For whatever reason, Ashton Kutcher showed up at the Academy of Country Music Awards to present the award for Female Vocalist of the Year which went to Miranda Lambert. But being Ashton Kutcher, he did this while wearing a ridiculous 10-gallon hat and a red blazer that looked like it was stitched together from two footballs and stood next to a guy in a green gilded blazer and hat holding a mug of beer.

Miranda Lambert didn’t think anything of it at the time but later took to Twitter to wonder, “Was Ashton Kutcher making fun of country or is it just me? Watching it back now and I’m kinda wondering?”

Another country singer, Justin Moore, didn’t mince words. He tweeted, “Seen Ashton kutcher at the acms tonight. What a douche! I don’t care for people making a mockery of the way country artists’ dress.”

Ashton eventually defended himself on Twitter, “I Am One Of The biggest country Music fans you’ve ever met. Wasn’t making fun at all.”

Granted, no one is sure how sincere that was because they couldn’t really see if he was snickering in front of his computer as he typed that out. Which he probably was.

Then again, some would say that this was karmic retribution for inviting Kiss.

I didn’t realize to what extent Christina Aguilera let herself go until she performed at the American Music Awards. Most event pictures only show one side of her with no perspective. However, during her performance with Maroon 5, we got a 360 degree view with a lot of perspective. Dear lord, it looks like she’s been pumping gravy in her veins through in iv.

“Friends” of Christina say she “loves her curves” which is an obvious lie because Hollywood gives women a body image issue card upon entry to LA. Her friend says “she’s a Latina woman with curves and since when is it not ok to have curves?”

Oh really? Are we going there? Now that Christina is fat we can’t call her out on it because she calls them “curves” and real women have them?

Not only that but her people have the balls to spin her tight dress at the AMAs as something she did on purpose to set an example “for women and young girls, especially Latinas. She’s very proud of her curves. Christina thinks she is a good role model — not everyone is super skinny and she wants girls to embrace their body type.”

True. Not everyone is super skinny but you know who was super skinny? Christina Aguilera. But I guess she purposely put on weight just so all the fat little Latinas of the world would have a voice. My, what a selfless hero. Here I thought her years of partying finally caught up to her.

Of course Selena Gomez showed up at the AMAs with her boyfriend Justin Bieber who’s looking more and more like a skinny Chaz Bono every day. What’s up with that velvet tux Justin is wearing? He looks like raided Hugh Hefner’s closet. Anyway, Selena looked great. Nothing like her wax figure. And luckily, god invented hands so you can use one of them to cover up Justin in all of these pictures.

Katy Perry showed up to the American Music Awards yesterday and I don’t know who won anything at the show because I turned into a drooling vegetable after seeing Katy Perry on the red carpet. She looked absolutely perfect and her big breasts made everything even more awesome. If I was at the red carpet, I would have just stood there with a noticeable erection, staring and pointing at Katy Perry while going, “ummghhh.”

Rihanna looked unconventionally hot with her straight, red hair but she showed up at the AMAs with curly, red hair. So now she looks like Raggedy Ann. She does look good here though. Even though she reminds me of the doll I used to play with as a kid. I mean, that my “friend” used to play with as a kid.

Not only did Taylor Swift win her third AMA for Favorite Female Country Artist, but she also debuted her new banged look and changed her curly hair to straight. Is it just me or does she look much hotter? Before she was cute but mousey. She still looks mousey but sexy mousey. Like one of those mice people slut up in a tight mini skirt and knee-high boots to attract all the other mice. That’s something people do, right? Good. I thought I was a real weirdo for a second.

Here’s Swift doing one of her usual over dramatic performances at the AMAs.

Now that both groups have sufficiently faded into obscurity, it was time to put aside their differences and see if by their powers combined, they could form a super group able to pull themselves out of the ether of anonymity. So they put their publicists in contact with each other and crossed tips, sort of like a much more gay Captain Planet, and a one-off performance of NKOTBSB was born.

That’s right. New Kids on the Back Street Boys performed together at the American Music Awards and it just felt so right? Pleasant? Meh? Yea, let’s stick with “meh”.

Justin Bieber won big at last night’s American Music Awards. He cleaned house. Nominated for entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for “My World 2.0″ and winning all four, Justin took the stand and said, “This means the world to me. I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible.”

All the while during his acceptance speeches, announcers scrambled to find out whether to use the “he” or “she” pronoun. No one knew what this 16-year-old lesbian wanted to call itself. Eventually, they settled on saying Justin’s name all the time. True story.

Adama Lambert’s performance at the AMAs yesterday which saw Lambert simulate fellatio with a male dancer, drag a woman across the ground, make out with a male keyboardist and grab his crotch and flip off the crowd left a  bitter taste in the mouths of a few. These few, of course, have a lot of free time on their hands because they lodged complaints. “Think of the children,” they probably shouted at operators who didn’t have the heart to tell them they called the wrong number.

Lambert, however, isn’t apologizing. In fact, he’s a little outraged they edited his performance on the west coast feed. He told Access Hollywood,

“You know honestly, if I offended some people… it’s apples and oranges. I’m not an artist that does things for every single person,” he told Access Hollywood. “I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either.”

He also said he considered editing his performance “discrimination.”

“There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against could be a problem,” he explained.

Added Lambert, “People are scared and it’s really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things, it’s all for a laugh, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

I’m mad too. Not by what he did, but by people wasting their time complaining about this. His performance must have been so offensive that it left them in a catatonic state because they couldn’t make it to the remote to turn it off. Jesus, it’s like someone forced them to watch a snuff film.

Kate Hudson almost fell out of her top at the American Music Awards last night. It could have been a potential Janet Jackson-esque disaster if it wasn’t for the fact Kate Hudson’s chest resembles that of a 10-year-old boy’s. If you think about it, it’s impressive that this is the first time this has happened. Other females keep their dresses up with their amazing racks and a little bit of tape. Kate needs a little bit of tape, super glue and a nail gun.

Don’t get me started on Nicole Kidman either. She looks like a robot after all that plastic surgery. The Japanese make women who look more real than her.

Remember when you were a kid in kindergarten and they had you cut up folded pieces of paper to make snowflakes or other symmetrical shapes? Well, Rihanna wore that, the leftover paper, to the American Music Awards yesterday.

When Adam Lambert first started his performance at the American Music Awards, I thought they were trying to downplay his gayness again by having him drag a woman around like a caveman. I was totally proven wrong at the 1:10 mark. The cameraman must have had a heart attack when that happened.

As for the backup dancer, he probably would have never thought he’d be stuffing his face in Adam Lambert’s crotch when he first got into the business. That must have been a little piece of heaven right there. I can’t imagine the conversation between the dancer and the choreographer. Dancer: “You want me to pretend to give Adam Lambert a blowjob? And this will be live on stage, publicly broadcast to all of America and will most likely wind up on YouTube?” Choreographer: “Look, do you want to be a fucking backup dancer or not?!”

If no one had the foresight to see a potential problem in having Jennifer Lopez walk across people’s backs and then jump off during her performance at the American Music Awards last night, then she deserved to fall flat on her fat ass. When Jennifer proposed this at rehearsal, everyone should have spoken up instead of just looking at each other with the world’s most frightened expressions. Full performance here if you care.