Courtney Love popped her social media crazy pills the other day and accused Dave Grohl of seducing her estranged daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Two WTFs later, Frances denied the rumors and suggested Twitter ban her mom. Courtney, having heard “ban” and “Twitter” started hyperventilating and immediately went back on Twitter to apologize.

“Bean, sorry I believed the gossip,” Love tweeted early Saturday. “Mommy loves you.”

Ah, Twitter. Stalking estranged family members in 140 characters or less since 2007.

Internet tough guy Mark Wahlberg told Men’s Journal that if he had been on board that 9/11 flight, he wouldn’t have been a pussy like those other passengers and would have taken action, beating up the terrorists and safely landing the plane. Naturally, relatives of the victims were none to pleased about his comments.

“What? Now they want me to be sorry for stopping 9/11? What a bunch of queeahs,” Mark thought to himself. He thought it best to apologize anyway.

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.” TMZ

Well, that’s not really an apology. He’s sorry it “came off as insensitive.” It doesn’t sound like he’s changed his mind about being able to save the day. Because it’s the truth. Mark Wahlberg would have single-handedly disarmed the terrorists and landed the plane. “Like a bahs.”

Alec Baldwin was kicked off American Airlines last week after he became agitated when a flight attendant made him shut off his cell phone. Baldwin said he was merely playing Words With Friends while the plane was stopped at the gate. Meanwhile, passengers and the flight attendant say Alec threw a hissy fit and slammed the lavatory door so loudly that the captain of the plane went to see what was going on.

Well, entitled actor Alec Baldwin wanted an apology so he guest starred on SNL and gave one himself. To himself.

I’m not sure that’s how apologies work.

In an excerpt released from an upcoming Vanity Fair interview, Johnny Depp compared doing photo shoots to being raped. Someone somewhere must have shaken their jowls in shocked disbelief because he’s now apologized for the comment.

“I am truly sorry for offending anyone in any way. I never meant to. It was a poor choice of words on my part in an effort to explain a feeling,” Depp said in the statement. “I understand there is no comparison and I am very regretful. In an effort to correct my lack of judgment, please accept my heartfelt apology.” HuffPo Celeb

Everyone loves Johnny Depp. He could have gotten away with saying he wasn’t referring to rape rape and if that didn’t work, he could have personally gone up to critics, looked them in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry.” There’s a 100% chance they’d be speechless, turn red, fall in love and faint. That is, only if his expression isn’t like it is in the header pic because then the appropriate reaction would be to call the police to warn them about a possible stabbing.

Madonna made a mock video apology to hydrangeas proving that she has still no idea why everyone thought she was being a bitch when she rolled her eyes and said, “I loathe hydrangeas,” when she was handed them at a press conference for her new film. This video can be basically summed up as, “ha ha, f**k you, Madonna still hates your hydrangeas, you asshat.”

Remember that video of Madonna graciously accepting flowers and then making fun of that asshole who gave it to her behind his back because that ignorant buffoon didn’t know Madonna “loathes hydrangeas?” No? Well relive it here.

It took a day or two but Madonna finally apologized for being a b*tch the only way she knew how. By not apologizing. Oh, that Madonna.

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world,” the rep said in a short statement. “No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

I think she missed the point. It wasn’t the fact she hurt the feelings of hydrangeas or its fans, it was the fact she was an asshat to the guy who gave it to her. But that’s Madonna for you. Flowers mean more to her than those peons who kiss her ass as you can tell by this non-apology directed towards a plant.

Gerard Depardieu has apologized for urinating in the cabin during a flight to Dublin. He called it a humiliating experience. According to Gerard, he was not drunk, rather, his prostate was acting up. Why, if I had a nickel…

His friend Edouard Baer passed him a bottle to pee in but it overflowed. In a statement issued to the French Media, Baer said, “Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess. He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

A passenger on the CityJet plane, however, claims Depardieu stood up minutes before take off and shouted, “Je veux pisser, je veux pisser,” which translates to “I want to pee.”

Add this to your list of celebrity excuses. There’s exhaustion for drug and alcohol issues and now prostate problems for peeing in the middle of the plane. So if you ever get drunk and pee in the middle of a plane, just tell everyone you have an exhausted prostate. I think people will understand.

GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios slammed Tracy Morgan’s “anti-gay tirade” he performed during a stand up routine in Nashville last week.

“Tracy Morgan’s management needs to investigate these allegations and should they prove true, we call on him to remove these violently anti-gay remarks from his show and send a strong message that anti-gay violence is not something to joke about,”

“Hateful remarks that mock youth suicides and the very real emotional and sometimes physical bullying LGBT kids face on a daily basis have no place in a comedy routine,” saidHRC vice president of communications, Fred Sainz. “I’m shocked that Tracy Morgan would find humor in so viciously attacking our youth. If these allegations are true, Tracy Morgan must immediately accept responsibility and apologize. His employer, NBC Universal, also must come forward and condemn these atrocious comments.”

Shortly after, Tracy Morgan kowtowed and released an apology.

“I want to apologize to my fans and the gay & lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville,” he said. “I’m not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others. While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context,” added Morgan.

Hey, good win for GLAAD. But then again, if every anti-defamation group got their way, the only jokes we’d hear would be about airplane food and Jennifer Aniston being a lonely spinster. Come on. Face it. She’s not getting married any time soon.

Because everyone is a hypersensitive baby, Lady Gaga apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe people who think her song is a rip-off of Madonna in her NME interview.

“I consider it part of my life’s work and music to push the boundaries of love and acceptance. My apologies for not speaking thoughtfully. To anyone that was hurt, please know that it was furiously unintentional. An honest mistake, requires honesty to make,” Gaga, 25, said.

Quoting her smash hit “Born This Way,” she concluded: “Whether life’s disabilities, left you outcast bullied or teased, rejoice and love yourself today.”

Celebrities must be tired having to apologize for every little word that might offend someone. Trust me. Retarded people couldn’t care less. They have more important things to worry about. Like deciding which brand paste to eat today. I’d pick Elmer’s. Its full-bodied texture gives it that extra zing.

Here she is falling down again during her concert. Skip to 1:27. Maybe she has an inner ear problem. She should get that checked out.

Mickey Rourke told NY Mag yesterday that the movie he did with 50 Cent and Passion Play were both terrible movies and insinuated Megan Fox wasn’t a good actress. Now he’s backtracking. After realizing he angered the studio gods, Rourke sent an email to Vulture correcting his statements.

“Hey, guys. When I talked to you, I was at a party. It was loud and crowded, I was in a shitty mood and I was trying to get rid of your reporter. Mitch is one of my best friends since we were kids. I loved working with him and would do it again tomorrow. I don’t know why I said that stupid shit. I love Mitch, I love Megan. My bad.”

He wanted to get rid of a reporter so he told them all but one of the movies he’s filmed sucked and so did Megan Fox. That makes complete sense. I wonder why the reporter didn’t go away after that. What he said seemed totally uninteresting and obviously made the interview really dull.

Now, for your pleasure, Mickey Rourke in spandex.

Chris Brown has apologized for throwing a toddler sized temper tantrum backstage at Good Morning America. Appearing on BET’s 106 & Park, Chris explained that the Rihanna questions which set him off weren’t approved and he was ambushed by host Robin Roberts thus contradicting Robin’s claim that the questions were approved by Chris himself. After the interview, Chris merely went backstage to “let off steam.” I guess that means throwing a chair through a window, taking his shirt off and angrily walking outside.

“First of all I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, anybody who was offended or really looked disappointed at my actions because I was really disappointed in my actions” Brown told show hosts Rocsi and Terrance. “A lot of people don’t know what went down. When I do shows or I do interviews we always send out a talking points sheet and if the network or whomever doing the interviewing isn’t complying with what we want to do so we can equally accomplish a goal we usually back out until its a better situation.”

“When we actually did this event everything was cool. We was suppose to perform, the talking points were positivity, creative, and everything that was sent to me, everything was about the album. So as the interview proceeded it was thrown off, i was kind of thrown off by it. I felt like they told us this so that they can just get us on the show just to exploit me. That’s what I thought. And so I took it very, very hard. I kind of kept my composure throughout the whole interview although you can see me upset. I kept my composure and did my performance and when I got back I let off steam in the back. I didn’t physically hurt anyone I didn’t try to hurt anyone. I just wanted to release the anger I had inside me cause I felt like I worked so hard for this music. And i love my fans and I love to be able to make positive music that I felt like people kept, just trying to take it away from me, take away from me. So yes, I got very emotional and I apologize for acting like that.”

So Chris is sorry. Sort of. It’s not his fault. GMA drove him to this. In a way, they broke their own window. Like Rihanna. She practically punched herself in her own face after frustrating him. I swear it feels like Chris is trying to say it’s no big deal because at least he didn’t “let off steam” on Robin Roberts’ face. And I suppose that’s true. A round of applause is in order.

In an interview with Page Six Magazine via Us, Chris Brown calls the Rihanna incident where he punched her in the face a bunch of times a “mishap.” He also says he’s done apologizing because he’s no fool.

“People are always gonna talk. But I’m in a positive place. I consider myself a grown-ass man,” says the star, whose new album F.A.M.E. stands for “Forgiving All My Enemies.”

That positive place is a little smaller pile of cash.

Speaking of forgiveness, Brown says he’s done apologizing for the brutal Rihanna attack. “At the end of the day,” muses the “Forever” singer, “if I walk around apologizing to everybody, I’m gonna look like a damn fool.”

Yea, only an idiot would keep apologizing for punching Rihanna in the face 100 times. A real man would tell people, “Well, at least I don’t have to tell her twice.”

A judge recently downgraded a restraining order barring contact between Brown and Rihanna, 23. (Brown is serving five years probation for the crime, and completed court-mandated domestic violence classes plus 180 hours of hard labor last year.)

In the wake of that shocking scandal, Brown says “a handful of people stuck by me,” including fellow musicians Pitbull and producer Pharrell Williams.

Hmmm, I wonder why. Is it because Pitbull also likes punching people?

Still, he complains that many folks “turn[ed] away. They don’t want to get involved with it because they don’t want their name attached to anything negative. Unknowingly, they kind of show their true colors when they do that.”

He’s right. Traitors. If so called friends don’t stick by you after you give a girl multiple contusions, bruising, black eyes and a split lip, they’re not really your friends anyway. That’s what my dad always told me.

“You can’t blame people for how they want to be portrayed or if they don’t want to be associated with somebody who had a particular mishap.”

Just a mishap. Like spilled milk. And no one cries over spilled milk. What are you? A pussy?

“The last two years, everybody dissed me,” Brown says. “But my fans were so dedicated. The way I look at it is, you can’t walk around mad, because then you just prove everybody right that you’re an angry person.”

That’s true but another way to prove to people you’re an angry person is to punch your girlfriend in the face multiple times sending her to the hospital. That always does the trick.

Last night on Inside the NBA which aired live from Madison Square Garden, co-host Kevin Smith asked Tracy Morgan to settle an argument between him and Charles Barkley: Tina Fey or Sarah Palin? Just so we’re clear, this is Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock and this wasn’t a question about politics.

Okay. Now that that’s settled. Tracy said, “Yo, let me tell you something about Sarah Palin. She’s good masturbation material.” At which point, humorless execs at TNT had a massive coronary.

TNT has since released a statement apologizing for the remark. “It’s unfortunate Mr. Morgan showed a lack of judgment on our air with his inappropriate comments. We apologize for any embarrassment or offense it may have caused.”

In Tracy’s defense, it was really their fault for even handing him a microphone. There are two things you don’t do in life. Play hot potato with an armed grenade and give Tracy Morgan a microphone during a live broadcast.