you very much.

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Man Creates World’s Most Exciting Ad for World’s Most Boring Car Tue, 15 Jul 2014 23:24:21 +0000 You may not need a shitty 1999 Holden Barina hatchback but by the end of this ad, you’re going to want a shitty 1999 Holden Barina hatchback. In an attempt to sell his piece of crap car, David Johns created the slickdest ad he could for his aforementioned 1999 Holden Barina hatchback and put it on YouTube. Thus was born a 1 minute spot that would make even Michael Bay’s dick hard.

The video tells us “this is driving” and describes the vehicle as “Style redefined. Performance redefined. Luxury redefined.” Everything. Redefined. Some highlights of the car are that it’s only had one owner, comes with 10 months rego and includes matching seats. Freaking. Matching. Seats. How often do you get that in a used car? Rhetorical question. Never!

Not only did he create a video for the sale of his Barina, but he also made a website which could be slicker than the ad itself. You need to buy this car now!

Asked why he would spend all this time on what would at most be a $1,000 to $2,000 sale, Johns (who works for an ad agency) says “because I had the time and I just wanted to show off my skills.” He explained, “There’s so much competition for selling used cars, I wanted to do something clever.”

Clever it was because #buymybarina began trending on Twitter.

Some very tempting offers. But which one will Johns go with? Personally, I’d go with the cat one. I’ve always wanted to drown in pussy.

(H/T Mashable)

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