In the November issue of Allure, Ashley Greene compares herself to Angelina Jolie and Demi Lovato to Jennifer Aniston. This lofty association based on the fact the two share an ex in Joe Jonas and because fans believe there’s bad blood between the two even though Ashley says that’s not true.

“I’m really happy that she’s doing well,” Greene says of Jonas’ 19-year-old songbird ex, who split from the singer shortly before he hooked up with Greene. “She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn’t go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie.” Us Weekly

I’m shaking my head so hard right now that I just gave myself whiplash. I know you’re my imaginary girlfriend, Ashley Greene, but you’re a bit player in a glittery vampire franchise. It’s not the time to be comparing yourself to Angelina Jolie. In addition, Joe Jonas is no Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise, maybe, but definitely not Brad. I swear, I can’t take you anywhere.

Jennifer Aniston is in the February 2011 issue of Allure where they make her do a photoshoot like this. Who’s she supposed to be JonBenet Ramsey?

In this picture, she looks more like Jennifer Lopez than herself. What’s going on here? I don’t get it? Is she lying with a teddy bear because she’s childless and has to pretend to be her own baby?

Anyway, in the issue, she tells Allure she hated her old haircut, “the Rachel”. She says it was “the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen.” Ha, the joke is on you, women who went out and got “the Rachel”. Jennifer Aniston secretly laughs at you fools. She also says her ass is the hardest place to workout on her body and that NBC sucks now.

“Look at Baby George. Baby Clooney. ER was right next door to us on the soundstage. That was really fun. I remember when we used to do crossovers like that. See, NBC used to be really cool. Then, you know…”

Sadly, that may have been the most interesting thing she’s said in years.

Heidi Klum is 36 but it seems like she’s been around much longer than that. It almost feels like she should be 50 with the amount of time she’s spent as one of the greatest models ever. Which is why it’s confusing that she still looks so good. Tara Reid and Carmen Electra are around the same age but they look nothing like Heidi. If Heidi was a fresh cut bagel, those two would be a bagel that fell under the bed and molded over in the two months people spent ignoring them.

What I’m trying to say is: Tits! Specifically in the April 2010 issue of Allure. Heidi looks amazing. And in one picture she’s covered in whip cream or cream cheese. Not only will your penis be satisfied but so will your stomach. Images might be NSFW.

Allure coerced Eliza Dushku, Padma Lakshmi, Lynn Collins, Sharon Leal and Chelsea Handler to get “naked” for their latest issue. Technically they are naked, but you can’t see anything which is pretty lame. As Billy Bob Thorton would say, it’s like mashed potatoes without the gravy.

I did enjoy the mini-interview Eliza Dushku gave though.

ALLURE: Are you comfortable with nudity?
ELIZA DUSHKU: “I grew up with three brothers, and I was never shy about covering up. It got to the point where my mom was like, ‘OK, honey, it’s time to put some clothes on now.’”

I have no idea what that means. What does having brothers have to do with walking around naked? Is she saying that girls who have brothers are more inclined to walk around the house naked or is she saying her brothers told  her to walk around naked? And if it was the latter, can they do that? Without being arrested, I mean?

Allure: Hey Cindy, welcome to the shoot.
Cindy: Hi. Thanks for having me.
Allure: Let’s get started. First, we’re going to have you tear this loaf of bread.
Cindy: Okay, sure.
Allure: Great. Now we’re going to have a robot shave you.
Cindy: Uh, I don’t really get it and I don’t have facial hair, but okay.
Allure: These look great so far, Cindy. Now, you see that shaving cream that the robot used to shave you with?
Cindy: Yea…?
Allure: Have you ever done nudity before?
Cindy: Not really.
Allure: That’s alright. You won’t be completely nude.
Cindy: Um.
Allure: Anyway, see that shaving cream? Can you get naked and lather your body with it?
Cindy: Is this like a metaphor or something?
Allure: Oh, metaphor…. ya… sure…
Cindy: [confused, lathers body]
Allure: Fabulous. You look beautiful. Gorgeous.
Cindy: Thanks.
Allure: Okay. Now we’re going to hang you by your hair from a rope.
Cindy: You’re not from Allure, are you? And I’m never going to be able to leave, am I?
Allure: Nope.

NSFW if you stare really hard.