At the time of her death, Mitch Winehouse said his daughter Amy Winehouse died of alcohol withdrawal. Well, he was half right. About the alcohol part.

The coroner says Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning. They say she had 416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood. I know what you’re saying. “I”m no alkyhal doctor. Give it to me straight.” Okay, let’s put it this way. 80mg (.08) is the legal driving limit while 350mg (.35)  is the level associated with death. Amy had 416mg or, rather, she would have blown a .416. Side effects include coma and possible death due to respiratory arrest.

According to the report, three empty vodka bottles were found in her room. Two large and one small. Wait. Define large. Are we talking about 750mL or are we talking 1750mL? Because if she polished off two handles and a fifth of vodka, that would be impressive. Stupid, but impressive.

Consequently, the coroner ruled it as “death by misadventure.” Which makes it sound a lot less worse than it really is. It makes it seem like Amy was off in the woods hunting fairies or something instead of being holed up in her room drinking herself to death.

In news that will make you go “whaaaa?,” Amy Winehouse’s family claims the toxicology report they were given proves Amy wasn’t on illegal drugs at the time of her death. Although, she had been drinking. This directly contradicts her dad’s assertion that she’s been sober for three years. Granted, it also refutes reports that she ingested a cocktail of drugs before she died. A rep from Scotland Yard say law enforcement have yet to see the report.

A rep for the family released a statement saying, “Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.”

The statement continues, “Results indicate that alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.”

“The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations and for keeping them informed throughout the process. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.” — TMZ

Even if drugs weren’t in her system, that and alcohol ultimately led to her death. No healthy 27-year-old dies in their sleep. Unless you’re Paris Hilton. But that would only be because of a lot of prayer.

In least surprising news of the day, Amy Winehouse’s rep says she was NOT going to adopt 10-year-old Dannika Augustine of St. Lucia. Amy’s rep said, “It’s not true. I think [Amy] might have met her in St. Lucia, but she was in no way about to adopt her.”

So there goes that money grab by Dannika’s mom and grandma. Next time you try to claim a celebrity was about to adopt your kid, make sure the celebrity isn’t a recovering drug addict who couldn’t even take care of a pet rock.

In more surprising news of the day, Soulja Boy did not blow $55 million on a G5 jet. A rapper who lied about his extravagant spending? I do not believe. A spokesperson for the rapper says members of his inner circle perpetuated the lie. Soulja Boy even went on a Miami radio show after the story claiming to be “G5 status.”

Greg Miller, his spokesperson, issued a statement saying the rumors are not true. TMZ, attempting to retain credibility, claimed they talked to Shai Storm, a member of Soulja’s management team, his assistant and Soulja himself who said, “Hell yeah … I bought it.” Alright, alright, TMZ. I believe you. Sheesh. Calm down.

No, Amy Winehouse wasn’t pregnant when she died. She needed the extra womb space to smuggle drugs in.

According to reports, Amy was prepping to be the adopted mother of a 10-year-old girl from the island of St. Lucia, one of the fanciest places Amy Winehouse has ever gotten drunk and done coke in. There’s no need to mention this was a terrible idea.

The girl Amy was to adopt, Dannika Augustine, was living in poverty when Amy took an interest in her. Per Dannika’s grandmother, Amy had already hired lawyers to start the adoption process and planned on flying to St. Lucia next week to visit her.

Devastated Dannika said: “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her ­daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me.

“She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Anyone with half a brain would approve an adoption to a registered sex offender before even giving a goldfish to Amy Winehouse. Trust me. Dannika is safer in poverty. She could have OD’ed by just hugging Amy Winehouse.

Who believes this story anyway? The only way Amy would adopt any little girl is if the kid was 80% alcohol and resembled a bottle of Jack.

According to Amy Winehouse’s dad, Mitch Winehouse, Amy beat her addiction three years ago and has been clean ever since. Never mind that only a month ago she was stumbling around on stage saying in front of a mic. She was probably suffering from “exhaustion.”

Mitch Winehouse yesterday claimed his tragic daughter had beaten her drug addiction – and had, in fact, conquered her dependency three years ago.
The grieving 60-year-old told mourners at her funeral how the 27-year-old singer had given up drugs despite the fact doctors had said it would be ‘impossible’ for her to beat her addiction.
Mr Winehouse, who broke down in tears at the service at Edgwarebury Cemetery in North London, spoke on behalf of his ex-wife Janis and their son Alex and insisted she had made a ‘fantastic recovery’. [Daily Mail]

Okay, so when she supposedly took that cocktail of cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine, it was recreational and not because she had a chemical dependency? Someone should tell Mitch that sounds even worse.

Amy Winehouse’s family and Kelly Osbourne showed up to her funeral today at a synagogue in London. Everyone was sad. Until she was cremated at the end as per family tradition. Then they were happy as the fumes from her ashes got everyone high.

Preliminary autopsy reports were inconclusive but “Amy’s family is expecting the outcome to be a heart attack or seizure and will be really shocked if it’s not.” Toxicology reports should arrive in two to four weeks but will probably be leaked much sooner.

As for Amy’s ex-husband Blake, he wasn’t let out of prison for the funeral as he’s serving a 32-month sentence for burglary and gun possession. Oh and he was the person who introduced Amy to heroin and crack. I’d assume there wouldn’t be a warm reception for him at the funeral anyway.

Reports are coming in that Amy Winehouse died alone and healthy with no sign of drugs nearby. Sources say Amy had been undergoing regular checkups because her addiction left her frail. Her last one was on Friday and the doctor had no concerns.  But he might have if he knew she was going to buy a bunch of drugs to do later that night.

Other reports say Amy bought a cocktail of cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine after her checkup. Sources say she was seen buying drugs from a well-known dealer in Camden at 10:30 p.m. on Friday.

‘Amy seemed determined to have a big one on Friday night.
‘She was out in Camden on Friday evening, but seemed determined to carry on the party back at her flat.
‘None of us know who was with her into the early hours of Saturday. But getting out of it was clearly her main priority of the night.’

Another source says Amy died from a bad ecstasy pill mixed with copious amounts of alcohol.

Of course, Amy’s family calls these reports “preposterous.” Which is baffling. They do know who Amy Winehouse is, right?

Which sounds more realistic. That a 27-year-old died in her sleep from natural causes or that Amy Winehouse took a bunch of drugs and died drunk and high?

27-year-old Amy Winehouse was found dead in her London apartment on Saturday. There were no signs of foul play. Gee, I wonder how she died? Could it be drugs? I guess we’ll just have to find out after the autopsy on Monday.

“Police were called by London Ambulance Service to an address in Camden Square NW1 shortly before 16.05hrs today, Saturday 23 July, following reports of a woman found deceased.

On arrival officers found the body of a 27-year-old female who was pronounced dead at the scene.

Enquiries continue into the circumstances of the death. At this early stage it is being treated as unexplained.”

Let’s face it. Everyone thought this would happen years ago. Every news item about Amy Winehouse in the last few years have been about her being drunk, high or how she left rehab. As recently as last month, Amy cancelled her Serbian tour after wandering around drunk on stage. This is about surprising as being bitten by a bear after poking it in the eye.

If wobbling out on stage, taking off her shoes and throwing them on the ground, crossing her arms and swaying in front of the mic while she drunkenly karaokes one of her songs during a Serbian concert is any indication, Amy Winehouse might be off the wagon again. She was so out of it during her set that, at one point, one of her background singers had to come over to the sing the rest of the song for her.

After being called the worst. concert. ever. in the history of Belgrade, and that’s saying a lot, Amy Winehouse has cancelled an appearance in Istanbul on Monday and in Athens on Wednesday. Amy’s rep admitted Amy “cannot perform to the best of her ability.”

Amy should have popped a squat in the middle of her set and held the mic to her crotch. If she’s going to perform like this, she might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

Amy Winehouse performed in Brazil last night and busted out some dance moves that would have made the choreographer of Black Swan jealous. While some dude went “beep boop beep” on the mic, Amy swayed side to side like an orangutan. When she made her way to the front, she did a mock tango and drunkenly swayed again. This time like an angry gorilla. Things got sexy as she tried to pirouette and almost ended up falling flat on her face. So, to answer your question, yes, Amy Winehouse is back and better than ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Qj95cSlg0

Amy Winehouse was still in Brazil on her 2 year long vacation and this time there are clearer shots of her in a bikini. I just realized while typing this why no one seemed excited. Although there are worse things than Amy in a bikini. Things like, um, ebola and, er. Hey, can I get a little help here?

Well, at least Amy Winehouse isn’t crawling around the floor drunk and trying to steal alcohol from people. Is it sad that that’s the best thing I can say about these photos of Amy wearing a bikini in Brazil? Hm, I think I can do better. How about, um, at least she isn’t dead? I mean, she lived way longer than anyone thought was possible. That’s something.

Amy Winehouse got wasted during a photo shoot and subsequent interview for Bazaar. Surprisingly, the photo shoot went great and the interview turned out fantastic. I would expect nothing less.

Sober Amy: They are partway through the shoot when I arrive; Adams has taken a break to eat some food. He’s trying to convince Winehouse to eat too by offering her vegan rice balls. “No, Bryan!” she says grandly. She is very loud and very theatrical. “I need protein, Bryan!” She dispatches a member of her not-inconsiderable entourage to track down a Pret A Manger crayfish salad. Also: “A cucumber, so I can hit Bryan with it.”

Drinking Amy: Just before Winehouse goes to change for the next shot, I see her gulping down a big glass of wine. “Not,” she says aloud, “that I’m a rock-star alkie.”

Drunk Amy: I have no idea what prompted this, but I can say that 45 minutes later, she is changed. She is physically unstable, wobbly in high block heels. Soon, she begins a chorus-girl routine for the camera—complete with cha-chas and pirouettes. “Hurry up, Bryan!” she shouts. “This is like a three-hour-long blood extraction!” She hikes her black-and-white-checked miniskirt up and shakes her hips. The shoot wraps, and Winehouse walks unsteadily from the set. I find her sitting on the edge of a white-quilted bed in her dressing room, slurping noisily from a pot of soup. One of her representatives tells me that she will sit in on our interview.

Drunk Amy messes up interview: I want to ask Winehouse many things. Is she happy? Healthy? Working on new material? In love? How is her relationship with her father, the outspoken London taxicab driver, Mitch? Does she miss Blake? Does she want marriage? Children? But, I quickly realize, I am unlikely to get any answers. She is just not … present. She is distracted and vague. My most straightforward questions confuse her.

Might as well talk to drunk Amy anyway: How are you? I ask. She slurps more soup. “I’m all right. How are you?” Her voice is breathier, girlier now; her syntax is childish. She either pronounces words with great care or slurs them into one barely intelligible syllable. I’m fine, I say. Were you getting tired of shooting? “I’m not very good at it.” Why not? “‘Cause I’m a musician, I’m not really good at posing and being a model, like, modeling.”

No one understands drunk Amy: “Ve’y much so. Ve’y much so. And that’s been the whole thing. We’ve pretty much done like up to autumn/winter 2012, and I’m like, ‘Have we?’ Yeah!” It was easy? “Mmm-hmmm. Yeah, yeah, it was not hard at all, not hard at all, because, like …” Someone hands her a crayfish salad and removes the empty soup pot from her hands. “Thank you, baby!” she says to the provider of the salad. She turns back to me. “I knew exactly what I wanted. And I love Fred Perry so much. I was honored that they would even, like, ‘Do you want to come and do a line?’ Me? Like, me?” She stabs a finger into her chest. “Yeah!” she adds.

Drunk Amy says she dresses like an old Jewish black man: And then: “I’m aware I’m being recorded,” Winehouse says. “Just so you know. I am aware of that.” Okay. Do you consider yourself a style icon? “A style, like, what?” A style icon, I repeat. “Style, like … ?” Icon! “No, of course not!” But you are! People have altered the way they look as a consequence of your look. Tattoos have gained new currency; heavy eyeliner is widely imitated. “Uh-huh. I don’t think that’s true. I just dress like … I’m an old black man. Sorry!” she says. “Like I’m an old Jewish black man. I just dress like it’s still the ’50s.”

Amy Winehouse must have chained up her liver or something because I swear I read that it packed a suitcase, put on its hat and left her body for good.