Donna Hogan, Anna Nicole’s sister, is cashing in on Anna Nicole’s life by writing a tell-all book whose title, “Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith”, oozes sisterly love. The bitter sounding Donna explains why she’s selling out now.

“Because I was hurt. Because it’s closure for me. Because now she’s gone, and things about her upsetted me. She was selfish. I always respected her, and she always disrespected me. I was struggling. I had to live in a shelter to protect my three kids and I never asked her for nothing. She had four houses and never offered me one to stay in. I bought her a Marilyn Monroe doll and she never bought me a thing. She’d take people who worked for her on shopping sprees to Rodeo Drive and never bring my kids anything. She never once offered me money. Except to try and take my little girl from me. See, even after she had Danny she wanted a girl child desperately. She offered me thousands, but only if I’d give up my baby daughter to her which, of course, I wouldn’t.”

Donna is also an idiot like her sister.

“Well, yeah, I’ve done drugs . . . we’ve both had a wild crazy life . . . both had affairs with women . . . three-way sex . . . kids without husbands . . . and I’m now kind of living with someone . . . And, like her, I worked gentlemen’s clubs. I waitressed. There’s perverts who just want you to get drunk with them. So I’d sit and drink. You could make $2,000 a night.”

“Look, I was offered lots of the same kind of stuff she was, but I just couldn’t do it. I think she had some kind of illness. She did it with all sorts of girlfriends and gay boyfriends. I mean, she gave our father – who molested girls and actually touched me – naked photos of herself. This is a man who got married the day after we buried Vickie.”

Poor, poor Donna didn’t get to sit back and leech off her sister. You have to feel sorry for this girl. Isn’t the American dream to bleed dry some relative who struck gold? Depriving someone of this dream is…is un-American! You might as well wrap Donna up in the American flag and set it on fire and then pee all over it.

Passages from two of Anna Nicole’s diaries have been revealed. They paint a picture of a woman deeply in love with her much older and dying husband. They also detail her struggles with food and sex. Here are a couple of samples.

“I’ve been really stressed out lately and depressed and I can’t quit eating. I feel like a pig. Howard has been buying me som jewelry but he call me 15 or 20 times a day it drives me crazy. I love him but he agravates me somtimes. I don’t no what to do about Paul hes strange guy. I hate for men to want sex all the time.”

“Hes [husband Marshall] so very weak and fragile When I touch him Im afraid he might break. If Jesus desides to take him I dont no what I’ll do. I love him so much it hurts me to site and watch him when hes hurting I just want to hold him touch him let him no how much I care.”

Anna Nicole’s coherency is quite impressive. I would have expected the diary to go, “Dear Diary, Today I ” followed by a puddle of dried drool where she passed out after the drugs kicked in.

What was reported last week has now been confirmed by the autopsy of Anna Nicole’s body. The former Playboy playmate and whale look-a-like died of an accidental drug overdose of chloral hydrate along with eight other prescription drugs.

A bacterial infection from injecting medication in her buttocks and a viral infection contributed to her death, the autopsy report said.

My mother tells me I should never inject things into my butt or I might die. I always thought that was an old wives’ tale, but by golly, she was right. Really though, Anna Nicole overdosing is about as surprising as the color purple being purple.

A lethal dose of chloral hydrate killed Anna Nicole Smith, but she would have been dead anyway from a blood infection, claims an exclusive report. Chloral hydrate is a sleep inducer sometimes used in date rape drugs. They go on to say,

In its most stunning disclosure, the report says Smith’s life might have been saved had she simply gone to a hospital rather than treating her severe fever, nausea and other infection symptoms on her own.

The infection resulted from an improperly sterilized needle injected into her left buttock which caused her temperature to sky rocket to 105 degrees and caused a painful abscess to develop. It is unknown what substance was.

*Looks down at unsterilized needle in ass*

Ahh, crap.

Meanwhile, G. Ben Thompson is so sure Howard K. Stern is not the father of Dannielynn that he has kicked Howard out of the house he bought for Anna Nicole.

“We did this only after we found out that the courts directed that Howard K. Stern and the other parties seeking paternity take a DNA test. We know that Howard K. Stern cannot pass that test in any way that would suggest he is the father of that particular child.”

You better believe Howard K. Stern has a plan. A video of Dannielynn wearing clown makeup tripping on shrooms would sell for thousands, nay, millions of dollars. People always go gaga for cutesy mother-daughter type stuff.

I thought this was some sort of joke. Just read it. Anna Nicole arrived to the church in a pimped out hearse with elaborate chrome rims. Inside, her casket is covered with pink marabou and streamers. Outside the church, a giant jib camera is swooping over the steeple and the red carpet leading into the church. Anna Nicole’s mother, Virgie Arthur, failed in a last ditch effort to stop the funeral.

Inside, several hundred of Anna Nicole’s friends paid their respects. Her coffin was then moved to Lake View Cemetery for burial. That’s when the real show began. Howard K. Stern plunged a closed fist into Anna’s chest, took out her heart, ate it and screamed, “I am reborn! Muahahahhaha! Trimspa baby!”

Update: Slash and Hulk Hogan were among the attendees.

Anna Nicole married Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas, on a boat and it wasn’t even legal. Now she’s going to get what she’s always wanted. An “over the top” funeral. She’ll be buried in a custom made gown and a “very elegant” casket. The service will be pretty cool too.

The memorial service, with about 300 guests at an undisclosed church, will feature large amounts of pink flowers, her favorite color, and singing from a well-known performer whose name organizers aren’t ready to disclose, said the friend, Patrik Simpson of Beverly Hills, California.

A more fitting funeral would be a performance by a bunch of midget clowns juggling decapitated shrunken heads as monks chant in the background while playing air guitar and head banging to death metal. You know, like a classy funeral. It symbolizes her life better than pink flowers and Celine Dion or whoever they got to play.

Judge Larry Seidlin ruled that Richard Milstein will determine where Anna Nicole Smith’s body shall be buried. Richard Milstein is the guardian ad litem of Dannielynn Smith. He will consult with all three parties to reach an amicable decision. Upon giving his verdict, Seidlin began to cry, as did almost everyone else in the room (give me a break), and recommended Anna Nicole be buried next to her son Daniel. With his face racked with emotion, he then looked into the camera and asked, “Can I have my own show now?”

Update: Richard Milstein has decided to bury Anna Nicole with her son. Now with video.

Fox News aired a video showing an eight month pregnant and high Anna Nicole Smith. Her face painted like a clown, Anna talks to a doll in a baby carriage as if it was real. Cameraman Howard K. Stern notes, “This footage is worth money.”

This footage also puts Wes Craven to shame. Supposing you forced Dannielynn to sit through a marathon of Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Saw movies, she’d turn out slightly weird, but functional. Have her sit through this video of her gestating in her druggie mother’s womb and she’d spend her childhood balled up in a fetal position rocking back and forth in the closet.

I’ll update with the Youtube video when it comes out. You’ll just have to deal with Brightcove for now.

The fight over Anna Nicole Smith’s body is still going on. Howard K. Stern wants Anna buried next to her son in the Bahamas per her wishes, but her mother wants to take Anna back to Texas and Larry Birkhead still wants a DNA test. Amid these arguments comes the fact that Anna became morbid after Daniel died. It prompted her to begin working with a seamstress to make the dress she would be buried in.

Everything you wouldn’t expect to happen has happened in this Anna Nicole show. She’s possibly more famous now than when she was living. Like Picasso, except she was never good at anything besides trading sex for favors. I wanna hear what people are going to say for her eulogy. There’s only so many ways you can dance around the fact that you could have replaced her with a blow-up doll and no one would have noticed.

TMZ obtained a document written by Dannielynn’s former nanny. In it are accusations including suicide attempts, whorism and that Anna Nicole Smith starved her baby to make her more sexy.

On starving Dannielynn:

According to the sworn affidavit written in the Bahamas on December 4, 2006, Quethlie Alexis claims she received repeated threats from Smith, aka Vickie Marshall, to “underfeed” Dannielynn because, “Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was ‘sexy.’ Ms. Marshall knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours … Ms. Marshall insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces.” Alexis claims that Smith enforced the order by “making sure the baby monitor was kept on all the time.” Alexis adds Dannielynn “is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should.”

On the reprecussions if her child developed the wrong idea:

According to the document, Alexis says that Smith threatened to “shoot her” if the baby ever addressed the nanny as “Mummy.”

Regarding the suicides, we already know Anna Nicole Smith tried to drown herself, but this contains another one and there is a part where Howard K. Stern says if she died, he would go to jail.

“On the first occasion, she drank in my presence an entire bottle of what I believed to be a sleeping aid.” Alexis claims that when Smith woke up from the resulting 48-hour coma, she blurted out the words “I wanted to die … I meant to kill myself.”

Oh, and her whorism:

Alexis never witnessed Gibson and Smith having sex, but the former nanny claims the minister would, “spend hours alone with Ms. Marshall in her bedroom” on a “daily basis.”

Wow…just wow. Is that all it took for her baby to look so sexy? Here I am telling new mommies that they should put their bundles of joy on a treadmill before they catch the fat disease. Looks like starvation is the way to go.

Howard K. Stern flew back to the Bahamas to reunite with Dannielynn and discovered someone had broken into his and Anna’s shared home. All her personal belongings were pilfered in an attempt to profit off of them.

“I just can’t believe it,” exclaims Howard. “These people could be so cruel. I mean, they literally — the day after Anna died — came in here, and all of our personal things are gone. All of our videos, the video of our baby’s birth, computers, all the storage drives, everything of importance, every legal paper, recordings, Anna’s paintings — her own paintings that she made, that were in the nursery — and they just stole it.”

Howard says he wants everything back. Logically, the thieves will feel a wave of guilt and come back with their tail between their legs to return the items and be thrown in jail. Which reminds me of back in the day when I stole most of Baron Von Housen’s millions. He lost the title of Baron, his wife divorced him and he died a pauper. Sure I feel guilty sometimes, but swimming in my vault of cash takes care of that pesky problem.

Alexander Denk has come forth to profess his belief that he may indeed be the father of Dannielynn. The former bodyguard of Anna Nicole Smith confesses to having an affair with the Trimspa figurehead. This makes five possible fathers. Six if you count the Bahamian guy.

What I’m gathering from all this is Anna Nicole was a human sperm bank. Can you imagine what went on in her vagina? I picture a huge sperm party with funny hats and piñatas. Then the unthinkable happened. You guys may think it was the drugs that killed Anna Nicole, but it was actually the Great Sperm Revolt of 2007. It laid waste to her uterus which resulted in her death. We will never forget.

Adding to the already ridiculous amount of twists in the Anna Nicole saga, TMZ found pictures published in a Bahamian newspaper. These weren’t just some pictures of Anna fooling around with some random guy. She was fooling around with Bahamian immigration minister, Shane Gibson. Shane Gibson is the same guy who approved her application for permanent residency. God, if Dannielynn’s father was actually Daniel Smith I wouldn’t be surprised at all.