Vampire Bill finally put a baby in Anna Paquin. Their reps confirmed to EW that Stephen Moyer, 42, and Anna, 29, are expecting their first kid together, Moyer’s third.

No word on how this will be worked into the season or if it needs to be at all but hopefully it’ll be something stupid if it is. Like she was impregnated by a Minotaur and the only way to abort it is if a fairy punched her in the stomach.

The cast of True Blood had their premiere party in LA last night and the entire cast attended. The most notable was Evan Rachel Wood because she chopped her hair off and got a pixie cut like Emma Watson. Ugh. Now what am I going to pull on?

Of course, Evan Rachel Wood recently came out as a bisexual which clearly means she has to dress the part. She told Esquire,

“Yes,” she said when asked if she dates women. “I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls… I’m into androgyny in general.”

Well congratulations. Mission accomplished. You’ve succeeded in looking androgynous and letting me know lesbians prefer chicks who could be mistaken for dudes. Which is strange because I always thought that much like straight men, they’d be really into hot chicks.

Just because it’s called the Scream Awards doesn’t mean you have to smear dark lipstick on and dress like a goth. Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer showed up at the Scream Awards on Sunday looking like they were at a really awkward high school dance complete with a brick backdrop.

This. Is. Spartaaaaa! Um, did Alexander McQueen design this from the grave? Because it looks like he came up with the idea after an orgy with a bunch of gladiators. All Anna Paquin needed last night with a sword and a shield and some guy sitting on a throne giving her the thumbs up or thumbs down. In this case, probably a thumbs down.

Anna Paquin, 28, and Stephen Moyer, 40, married Saturday night in Malibu. Guests included Elijah Wood, Carrie Preston and Michael Emerson. Unfortunately there was no blood-letting. Disappointing because… vampires!

The couple announced their engagement last August. Connecting over daily breakfasts at a West Hollywood cafe, they began dating a few months after filming first began in 2008 for HBO’s smash vampire series, now in its third season. On the show, Paquin (a 1994 Oscar-winner at age 11 for her role in The Piano) plays Sookie Stackhouse, the psychic, mortal lover to vampire Bill Compton (Moyer); their first kiss occurred onscreen.

But the duo waited until February 2009 to debut their real-life romance — a delay that was “very intentional on both our parts,” British actor Moyer explained at the time. “It was very important to me that the cast and crew we were working with didn’t feel it was fickle….We didn’t want to take anything away from the show.”

Us says they exchanged vows under a tent across the street from the beach. For some reason when I read that I kept thinking of that Chris Farely SNL sketch where he lived in a van down by the river. Us needs to write better marriage descriptions. Put a little more excitement in it. The wedding could have been in the forest on a private island with armed guards patrolling the perimeter while pandas acted as ring bearers and they could have eaten bald eagles and koalas at the reception and Us’ description would just be, Paquin and Moyer exchanged vows in the bushes around a bunch of water.

Alexander Skarsgard tells Rolling Stone that he’s not a big believer in the cock sock other actors wear when filming nude scenes. He prefers thwacking people in the head with his dong. Skarsgard says, “I don’t want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we’re naked in the scene, then I’m naked. I’ve always been that way.”

Anna Paquin, on the other hand, wears a patch, “a thong-like attire with the sides cut off – while filming nude scenes as her character Sookie Stackhouse.”

Stephen Moyer also wears a sock. He says it’s out of consideration for others. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” he says. “I just think it might be embarrassing for the crew.”

That’s the exact explanation I give to people when I wear pants at an orgy. That and I don’t want girls pointing and laughing at me again.

True Blood does torture porn right. Alexander Skarsgard, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are all on the cover of Rolling Stone naked and covered in blood.

In the issue, show creator Alan Ball offers up reasons why vampire sex is so great. Ball says it’s because no orifice is spared. Uh huh. Basically it’s this mathematical proof. If Sex = Win and Vampires = Win, then Vampires  + Sex = Double Win.

The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous, True Blood creator Alan Ball says. “To me, vampires are sex,” he says. “I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.” On his show, every available orifice is used for intercourse: gay, straight, between humans and supernatural beings, and supernatural being on supernatural being, whether he be werewolf, dog or an enormous Minotaur-looking being called a maenad. None of the sex is quite as good as vampire sex, though, which can happen at the astonishing rhythm of 120 bpm while simultaneously devouring one’s neck and making your eyes roll back into your head.

Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, then continues that they’ll even make new orifices to f-ck.

“If we go from a base level, vampires create a hole in the neck where there wasn’t one before. It’s a de-virginization — breaking the hymen, creating blood and then drinking the virginal blood. And there’s something sharp, the fang, which is probing and penetrating and moving into it. So that’s pretty sexy. I think that makes vampires attractive.” He laughs a little. “Plus, Robert Pattinson is just hot, right?”

Well when you put it that way I guess having someone neck f-ck me with their fangs is pretty sexy. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before. Maybe I was distracted by all the pain, blood and pissing of my pants.

In a PSA for the True Colors Fund, Anna Paquin made the surprise announcement that she’s bisexual. Although, based on all the pornos I’ve seen, all girls are, so this isn’t that big of a deal. Radar says,

The PSA was taped Saturday, January 30th, at the Standard Hotel in Los Angeles, and a source exclusively tells RadarOnline.com that Paquin, on-camera, identified herself as being bisexual, saying: “I’m Anna Paquin. I’m bisexual, and I give a damn.”

Our source tells us that people close to Paquin, who were at the shoot, did not know she was going to make the statement, and it was a surprise to them.

This would have made a larger impact if someone like Tom Cruise said he was bisexual. It’s more taboo for guys. Also, that way that one guy out there can nod his head and go “oh… so that’s why he stuck his penis up my butt.”

It’s always weird when people put a shirt on to go in the water. Like fat people or Anna Paquin here. It’s almost as if they were hiding something. In the fat person’s case, it’s their shame. In Anna’s case, I don’t know. Her, uh, unfashionable bikini?

“Mommy said to go out and play. Mommy said to wear my helmet at all times even when not riding. Mommy said I’m special and that’s why I get this pink bike and pink helmet. I’m specialer than you, actually. Mommy told me to not eat glue because glue is bad for you but I like glue because it’s yummy. Do you have any? Uh oh. Mommy said not to talk to strangers. Stranger danger! Stranger danger!”

Anna Paquin went topless on the season premiere of True Blood yesterday (I could have sworn she did this already). So, for those of you who haven’t seen Anna Paquin topless, but really want to see Anna Paquin topless, here you go. Enjoy, pervs.

I haven’t watched last night’s episode yet which is why I had to close my eyes while writing this so I wouldn’t see any spoilers. Please refrain from telling me that that makes no sense. I don’t want to hear a word out of you, you Negative Nancy.

Click the header for the uncensored version.

According to a statistic I just made up, one in ten die from playground accidents each year. That’s why Anna Paquin, her boyfriend and his kid played it safe by wearing special hand guards when swinging on the iron rings.

Celebrities. They’re just like us! By us, I mean you because I don’t need any protection when horsing around on the playground.  That’s right. Unlike you and your celebrity ilk, I stare death in the face.  If I ever get close enough, I will even slap death and make him cry. Half-inch fall onto cushiony sand and potential callouses, be damned. I’m brave!