Over the weekend, Michael Lohan’s ex-girlfriend, Kat Major, was arrested in Boca Raton. According to the police report, it could have ended much worse.

Cops were called to an apartment parking lot at 9:45 PM Saturday night after a witness saw Kate beating up a man and his wife, Rosario Tapia and Juan Jimenez.

Upon arriving at the scene, police say Kate was being restrained on the ground by several people who saw the attack. In the police report, the officer described the scene: ’I attempted to speak with Major, who was screaming and yelling obscenities at Tapia, calling her a ‘fat f**k’ and a ‘b*tch’.”

Jimenez didn’t know why he was attacked but said they were in the parking lot waiting for a space to open up when Major came running towards them. Kate opened the door and called him and his wife “several racist names” before attacking his wife in the hands, breast and face.

Cops tried to arrest her but she resisted and tried kicking them. Once they wrangled her to the jail, she yelled at police and tried to make a run for it. Kate even slapped an arresting officer and called him a “fat f**k.”

Major was charged with resisting arrest and battery on a police officer on top of the original battery charge.

Boca Rotan police showed a lot of restraint. If this were me, two minutes into this, Kate would already be convulsing on the floor from being tased. And I would have set the taser past ”annoying b**ch” to “charging rhino.”

Adam Lambert and Finnish boyfriend Sauli Koskinen were arrested last night outside of popular Helsinki gay bar DTM (Don’t Tell Mama). Not surprisingly, that bar is one letter away from ATM.

Reports say the two were kicked out of DTM following a fight in one of the backrooms which carried on outside. Finnish beauty queen Sofia Ruusila, who had been celebrating with them, tried to break it up but Adam hit her on accident. Adam and Sauli were held for questioning on four possible assault charges.

Investigator Juvonen has completed his interrogation and the two were released on Thursday afternoon. Koskinen later blogged about the incident, writing in Finnish (as translated by Google): “Celebrities are people too and fame is not easy. Love is not always easy either, but it’s forever.” Koskinen goes on to say that the “hangover is gone already” and “Paparazzi, police stations have back doors, too, go away already.” The Hollywood Reporter

Based on my awesome stereotyping, I wonder why these two were arrested in the first place. High pitched whining, finger snapping, head shaking and kitten slaps can hardly be considered dangerous.

This isn’t celebrity related at all but it fits the “dumbasses” theme today and it’s a cool story. Bro.

Cops clocked Erin B. Holdsworth of Bainbridge, Ohio doing 110 mph. When authorities tried to pull her over, she led them on a high speed chase reaching speeds of up to 128 mph. Eventually, cops said f it and laid down spike strips disabling both tires on the left side of her car. She pulled over to the side of the road a short time later.

When police told her to get out of the vehicle, they realized she was almost topless wearing only a see-through tube top, a g-string and wedge heels. They then beat her with their night sticks aka their wangs. Just kidding. They threw her in the back of a squad car where she flung obscenities at them. As would anyone. This b*tch just wants to party. Wooo!

She was booked on OVI, refusing a blood alcohol content test, fleeing and alluding, criminal damaging, driving under a suspended license, speeding, reckless operation and stealing my heart.

Michael Lohan was arrested for the second time in a week after violating a judge’s order to not contact his girlfriend Kate Major who refuses to give him a blowjob. On Wednesday, Judge Walter Heinrich told Lohan, “If you even dream about her and you violate my order, you will go to jail.”

On Wednesday afternoon, Lohan violated that order. He called Kate while she was in front of the police. So if you’re wondering why Lindsay Lohan is such an idiot. It’s genetic.

Investigators say while officers were talking with Major at her apartment, Lohan called again. She put him on speakerphone and police listened in.

Police say Lohan seemed to want to work things out with Major. After five minutes, they told her to hang up the phone.

After checking with the State Attorney’s Office, Tampa Police decided Lohan had violated the judge’s no-contact order.

They went to the Tahitian Inn on S. Dale Mabry Hwy. in South Tampa at around 1 a.m. Thursday to arrest him. WTSP

That’s when Michael tried to escape by jumping from his balcony, falling on top of wooden high chairs and then hiding in some trees. Yes, Michael Lohan’s life is a cartoon. He’s like Pepe Le Pew if Pepe Le Pew was an abusive boyfriend.

“we saw the def fall from a 3rd floor balcony next to the one we were standing on. The def apparently leaped up from his balcony and grabbed a hold of the roof. He then must have scurried across the roof (about 30 feet) until he thought he was hanging over top of the next balcony. The def then let go but missed this balcony. He came crashing down on top of wooden high chairs that were laying on the ground. This fall was 34 feet (measured with laser). The def then hid in some trees directly below where he was apprehended.”

Michael was taken to the hospital instead of being processed because he may have broken his foot. Once he’s cleared by doctors, though, he’ll go straight to jail.

As usual, none of this was Michael’s fault. It was entrapment by the conniving Kate Major. Remember. Nothing is ever a Lohan’s fault.

“She keeps doing this. She needs help, she calls me, and I’m a sucker. I call back, and I’m an idiot,” Lohan said.

“So the problem his hers or yours?” photojournalist Van Williams asked.

“Well, she keeps calling — she was getting evicted from the apartment — she called up, and she said she needed help,” Lohan answered.

What we can learn from all this is Michael isn’t a bad guy, he just cares too much. So much so that sometimes he just needs to kick his girlfriend in the vagina or beat her for not giving him a bj. It’s for her own good.

More details have emerged surrounding Michael Lohan’s arrest. Namely, the 911 call his girlfriend Kat Major made last night. A panicky Kate tells the operator, “I’m afraid of him. He’s gonna come in her and hit me.” You can listen to it here. Kate sounds real calm during the call like this isn’t her first domestic violence rodeo.

What was the cause of the argument though? Allegedly, Michael threatened Kate after she refused to give him oral sex. Ooohh, okay. Understandable. I’m pretty pissed if my girlfriend didn’t go down on me either. But usually I just stomp around angrily and plop down in a chair, cross my arms and go “hmph!” instead of threatening violence. See, they can’t call the cops if all you’re doing is throwing an adult temper tantrum.

Soulja Boy was arrested in Temple, GA at 3:15 a.m. by Temple PD for a “substantial amount” of weed and cash inside the Escalade he was riding around in. Originally pulled over for a traffic violation, Soulja Boy and his four male cohorts were taken in when officers found the marijuana, $70,000 in cash and also guns.

Law enforcement tells TMZ, all 5 men were arrested on charges of possession of marijuana, possession with intent to distribute, and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.

We’re told the Escalade Soulja was riding in was part of a car service — and the driver was one of the five men arrested. TMZ

Finally, I was beginning to think rappers were getting too commercial. It’s good to know a few rappers are still dumb enough to ride around with $70,000 in cash, large amounts of weed and firearms in their car. Sadly, it looks like Soulja Boy’s mobile drug business is getting off to a bad start.

In an investigation dubbed “Operation Hackerazzi,” the FBI have arrested a Florida man suspected of hacking into the phones of Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens, Ali Larter, Jessica Alba and Emma Caulfield and distributing the pictures.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the FBI has known about him for months but the US Attorney didn’t take action until now.

Sources say the Floridian made no money off the leaked nudes. He only hacked celeb phones and distributed the pictures for the thrill of it.

Whew. America’s most notorious cell phone hacker has been apprehended. I no longer have to live my life in fear. Thanks, FBI. Now maybe you can help me track down the person who stole my iPhone? Have I ever been on the cover of PEOPLE? Um, no? What does that have to do with any… oooh.

Big Boi, 1/2 of Outkast, was busted by customs and border patrol dogs as he left a cruise ship on Sunday afternoon.Miami-Dade County Corrections Department charged Big Boi with three counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of possession. Ecstasy pills, MDMA powder and Viagra were listed as the found controlled substances. Big Boi didn’t have a prescription for the Viagra.

Big Boi’s attorney Daniel Kane is going to go with the “it was my friend’s drugs” defense. He is very wise. Kane said, “A small amount of contraband was found in the collective luggage. I am confident when the entire facts are aired Big Boi will be completely exonerated.” That basically means he’s going to pay his friend a lot of money to say it was theirs.

Doesn’t it suck to be nicknamed Big Boi and have to pop Viagra to party? It feels like one of nature’s cruel jokes. Sort of like when you get excited seeing a celebrity vagina flash only to find out it belongs to a post-pregnancy Britney Spears.

Snooki crashed into a police car and was taken into custody in Florence, Italy on Monday. No one was injured and a source says it’s not a formal arrest.

A witness tells TMZ, Snooki smacked right into the back of the patrol car, wedging her ride between the car and a highway protection wall. The witness says Deena was in the passenger seat at the time of the crash — and when she tried to exit the car, she had to go through the window … because the door was blocked by the wall.

Snooki is a woman and two feet tall. That’s already two strikes against her. She shouldn’t even be allowed behind the wheel. I wouldn’t even let her take me to the hospital if I was dying. My last words would be, “Do you have the car keys?,” right before I snatch it from her and swallow it.

Estella Warren, who you may have purposefully forgotten starred in the dismal Marky Mark Planet of the Apes remake, was arrested in LA yesterday for hitting three cars, kicking a cop and attempting to flee a police station. She out Lindsay Lohan’ed Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay is going to be so pissed.

TMZ says the incident happened Monday night. Warren was driving in LA when she hit three parked cars with her Toyota Prius. She turned it into a hit-and-run but cops found her and arrested her for DUI. She didn’t go quietly as she resisted and kicked a cop. Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs and while they were booking her, she managed to escape her handcuffs and run out the back door. She didn’t get too far considering it was a f**king police station and she was recaptured.

Warren was booked for felony escape, assault, hit and run and DUI. A law enforcement source said in the world’s most obvious statement, “She was really hammered.”

This all happened just before midnight so maybe Estella was trying to rush home before her fairy godmother took away her 15th minute of fame. Suffice to say, it worked. Now she’s moderately famous again. I love happy endings.

A drunk Andy Dick was arrested on Monday night in Temecula, CA and booked at 9:48 p.m. on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct with alcohol. Bail was set at $500. No word on what actually happened but considering it’s Andy Dick, it couldn’t have been as innocuous as public urination. He probably tried to rape a squirrel.

This is actually an improvement over last time we saw him. Last time, Radar caught him snorting coke and mouthing a woman’s naked breasts. Congratulations are in order.

Nicolas Cage and his hair were arrested for domestic violence on Saturday morning after New Orleans police found him “heavily intoxicated” and arguing with his wife Alice Kim. The two were arguing over which apartment they were staying at. Nic said it was the one they were in front of. It wasn’t.

Sometime after, Cage started grabbing Kim’s arm and hitting cars before taunting a cop. He was arrested after refusing to get out of a taxi when asked by the police. In the end, he was booked and charged with domestic abuse, disturbing the peace and public drunkeness.

Witnesses say before he was arrested, Cage was in a tattoo parlor throwing his clothes around and demanding a tattoo. He told the employees to call the cops. Asked why, he said he didn’t remember where he lived.

I think observing a drunk Nic Cage would be amazing because he’d be acting like does in the freak out video below but with ten times the enthusiasm. If that were possible. Also, there’d be a lot of hair flipping and if Willow Smith has taught anything, hair flipping is awesome.

Continuing her downward spiral, Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler were arrested for public intoxication early Tuesday morning in West Hollywood. To be fair, she didn’t do anything wrong besides let her drunk boyfriend drive her home.

At around 2:45 a.m., cops noticed Matthew driving erratically and pulled him over. They determined he was drunk and arrested him for misdemeanor DUI. Cops also noticed Christina was “extremely intoxicated” and since she couldn’t take care of herself, they took her in for public intoxication. Her booking sheet lists her as 5’2” and 100 lbs.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department, Rutler’s bail was set at $5,000.

However, the source adds, “If the driver had NOT been arrested for DUI, [Christina] would have never been in trouble.”

Sources close to Xtina tell us they have been trying to get the singer into a rehab program for weeks.

Next time the cops should have fun with her and draw a penis on her face with Sharpie. I’m not sure how that would help but it couldn’t hurt.