Alyssa Milano and CAA agent David Bugliari are engaged to be married. Unlike Jennifer Love Hewitt who was engaged to be dumped on Christmas. A date has not been set but they’ve been dating for about a year.

“I’ve gotten such s— about my dating choices,” she told Details in 2007 of her penchant for romancing Major League pitchers (including Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and Brad Penny). “Like, every single article … is about how I’m ‘the chick that dates athletes…”

Alyssa Milano used to be pretty big back in the day. Now, not so much. I don’t see how this engagement affects anyone other than the people who watch Poison Ivy II and Embrace of the Vampire every year on their birthday hoping their wish of Alyssa coming out of the TV and blowing them comes true.

Finally, a child star who didn’t go off the deep end. This girl must be 30+, but she’s still in the masturbatory fantasy lineup. She’s batting about 8th or 9th. Able to get me going, but sometimes I have to concentrate a little harder though. Pinch hitters like Jessica Alba come in once awhile to bring me home. These pictures show a veteran player cognizant of the necessary sacrifices to maintain a long career as masturbation material. Notice the tight abs, hint of cleavage, the rounded mounds of booby. This is one ex-child star who would never let a chalupa pass her lips. And when was the last time you saw her vagina? Notice the keyword: “you”. Me, I saw it on Tuesday. These high-powered binoculars really do work! And they were on sale. Really, who can pass up a sale?

Guest post by Captain Swarthy

Is this Alyssa Milano? She looks a little bit chunkier and older in these pictures. In fact, I dare say she bears a striking resemblance to Teri Hatcher in the third picture. Christ, what is the world coming to when the image of Teri Hatcher pops into my head when I’m looking at Alyssa Milano. Angels playing harps should be descending upon me, not a naked grandma putting her nails to a chalkboard. I might as well kill myself now if this is what happens to girls like Alyssa.

What happens the day after Halloween is everybody gets around and stares at pictures of celebs in Halloween costumes. Uh, ok, that’s just what I do because I’m a lonely individual.

Alyssa Milano dressed as Tinker Bell or a fairy. I don’t really know because I’m not actually staring at the costume.

Heidi Klum took Halloween to the extreme this year. I haven’t met one person who spent as much time as her on a costume. I think she’s being eaten by a snake or is she the snake? This all seems very biblical which puts a little damper on the whole dressing slutty thing, but Seal doesn’t take heed. At least, I think that’s Seal standing next to her. He’s either a tree or a really ugly drag queen. Whatever, this is America. He can be both.

Jamie Lee Curtis. Pirate wench or wenchy pirate? You be the judge.

Jennifer Love Hewitt took the one day of the year girls are supposed to dress slutty and made it into silent film star day. Damnit.

This would have been nice 10 years ago. Now it’s kind of sad. Sad and visually wrong.

Surprise. Paris Hilton went as a slut.

Rachel Weisz put a big bow in her head and called it a costume. I call it stupid. Minnie Mouse my ass.

In all my years, I’d never have thought I would see Alyssa Milano grinding Desmond Tutu as he raises the roof because if I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that making assumptions from one picture is perfectly acceptable. Honestly, why can’t Mr. Tutu get his freak on? People like Desmond and I will not allow ourselves to be retarded by the norms of high society. The primp and proper ladies of America may be aghast, but we’re the ones that keep the party bumpin’.