Alex Rodriguez has dated Madonna and Cameron Diaz and the reason it didn’t work out was probably because not even they had enough muscle for him. Here’s Rodriguez throwing a party at his mansion in Miami with a bunch of built women doing cartwheels all over the place. I’m surprised a penis didn’t sprout out of his forehead with this much testosterone flying around.

That girl up top is straight out of an R. Crumb comic.

Brace yourselves. Famous for some reason actress, Cameron Diaz, has broken up with Alex Rodriguez. One source says they’ve since gotten back together but another source says they’re still split.

“They are broken up right now,” the source tells PEOPLE. “They are still very close. There was always a certain magic between them.”

Calling the decision mutual, the source says: “They’re still close friends and will continue to be close friends. They have considerable respect for each other.”

Was there always magic between them? Or was it that no one else could stand them? The only way I could tolerate Cameron Diaz is if she was in Saw and had 30 seconds before a bear trap clamped her mouth shut forever.

Alex Rodriguez must have finally seen Cameron Diaz under fluorescent lighting because the two have called it quits.

An insider says, “They’ve broken up. Cameron is hurt and betrayed, because she tried so hard to please him … She went overboard.”

Much like Sean Penn, A-Rod didn’t seem too broken up about it either.

A spy tells us that A-Rod was “a hit with the ladies, with several women just walking up and giving him their phone number. But he seemed more interested in hanging with his friends including Ingrid Casares, and spent a lot of time talking to Angie and Brooke.”

So A-Rod dumped Cameron because she tried so hard to please him to the point of what sounded like she was smothering him. Wow. Stop the presses. Never in the history of the world has something like this ever happened.

“You will do as the A-Rod says and the A-Rod says to feed him.” — A-Rod, Super Bowl XLV.

Alternatively, “Durr, durrr, durr.”

[via IOT]

Cameron Diaz spent the weekend in Mexico with Alex Rodriguez and that meant everyone got to see her old, fug ass in a bikini. I heard after Mexican officials got wind of this, they formed their own death squad to hunt down and destroy this eye-raping abomination. Wow, Mexico. Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

Kate Hudson is supposedly pissed at Cameron Diaz for getting her sloppy seconds. Alex Rodriguez recently hooked up with Cameron Diaz after he split with Kate in December.

A source says Kate believes this is payback for when she dated Justin Timberlake in 2007 after he and Cameron broke up. She also says Cameron is an aging actress trying to stay relevant.

Page Six reported last month that the A-Rod/Diaz affair was “casual, with neither pushing for commitment,” and that the third baseman had also been linked to a bevy of Miami beauties. But even that was apparently too much for Hudson, who was constantly at Yankee Stadium last year, cheering on her then-boyfriend. Superstitious Bombers fans even heaped praise on Hudson for A-Rod’s clutch playoff performance.

“Kate thinks it’s payback, pure and simple,” the insider told Us Weekly. But things have been tense between the women for some time. Hudson has been happy to remind pals that she scored a coveted spot in the musical “Nine” that Diaz had craved.

A pal of Diaz’s scoffed at any barbs Hudson might fire Cameron’s way: “She [Diaz] thinks it’s a joke Kate would be mad . . . Kate is only upset because she hates being single.”

Ladies, ladies. There’s only one way to settle this argument. In my backyard. Where there’s a tub. Full of Jell-O. Two will enter. Only one will leave. Hopefully topless. Rawr!

OK! says that Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz made their “debut” during the Super Bowl festivities last week. Why anyone would make a debut with Cameron Diaz is beyond me, but Cameron was drunk and shaking her ass at A-Rod.

“A-Rod and Cameron have been totally hooking up,” the insider dishes to OK!, adding in their obvious affection during the CAA party on Saturday night in Miami as further proof of their passion for each other.

“They were having a great time,” a partygoer tells OK! while Cameron was “grinding on A-Rod.”

According to the partygoer, a tipsy Cameron was being very, “fun and flirty,” with the Yankee player sitting on the couch beside her as she, “was dancing by herself and then turning into [Alex] some.”

A-Rod has gone from Madonna to Kate Hudson and now to Cameron Diaz. In between he’s banged models and more models. This doesn’t make sense. Madonna looks like a gnarled oak tree come to life, Kate Hudson looks like a ten-year-old boy and Cameron Diaz looks like the Joker from Batman. Is this some sort of punishment for sleeping with all those models. Like in exchange for banging all the girls from Miami modeling agencies, he has to stick his dick into death itself (Madonna) and then in Cameron Diaz? Maybe it’s like a cool-off period for his crotch or to keep his penis’ ego in check. Like, A-Rod doesn’t want his junk to get a big head or something.

A-Rod reportedly broke up with Kate Hudson because she was too clingy and he felt tied down. Now that he’s single, A-Rod has been going out with a different woman each night.

On Saturday, he was spotted at lunch with one beauty in South Beach and then took another girl out for dinner at restaurant STK that night.

“He has been seeing a petite brunette from New York,” the source said. “While he was in the city, he had a private meeting with Madonna at his home. They have stayed in touch and text each other all the time.

“He has also been hanging around with the girls from Wilhelmina Models in Miami. He picked out a curvy blonde from their books and took her to the Bahamas for a charity event two weeks ago. And he was pretty pleased with himself to be dating two girls in one day last Saturday.”

You mean to tell me A-Rod can just pick out women from modeling books like he’s at a human buffet? To make it more exciting, does he close his eyes and point to a random one? Jesus. They make it sound like he’s a Saudian Arabian prince. Pretty much all A-Rod has to do is point to any woman and say, “you!” and then they magically fall in love with him. Is he some sort of warlock because when I do the same thing, I get maced. Is there a phrase I’m supposed to be chanting?

It’s that time again for Kate Hudson. Baby making time. Hudson just turned 30 and she’s ready to have another kid, reports In Touch. She already has Ryder, 5, with ex-husband Chris Robinson and a “friend” says she wants him to have a brother/sister.

She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility.” But the pal adds that A-Rod, who has daughters Natasha, 4, and Ella, 16 months, with ex-wife Cynthia, is just not ready for more kids right now.

If A-Rod could, he’d love to take a baseball bat to Kate’s biological clock. He doesn’t want a kid complicating a good thing. Namely, their ambiguous relationship. How’s he supposed to get laid on the side when groupies know he’s really dating Kate Hudson.

A-Rod isn’t done conquering Hollywood quite yet. After taming Madonna, he’s moved on to more feminine pastures. Namely, Kate Hudson. He conquered her in the backroom of a bar at 1 AM in the morning.

Our source said a bartender at the Southwestern joint at 85th Street “was asking patrons not to go in the back room around 1 a.m. because A-Rod and Kate Hudson were back there making out.”

Then over the weekend, Hudson was seen leaving A-Rod’s apartment.

That’s cool. I guess. Anything is a step up from Madonna. He could masturbate with tabasco sauce and then slam a car door on his penis and it still would have been better than sleeping with Madonna.

C'mon guys. That's not funny!

Selena Roberts, the person who first broke the steroid story about Alex Rodriguez, has another damning report about the slugger. This one is less about performance and more about how his teammates called him Bitch Tits because of the man boobs he developed from using steroids.

According to Selena Roberts, “Bitch Tits” didn’t stop using the ‘roids back when he was on the Rangers — as he stated publicly — but cheated all the way to NY. Roberts claims in 2005, A-Rod’s teammates noticed “he put on 15 pounds in the offseason which included round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids.”

Hence the nickname “Bitch Tits.” Selena then added that after every practice, Alex’s teammates would steal his underwear from his locker and throw it up on the roof of the batting cage which always made Alex cry. Kids can be so cruel.

[Image: Splash News]

The latest issue of that magazine that everyone thought had died, Details, put A-Rod on the cover. Right below text that reads, “How Jesus can save your career.” Does Details think A-Rod is Jesus or that Jesus saved A-Rod’s career? I’m a little confused.

Although, what’s more confusing is the photo they included of him kissing himself in the mirror. Am I to interpret this as A-Rod is gay for himself or is this just how he practiced kissing Madonna? Because if it’s the latter, that wouldn’t be realistic at all. Madonna has much bigger traps and a thicker mustache.

Alex Rodriguez talked to PEOPLE and denied all rumors that he and Madonna are together. He claimed they are just friends. Pressed for more details, A-Rod reiterated the just friends statement. Rodriguez even insisted that he has “never been on a plane with her.”

Really? Someone should tell Rodriguez about this incredible new invention: the camera. It produces things called photographs. Snapshots in time, if you will. Snapshots like these of A-Rod getting off a plane with Madonna which refute his claims. Tomorrow I’ll teach A-Rod about the internet. It’s a series of tubes invented by Al Gore which passes information to the entire world. So, say, if you had grainy pictures of yourself with a certain someone on a plane, theoritically the whole world could see it and point and laugh at you.