GQ must be siphoning ideas from my head because here’s Alessandra Ambrosio wet, in a bikini. She’s most notable for being a supermodel for Victoria’s Secret. She’s less notable for teaching me a few Portuguese phrases like “You’re so big,” “Please give me another screaming orgasm,” and either “You’re the greatest lover ever,” or “Wrong …

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Alessandra Ambrosio was seen sucking off some guy’s face and getting her ass grabbed the other day. In most parts of the world, this would mean she’s taken and unavailable. In my part of the world, this just means more chloroform and a bigger knife and possibly tufts of hair caught in my car’s bumper.

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Alessandra Ambrosio was out washing her car after a hard day at the beach. Apparently, that’s what supermodels do. That and have hot monkey sex with me. But that’s a story for another time. Oh, you really want to hear about it? Well, then. Let’s just say everyone and their dog left happy if you …

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I promised you asses in bikinis yesterday and by golly, I keep my promises. Alessandra Ambrosio celebrated America’s independence on the beach in a bikini. She’s so patriotic. Her hobbies include flaunting her body and smoking. My hobbies include lighting things on fire. Love connection? I think so. And while I don’t enjoy making out …

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Since it’s the weekend, here’s something for you guys to look at while I feed starving children in third world countries and discover a cure for cancer. Alessandra Ambrosio’s ass. Mmm, ass. A lot more after the jump.

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That perfect supermodel body of yours going to waste? Choose from this seasons hottest bikinis and be content knowing only you, Ms. 5′10” Size 0, can pull this off. What’s that? You don’t have a supermodel body? Shame on you fatty. Aww, don’t cry. If you’re embarrassed about those stretch marks or oozing fat, pick …

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Alessandra Ambrosio is seen here modeling something pink and sitting in one of those futuristic chairs that never took off. You know, the one you bought to try and be trendy, but ended up returning because it reminded you of a free standing jock strap. And that may not have been a bad thing if …

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As I mentioned before, Alessandra Ambrosio turned 26 last Wednesday. And what’s a birthday without a birthday party. Unfortunately, my invitation was lost in the mail. Sorry to let you down Alessandra. I know you wanted to make out with me instead of that douche in those pictures. Lucky for you, I’ve sent you my …

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