Madonna was asked whether or not she’d ever steal a baby from Malawai again. She replied, “Never say never,” and then cackled loudly.

“I have four children now and I’d like to think I’m a good mother,” Madonna told the Telegraph. “I feel a great sense of satisfaction in all areas of my life.”

I can think of other things I’d rather do than spend my days cradled in Madonna’s bony arms and held inches away from her shriveled breasts which now produce milk in the form of powder. Diving head first into a meat grinder would be one of them. Another would be having a threesome with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton without a condom. With that last one I’m hoping Paris and Lindsay’s diseases will battle for supremacy and leave my immune system alone long enough to build up defenses.

Someone should tell Katherine Hiegl that adoption was so last year because she unpacked her just-delivered Korean baby girl and slapped a few pictures up on her foundation’s website today. Her publicist said:

“Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley have adopted a 10 month old baby girl from Korea. Katherine and Josh have named their daughter Nancy Leigh and she will go by the nickname Naleigh. She is named after Katherine’s mother Nancy and Katherine’s sister Margaret Leigh. Katherine, Josh and Naleigh are together and doing well.”

There was a brief window of opportunity there to name her imported baby something decipherable, but it looks like Heigl squandered it on something as unpronounceable as Naleigh. I’m just going to call the kid “The Korean Heigl” from now on which is much better because it makes it sound like she’s a cage fighter. I hope Heigl is okay with that.

Katherine Heigl and husband Josh Kelley may be adopting a 10 month old Korean baby named Nayleigh this week after finishing up a six month adoption process. Since no one is quite sure how “Nayleigh” pronounced, they’re planning on nicknaming him/her (?) Leigh.

“She is thrilled,” a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com. “She and Josh are so happy.”

I feel sorry for this kid. They’re going to be raised by one of the bitchiest, most self-entitled actresses in Hollywood. She’s probably going to turn him/her into her own pet monkey. You know how Asian kids are good at math? This kid is going to be good at carrying 30 bags of clothes down Robertson Blvd. He’ll pretty much be a leper.

If you couldn’t tell by the wild cackling coming from Madonna’s home, the Malawian Supreme Court has officially ruled in favor of Madonna’s application for adopting Mercy James. Travel arrangements still need to be made, but Madonna should be getting her baby in three to five days. Rush delivery costs extra.

In the near future, rich people will be able to do all this online. They’ll have a list of babies you can choose from with videos and you can just check off the ones you want and then pay with PayPal. It’d be less of a hassle. Why should famous people have to fly to some third world country just to buy a kid. We’re in a recession.

The father of Mercy James, James Kambewa, who has never met his daughter says the outfit Madonna wore at the Costume Institute Gala is proof enough that she isn’t fit to adopt his daughter. Once again, the daughter he’s never seen. James snapped his fingers and said:

“I cannot imagine how this woman can want to be the mother of my Mercy.

“This can’t be a woman of 50. A teenage woman would feel ashamed in that gear.

“A woman is supposed to be a role model for her daughters.

“What morals can a woman of 50 have, who has no qualms in showing her delicate parts and displaying herself like that in front of her children?

“I don’t want my daughter anywhere near such a moral-less person.”

By delicate parts, I think he’s referring to her thigh. And in some strange way, I agree with him. Madonna shouldn’t be revealing any of her gnarled body parts. It’s disturbing and an affront to humanity.

Still, James isn’t one to talk. Later on he was asked to pick his daughter from a line-up. He chose an ox. Told that this was not his daughter, James, licking his lips, asked, “I still get to keep her, right?”

Madonna will do whatever it takes to get that baby she was denied adopting. She has told her architects to build a home in Malawi so “David Banda would benefit from a connection to his birthplace” and also to establish residency for 18 months so she can get that baby. Just like the prophecy foretold.

“Madonna has a big, beautiful plot of land over there already. She’s planning to build a girl’s school in the Chinkhota village and those designs are well under way.

“But she’s gone back to the designers and asked if they could accommodate a family home on the plot or on adjacent land.”

Madonna is determined, I’ll give her that. Most people would have quit and have gone to Asia to adopt their babies, but not Madonna. She wants Mercy. But why is she so infatuated with this child? We must ask ourselves this. Is it because Mercy’s bones are just the right density to grind into a fine powder potent enough to create an elixir which will grant Madonna 5 more years of youth? I think so, my friends. I think so.

Madonna has already filed an appeal to overturn the judge’s ruling that denied her adoption. Madonna’s lawyer, Alan Chinula says they were very surprised despite having the support of the Malawi government. Mainly due to the fact that Madonna has “been good” to them.

The Human Rights Consultative Committee were the loudest voice in not allowing Madonna to adopt. They say procedure needs to be followed and that letting Madonna bend the rules will give way to other people bending the rules like, um, pedophiles. Because, you know, flying to a Africa to buy a baby is a practical thing for pedophiles to do.

If you’re wondering why Madonna was denied, Us says.

“It’s a shocker, but [Chombo] belongs to the old school; she is very religious and a moralist,” a source at Malawi’s High Court tells Us. “She might not be in favor of Madonna’s lifestyle of getting in and out of relationships and her semi-nude stage antics.”

I’m glad the judge made the right decision. Now, Mercy will be able to live by a high moral standard for the rest of her life. Which will end when she’s either pounced on by a hungry lion or drowns in quicksand. At 15.

On Friday, a judge rejected Madonna’s request to adopt 3-year-old Mercy despite support from Malawi’s child welfare minister. Sources say Madonna was denied because of the residency rules that state prospective parents need live in Malawi for 18 months. These rules were waived in 2006 when Madonna first adopted David. She has the right to appeal to the Malawi Supreme Court, but no word on if that’s going to happen.

Uh oh. You wouldn’t like it when Madonna is angry. Madonna is going to go into their jungle and knock out a few elephants. In one night, she’s going to throw their whole ecosystem out of whack. She’s so vindictive, she might even go as far as to include Malawi into her world tour. She wouldn’t dare! Would she?

Madonna is still in the process of adopting 4-year-old Chifundo “Mercy” James from Malawi. While Mercy’s grandmother likens the adoption to “stealing” a baby and organizations have called the Human Rights Consultative Comittee claiming Madonna is using her wealth and celebrity to skirt the law, Mercy’s uncle has already signed off on it.

Madonna’s lawyer, Alan Chinula, says, “I am not sleeping sleepless nights over this.” Huh? Uh, that’s good to know, sir. I too am not sleeping sleepless nights because, for one, that wouldn’t make sense.

Touching upon the “archaic” laws in Malawi, Alan explains: “Laws must be dynamic. They must move with current trends.” In other words, changing the law for celebrities at their whimsy. Sort of like what LA does.

Regardless of all the controversy, they should just give Mercy to Madonna. Anything is better than being chased by a lion through your village. Even if the alternative is being bathed by the Material Girl. Eventually, Mercy will get used to the sandpapery palms and leathery skin. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the nightmares.

Angelina Jolie hasn’t finished her multi-cultural adopting spree just yet. The Sun says Angelina confided in ten-year-old Azharuddin Mohammed (Slumdog Millionaire) that she’ll be adopting an Indian orphan soon.

Angelina should just join the Babies of the Month club like I have. It was supposed to be Beers of the Month, but I marked the wrong check box. Anyway, to the foreboding quote:

In November 2006 they visited an orphanage in Pune and spent more than an hour meeting children and handing out toys.

The adoption centre’s chief said at the time: “Brad and Angelina were lovely and adore kids. Every move and every look of the couple was filled with love for our children and we were floored with their genuine affection.

“It was great excitement not only for our kids but for our staff as well.”

It would have been cool if Angelina told Mohammed she’s adopting an Indian kid and then said, “Surprise, it’s you!” and then told him she was just kidding and then pointed and laughed. Wait. Did I mean to say cruel instead of cool? No, I meant cool. Definitely cool.

Telling Hollyscoop at the Rock Fashion Week in Miami, the balding Fergie says that after her tour, she’d love to discuss adopting and maybe having her own babies if mother nature approves. The good news is that nature will not allow cross breeding and the baby Fergie ends up adopting won’t be genetically linked to her. The bad news, for the kid, is Fergie is their mother which is like being in a never ending nightmare. Her kid is going to end up asking the monsters under the bed to check for Fergie.

The Malawi Director of Child Welfare Services confirmed to Us that adoption proceedings are going full steam ahead. Madonna will be adopting 3-year-old Mercy James from Malawi. If you care for a little bio about the little girl then here it is:

The girl is “has no father and mother, they both died…We finished the assessment yesterday in readiness for the courts next week,” an official at the ministry of Gender and Child Development told Reuters.

Mercy is moving on up. She used to poop in a hole she dug with a Playschool shovel. Now she’ll poop in a room with doors and a nanny will wipe her ass. She used to get her daily vitamins from that weird weed growing in the backyard. Now it’ll be provided by the Flinstones. Mercy could punch through a wall she’s so happy. No more mud pies! It’s nothing but real pies from here on in, baby.

Turns out Malawi doesn’t think Madonna is too whorey to adopt one of their orphans. The AP reports that Madonna is hitting up Malawi this weekend to find a baby girl to take to America. An official from the welfare department in Malawi also confirms that Madonna will soon be arriving.

The adoption agency in Malawi are already teaching their babies how to do puppy dog eyes and have hung signs around everyone’s necks written in crayon that read “Looking for a good home.” Everyone, that is, except for little Susie over there. No one wants to teach her anything or hang squat around her neck because, between you and me, she smells and is sort of a bitch.