On October 12 at the MTV Africa Awards, the audience had trouble hearing Wyclef Jean so Akon was nice enough to provide him with a microphone to speak into. No homo.

Despite having a birth certificate, Akon says he doesn’t know his real age. In 2006 he said he was 25. Now he claims he’s 31 because his birth certificate says he was born on April 16, 1977. He’s like the Catherine Zeta Jones of rappers. The AP writes:

Some have accused Akon of trying to push back his age. But the singer, who was born in the United States but spent his early life in Senegal, where his family is from, says he never knew it. Akon says when people ask, he just gives him a figure that comes to mind. Right now, he says he feels 21.

At what age do you have to be to be half retarded? That’s how old Akon should say he is. He has a birth certificate. It’s not like his mother gave birth to him while running from a lion. His age is recorded. On paper. By the US government. So, from now on, when reporters ask how old he is and he says something stupid like, “I don’t know. To me, age is just a number. Let’s say I’m 21 because I feel 21 right now,” the reporter should whip out a copy of his birth certificate and be like, “What does that date say right there. Yes, very good. 1977. Now subtract this year from that year. What do you get? 31. Very good. And how old does that make you? Sound it out. Thir-ty one,” Basically, patronize him until he decides to kick your ass.

[Image via Splash News]

Akon performed on Jimmy Kimmel the other night when he jumped into the audience to crowd surf. It turned out to be a bad idea or good idea depending on your definition because a fan grabbed his crotch. Not like a timid touch-and-go grab either, mind you, but rather, It looked like whoever did the cupping wanted to take a handful of gonad back home with them. If they were any tighter on Akon’s nuts, they would have needed to call his HMO.

What do you do when you’ve carved out a niche for yourself based solely on a fake background of “doing time” and “being from the streets” and are invited to be the lead act for the princess Sheikha Hessa of Dubai only to be replaced by an urban rock violin group called Nuttin’ But Stringz at the last minute and moved to an earlier slot thereby severely damaging your street cred and having your feelings hurt? If you’re Akon, you pout like a little girl the whole night. Page Six reports:

But when the princess heard Stringz, the band made famous on “America’s Got Talent,” warming up, “she gave them Akon’s place in the lineup, making them the lead act,” said our source. “He was pouting the rest of the night and wouldn’t talk to anyone.” A rep for Akon told us: “He performed for an hour and there was no pouting.”

Poor Akon. There weren’t any little kids to throw into the crowd or 15-year-old girls to dry hump either. This turned out to be a piss poor night for Mr. Convict. Hopefully his millions of dollars were able to console him.

Remember in April of last year when Akon dry humped a maybe 15-year-old girl and then in June of that same year, threw a 15-year-old kid off the stage onto some chick’s head? Well, Akon performed in Guyana, South America on August 30th and I think you know where this is going.

During his set, Akon tried to crowd surf to another part of the venue and when he made his way across, a female super fan started hugging him and wouldn’t let go. So, Akon being Akon turned around and punched her out. Problem solved. Crisis averted. Whew. That was a close one. She could have had a knife or, like, rough hands.

On a sort of related note. You know that joke about the one black eye and not having to tell her twice? This video made me think about that, but it doesn’t work in this case because Akon didn’t even tell her once.

In interviews, Akon has consistently claimed that he was in prison for four and a half years for his role as the ringleader of a “notorious car theft operation.” He says he’s escaped cops in numerous high-speed pursuits and went down only because his underlings betrayed him. Inside the “joint,” 150-pound Akon “fought almost every day for two years,” defeating inmates of varying sizes to become a champion among inmates. According to him, “I knew where to hit you to knock you out, so I didn’t fear you.” Amazing, right?

Wrong. The Smoking Gun did some digging into Akon’s past and pretty much disputes all of his wild stories. He was never part of a notorious car theft operation and the only time he was connected to a car at all was when he was driving a stolen BMW. He spent several months in jail (far less than the four and a half years) for that until charges were dropped. The only felony he’s ever been convicted of is gun possession which earned him three years probation.

The Smoking Gun has more details. It’s a long, but interesting read. To sum it up, even I have more street cred than Akon. For instance, one time I held my penis sideways and shot a girl in the face with it. “Blamo, blamo, blamo!,” I shouted at her.

Akon has been charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second degree harassment for tossing a 15-year-old kid off the stage and onto the head of a girl in June. The girl said she suffered a concussion from the incident. This was all because the kid threw a pretzel on stage and I guess that really set Akon off. Akon despises pretzels.

The boy landed on Abby Rosa, who told the Poughkeepsie Journal she was later found to have a concussion. She said she has hired a lawyer and spoken to Fishkill police.

The singer’s Manhattan lawyer, Benjamin Brafman, released a statement a few days after the June 3 concert at Dutchess Stadium saying there was no basis for criminal charges. A call to his office Thursday evening wasn’t immediately returned.

Akon is great. He tosses people around with no regard for public safety like a caveman. Sounds like an awesome hobby. How do you train for this? Do you start by throwing babies and move up to pre-schoolers and then middle schoolers? I can already toss a newborn infant 40 feet. Should I move to the next level? Inquiring minds want to know.

The kid Akon threw. Not K-Fed’s son.

Another victim of Akon’s best He-Man impression has come forward. 26-year-old Abby Rosa of Delaware County says the 15-year-old kid Akon tossed off stage landed on her head which resulted in a concussion.

“I stood there for a few minutes because I was completely dazed. It took me a few minutes to get out of the crowd, to get to the First Aid tent.”

Rose notified GM Jason Finkelberg and finagled VIP backstage passes out of him for her and her friends because, let’s face it, what sane American wouldn’t. Finkelberg recently stated he only heard about the incident Sunday night even though he knew within half an hour. The 15-year-old boy in question has not pressed charges, but did walk away unscathed and left Dutchess Stadium shortly after he was manhandled like cheap hooker. Meanwhile, Rose wants an apology. And possibly more free stuff. Like a car. Or a pony. Or a pony car. With tassels. And a horn that plays La Cucaracha. Just kidding, I made the tassels part up. They look too much like fire in the wind and old people get scared.

Fearing legal action, Akon’s attorney issued a statement alleging no crime took place.

“Given the information that we have reviewed to date, it does not appear to us that Akon was involved in any criminal conduct whatsoever,” the statement said. “We are prepared to fully cooperate with any law enforcement agency that may be investigating this incident. We are confident that after a thorough investigation it will be apparent that no criminal prosecution of Akon is warranted.”

Being Akon’s publicist or attorney would be a pretty sweet gig. Me being lazy, my statement would read: “It’s because he’s black, isn’t it?” After that, everybody would get all wide-eyed and apologetic and eventually, forget it ever happened.

Fishkill police (holy crap, there’s a town called Fishkill) are searching for the boy Akon threw off stage Sunday at KFEST. The article says the kid threw a pretzel at Akon which didn’t hit him. At which point, security asked Akon if he wanted to bring the kid up. He said yes and the rest is a lifetime of chiropractic history.

“We’re trying to identify that kid, just to find out whether or not we have any kind of criminal offense. We are looking to speak to him. No victim. No crime.”

WSPK, the radio station that put on the event, GM Jason Finkelberg said of the incident, “I don’t think he intended malice on this guy. I think it was in the spirit of the show.” Huh? Seems like Akon gets into the spirit of things way too easily. Remind me to never go to his concert. I don’t want to be dry humped and thrown off the stage. Well, at least, not without dinner and a movie. And flowers. There’s gotta be flowers. I’m a hopeless romantic.

Verizon has severed all ties from Akon after the dry humping video of him and a 15-year-old girl from Trinidad surfaced. Security Minister Fitzgerald Hinds chimed in on Fox News that Akon should be prosecuted.

Verizon promoted Akon as one of the musicians on its mobile-phone music service, and said it would no longer sponsor the Gwen Stefani tour in which Akon, who recently performed on “American Idol,” is the opening act.

Akon would be smart to lay low for a while. Preferably in a community supportive of his unique marketing tactics. I hear jail is nice this time of year. There’s nothing better on a hot summer day than being confined between four slabs of cool concrete. Avoid the daily shankings and it’ll be a virtual paradise. Even Paris Hilton is doing it.

It’s official. Akon was dry humping Deena, the 14-year-old daughter of Pastor Dave Alleyne of the unfortunately named Flaming Word Ministry of Chaguanas. Alleyne described the video as “atrocious”, but forgot to rhyme it with supercalafragalisticexpialadosish for added emphasis. Pastor Dave says his daughter was a victim who had no control over what transpired and doesn’t blame her. Unlike Alec Baldwin who would have been humiliated and quickly straightened her ass out.

Deena was filmed dancing with the superstar during his performance at the Zen nightclub last Thursday in Port of Spain. She had won the first stage of a competition which carried prizes, including a “free trip” to Africa. There was however no free trip to Africa as at the end of the competition, Akon said he was Africa.

Brilliant, Akon. Just Brilliant. “I AM Africa.” On another note, I don’t want to take anything away from what happened, but this girl is 14? Seriously? Christ, she has a tramp stamp and the requisite belly piercing already. What the hell is going on? Does Trinidad use a different calendar than the rest of the world? More confusing pictures after the jump.

Whoever posted that video of Akon dry humping the 14 or 15-year-old girl took it down before I could save it so I had to replace it with another one. Now a wonderful person has brought it back. There’s also a report from Trinidad News about the incident. Apparently, it was some mock contest like Miss Universe, but instead of talents and achievements, it was fucking.

Later on, Akon would have his way with the petite young lady: turning, twisting and even flipping her body, while mimicking sexual positions and acts all over the stage for three consecutive rounds.

I still find it funny how Akon just ups and leaves once he’s done. Usually, I’ll wait around until the girl falls asleep so I can take her panties as a souvenir before I book it. Uh oh, I’ve said too much.

Rapper Akon gave a young female fan a special treat during a Trinidad show at Club Zen. Unimaginative simulated sex. The rapper, best known for his song “Smack That”, dry humped the girl every which way on stage. After a minute, Akon can be seen scuffling away prematurely. Having been used and discarded like Kleenex at a Babes of Star Trek convention, the unidentified female curled up into the fetal position and mumbled, “Best. Concert. Ever”

Also, it’s not clear how old this girl is. People on Youtube say 15. That’s obviously an ugly rumor designed to hurt Akon. She looks more like 16.

Note: The original video is back. I put some other video below of a different Akon concert.