Anne Heche does her best gopher impersonation

And not because he was once attracted to Anne Heche. Coley Laffoon manned up despite his unfortunate name and responded to Anne Heche’s verbal lashing on Wednesday’s Late Show With David Letterman. In response to being called a “lazy ass”, he tells Us,

“After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television.”

He also posted on Facebook, “I wish Anne Heche could see that public bullying isn’t good for the soul or positive for her child. It’s mean.”

You know what’s mean, Coley Laffoon? Having your child’s mother be Anne Heche. You know what else is mean, Coley Laffoon? Marissa Miller’s restraining order against me. Why does she keep fighting the inevitable? Answer me that, Coley Laffoon.

Anne Heche was on Letterman yesterday and after telling everyone not to get married because it’s the worst thing ever, the conversation turned even more delightful when they started talking about her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon. When Dave asks what he does for a living, Heche said “He goes out to the mailbox. He opens the mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh, I got a check from Anne. Oh, I got a check from Anne. Yay!’” I don’t know about you, but I get the feeling she doesn’t like him very much. It’s just something I picked up on.

An L.A. judge has relieved Anne Heche of her obligation to pay child support to her ex-husband for the month of July. Heche has been paying the guy $14,798 every month, but now claims she’s penniless save for the $34,840.93 left in her accounts. According to her, she can’t even pay her “son’s private school tuition, her Canadian mortgage, L.A. rent, auto and other expenses.”

In her declaration, Heche noted that her TV show, “Men In Trees,” had gotten the ax. She says since January, “I have been unemployed and had no income….except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000.”

A great way for Anne to save money would be to get rid of one of her homes, her expensive cars and stop eating $30 meals. But, that’s just me. Im craaaazy. People are probably sitting in their chairs gasping or spitting coffee at their screens after having just read my radical ideas. And they say Anne is the insane one!

Anne Heche’s divorce has become a lot worse. Coley Laffoon, who filed for divorce in February, is asking for $33,000 a month for support and primary custody of their 5-year-old son Homer. The poor guy quit his glamorous $6,000 a year job to be a stay at home dad and says Heche earns $81,000 an episode on Men in Trees. In addition, Coley claims Anne is still crazy.

“[Heche] has at times exhibited bizarre and delusional behavior for which she refuses to seek professional help,” the court papers say, citing as an example a time Heche called Laffoon from an airport sounding confused and not knowing where she was, then acting the next day as if nothing had happened.

I wouldn’t doubt it. There’s a lot of stories about Anne Heche acting crazy. If you gave Anne primary custody, she would feed that kid plastic fruit. Then she’d fling poo at him because she thinks he’s a sorcerer. But that’s just conjecture, let’s see what Wikipedia says.

Heche made claims in television interviews and in her autobiography, Call Me Crazy, that she was mentally ill for the first 31 years of her life after being sexually abused by her father (who died of AIDS in 1983). She also claimed to have an alter ego that was the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus named “Celestia,” who had contacts with extraterrestrial life forms. In her book, she explained that before her split with DeGeneres, she was contacted by “God” and told He would walk with her for seven days.

Her parents have got to be normal though, right?

Her mother, Nancy, is a Christian and psychotherapist, who says that she does not believe her late husband sexually abused Anne. Nancy tours the nation speaking with ex-gay groups claiming her prayers cured Anne of her homosexuality.

I guess not.