The Daily News says that the reason Anna Kournikova didn’t participate in Sunday’s Malibu Triathlon is because her womb has become infected with Enrique Iglesias’ demon seed which has been growing inside her for the past two months. As many know, Kournikova used to be my imaginary girlfriend, but we suffered a much publicized break-up because she stopped wearing bikinis to the beach. Megan Fox then became my new imaginary girlfriend. Consequently, this isn’t as hard on me as you’d have thought.

Saturday night in Vegas, former tennis star/model Anna Kournikova got into a tussle with an unidentified woman. The two were at Lavo when a woman sitting at the next table over threw a drink at Anna because she felt Anna was “invading her space.”

Kournikova, not one to back down, “sprung into action.” Sort of like a lion on a gazelle. The other woman was eventually thrown out, but not before leaving Anna with “vicious scratch marks on her neck.”

Was this other woman a model? Because that would have been hot. Especially if their skirts were hiked up a little and all this was in slow motion. This is also one of the main reasons you don’t see guys stopping cat fights. They’re always hoping for a little upskirt action. In fact, that’s one of the ten commandments. “Ye shall not stop a chick fight until either panties or breasts come out.” God is such a pervert.

Other celebrity competitors at the Nautica Triathlon included:

Eliza Dushku, Finished: 2:22:31.2 (She has no swim time so does that mean she didn’t complete it?) Hotter than Jennifer Lopez

Anna Kournikova, Relay, Finished: 1:29:03.1, Again, hotter than Jennifer Lopez

Brittany Daniel: No idea what her time is, but I hear she can bench press a Buick

Notable mentions:

Matthew McConaughey, Finished: 1:43:48.3, Voted best tits of triathlon. May I touch?

I was pretty disappointed to discover Anna Kournikova’s recent photo shoot with Sports Illustrated was just of her dressed in a skirt and power suit. It seemed SI cared more about what was going on in her life rather than what she looked like with as little clothes on as possible. What happened to us SI? Where has the magic gone?

Thankfully, whichever magazine this photo shoot was for realized that was a big mistake and returned Anna to her natural habitat of a bikini.

In an exclusive interview with Sports Illustrated, Anna Kournikova says she’s “not married, not pregnant, didn’t have a boob job, no Botox,” since leaving the pro circuit. Thanks, but no one cares. Show us your tits!

“Girls look at him. Guys look at me,” she told Sports Illustrated. “It goes with the job, but it gets annoying when you feel violated. Just take the picture and be done.”

Hold on a second. What does that have to with showing us your tits? I’m pretty disappointed with this exclusive interview so far. Maybe the pictures will be better. This is Sports Illustrated after all.

Oh, well, that settles it. Sports Illustrated finally turned into Cosmo. Bunch of nancies.

Anna Kournikova was spotted in Miami in a white bikini giving everyone huge boners. According to news reports. Ok. My news report. Ok. I just said it into my webcam all serious-like. Ok. I don’t have a webcam and that boner I mentioned is mine. Also, there was no report of any kind. Unless you consider a burning desire to run to the bathroom with some Kleenex a “report.” Which I do.

Here’s Anna Kournikova eating on a yacht in her bikini. Anna sucked at tennis, but she was always a pro at giving me boners. There you go guys. If any of you ever deliver Anna’s eulogy, I just gifted you your entire speech.

Anna Kournikova showed up at the beach the other day reaffirming my suspicion that she does indeed look sexy in a bikini. Tomorrow, a lecture will be held on the bounce factor of her boobs and how it directly relates to erections.

Enrique Iglesias drew a lot of attention when he told a Swedish magazine he had gotten secretly married and divorced to Anna Kournikova. It turns out, he was only joking and is still together with Anna. Bad news for me because I already mailed Anna two of my used boxers. Sorry Enrique, but when Anna opens her present, one whiff of my musk will send her into a state of ecstasy she won’t soon forget. Doctors may say she’s convulsing, but they’ve obviously never brought a women to orgasm before.

Anna Kournikvova and a Miami surfer had a minor tiff when she yelled at him and his puppy, “That dog should be on a fucking leash!” To which the surfer replied, “Maybe you should be on a fucking leash!” Ooooh, snap!

“All the surfers and bystanders applauded and barked at Anna.” Embarrassed, Kournikova walked around the corner, but “reappeared minutes later with three girlfriends who just stood there scowling.” Kournikova’s rep did not return calls.

Meanwhile, Enrique Iglesias defended Anna’s honor by doing what he does best; pushing her away and running, arms flailing, to hide behind a garbage can.

I know these pictures are really old, but I still fancy them.

This god awful boring news day is almost over. Now it’s time to sit back and watch shows from Monday like Prison Break and Heroes.

Paris Hilton posed with Judi Dench. Judi was looking the other way unaware she was about to be mauled by a slut.

Bill Cosby settled a civil suit by a woman claiming he drugged and sexually assaulted her. No word on if any Jello was used.

Paris Hilton not only took a picture with Judi Dench guerilla style, but she also has man hands. Great for working with the hoe. Or hand jobs since she’s such a tease.

Carmen Electra made out with Joan Jett. Um, ok.

Nip/Tuck goes gray. How much do I love you Nip/Tuck, let me count the ways.

Abi Titmuss interviews Keeley Hazel. Bonus: If I read right, Keeley Hazel has done hardcore. Don’t argue. You’ll spoil my fantasy.

Anna Kournikova is wasting away into nothing. She’s almost off my list.