While Jessica Simpson, who has yet to be pregnant, denies rumors that she’s getting a breast reduction to make herself look skinny, Ashlee Simpson (left side), who’s had one kid, is on vacation in Mexico in a hot little bikini denying rumors that her ass was genetically engineered by horny scientists.

Geez, just look at that. Ashlee may be the talentless one in the family but she more than makes up for it by not being fat. Although her dad is creeping me out by pulling a half-Basic Instinct in that lounge chair.

It was only February when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz announced their divorce after two and a half years of marriage. Pete, however, wouldn’t let go. He kept wearing his wedding ring even after the break-up and seemed to be still trying to win Ashlee back even though she’s dating his friend, Craig Owens.

It seemed pathetic at first but, hey, all that groveling might have worked. X17 says the two were seen hand in hand flirting with each other during a Starbucks run with their kid. An eyewitness tells X17, “Ashlee and Pete definitely seem back on — from their body language to the smile on their faces, it certainly looks like they’re headed toward reconciliation.”

This source isn’t far off from sounding like an internet commenter who cries “fake” and claims “I can see the pixels.” Just because a girl smiles and looks happy doesn’t mean she is. Hell, I can make a girl smile and flirt with me. Just give me a knife.

Craig Owens is a member of the band D.R.U.G.S. which just released its first album on Decaydance, Pete Wentz’s record label. Pete even called D.R.U.G.S. his favorite band of 2010. Not only that, but:

“Pete did a lot for this guy,” a Wentz source tells UsMagazine.com. “Craig was in another band and got kicked out. Pete found Craig, built a band around him and signed him.”

To repay Pete for his kindness, Craig started nailing his ex-wife, Ashlee Simpson. What a good friend.

A witness says the two were holding hands in the elevator at the Beverly Center mall in LA and “a lot of the time he had his arm around her. They even kissed each other on the lips. It was obvious they were a couple.”

Attempting to spin this, a “source” claims, “Ashlee and Craig are longtime friends. They have spent some time together, and he is comforting her throughout this difficult time.”

I’m sure he’s comforting her real well. Comforting her on the couch, on the table, on the stairs, on the kitchen counter, at her house, at his house. He’s given Ashlee so much comforting that that you could say she’s been comforted right up the butt.

Ashlee Simpson is hoping to get primary physical custody of her and Pete Wentz’s 2-year-old son Bronx. Probably because she loves the child support with all her heart. I guess that sounds like a cynical way of interpreting this. That is until you find out Ashlee wants the court to make Pete pay for both of their legal fees. Unsurprisingly, Pete has taken issue with that.

Wentz just filed legal papers in response to Ashlee’s divorce petition … asking the judge for JOINT physical and legal custody of their son. In her divorce petition, Ashlee checked the box that indicated she wanted primary physical custody.

According to the docs, filed in L.A. County Superior Court and obtained by TMZ, Wentz also wants each party to pay their own legal fees … even though Ashlee asked the court to make Pete foot the bill for both sides.

And while Ashlee didn’t specify the official break-up date in her papers — Pete says the two called it quits on Feb. 9 … just days after Pete came home from a wife-less trip to Dallas for the Super Bowl.

So Ashlee filed for divorce, wants child support and won’t even pay her legal fees. Is this because she resents Pete for costing her a lucrative music career? Someone should tell her it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. By laughing in her face.

When Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, her side said it was because Pete was touring too much and was never home and that she didn’t sign up to be a single mother. Pete cried and cried trying to reconcile with Ashlee but it was fruitless. Now there’s another side to the story.

Friends of Ashlee and Pete say she’s the one to blame. Ashlee has been out partying for the last few months while Pete was away. “Specifically, the singer-actress hangs with a crew of pro skateboarders in San Clemente, Calif. and returns home at sunrise. She would loose track of time.”

Pete “started getting burnt out” by it. He felt he couldn’t trust Ashlee while he was on tour. He “would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he’d have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be.”

Meanwhile, Popeater claims Ashlee’s dad, Joe, was partly to blame. In the creepiest quote you’ll read today, a friend says “Joe likes being the only man in his daughters’ lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick.”

Why wouldn’t he be happy? That teddy bear nanny cam he has in the bathroom has pretty much gone to waste since Ashlee and Jessica left. Just kidding. But not really. That dude is creepy. I wouldn’t put it past him. He probably has gigs of half-naked pictures from his daughter’s photoshoots so he can look them over and critique them.

This shouldn’t come as a shock to any of you but skinny jean wearing Pete Wentz has been incessantly crying since Ashlee Simpson blindsided him with a divorce. Pete wants her back but Ashlee is done and wants to focus on her kid and career (huh?).

“Pete has been crying a lot to her about this,” a source close to the couple told RadarOnline.com. “He is crushed, and does not want it to be over.”

“Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she’s ready to move on,” said the source.

“When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him.

Quick, get this guy away from razor blades. He might pretend to slit his wrists and then we might have to listen to his blubbering for another three months.

Ashlee Simpson is allegedly split from Pete Wentz because he’s spending too much time away from home. And because all women are insane and conniving, Radar is reporting that Ashlee filed for divorce in order to “shock” Pete Wentz into canceling his upcoming tour, or at least modifying them, so he could stay home with her and their son Bronx. The problem is it won’t work, claims a source.

The 26-year-old former singer was “fed up” with her husband being away from home for extended periods of time and wanted him to give up his band life and concentrate more on his home life and on being a father to their 2-year-old son Bronx Mowgli.

“Ashlee and Pete would argue constantly about him touring,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “Since she gave birth to Bronx she hated him being away from home and wanted him to stop the band life and work more on producing music, so he could be around to concentrate more on being a husband and father.

“When Fall Out Boy went on hiatus things were great between them again and it was just like old times, but the next thing you know Pete formed his new band and then he was off touring again.

“I think that Ash has just finally had enough of it. She’s put all her musical aspirations to the side to concentrate on being a mom and it is a big bone of contention with her that Pete just swans off around the world with his buddies like he’s a single guy.

I want you guys to read that last line again. “She’s put all her musical aspirations to the side.” Let that sink in for a moment. Now let’s take a trip down memory lane to the day that should have ended all hopes of a music career. The day she was caught lip syncing on SNL and tried to cover up the embarrassment by doing a little jig. Ashlee must be real, real optimistic about life to think she has any future in music. She’s not just a “half glass full” kind of girl, she’s a “glass is empty, but someone will fill it up soon, right?, right?!,” kind of girl. That or because she effectively killed her dreams, Pete can’t have his. Sort of like in middle school when your friend had that huge jawbreaker but your mom wouldn’t buy you one so you just knocked his into the dirt.

Sad news everyone. Your fairytale marriage is now over. Ashlee Simpson went to L.A. County Superior Court on Wednesday and filed for divorce from her newly fro-jacked husband Pete Wentz. Ashlee cites “irreconcilable differences” as the reason. She’s also asking for joint legal custody and primary physical custody of their two-year-old son Bronx along with spousal and child support.

Sigh. And they were so perfect for each other. Talentless, unattractive. It really seemed like the perfect union.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz attended day 7 of the US Open. When Fall Out Boy started playing, Ashlee began dancing like a drunk lunatic. Actually, this was pretty impressive for her. She has less rhythm than a deaf kid. I bet she picked up a few moves at UCLA Medical’s epileptic ward.

Ashlee Simpson made her debut has Roxie Hart in the Broadway play Chicago in NYC Monday night. Amazingly, people still hire her over her much better looking sister Jessica. I wonder why. Maybe it’s because Jessica let herself go. We could talk about the play and how Ashlee seemed to do fine, but let’s criticize Jessica’s weight. That seems more fun.

Jess showed up to the premiere last night looking a little heftier. She used to be all fit and toned with big breasts. Now her abs look like they’re made of Jell-O. That tight sequined dress isn’t doing her any favors either. She looks like a disco ball. Like whenever she spun around you’d think you were in Saturday Night Fever. Even Jessica knows she’s a little out of it. During the premiere, she asked a friend, “Doesn’t this show make you want to work out? Watching those girls, I’m like, ‘I need to get in shape.’”

Oh, thank god. I thought I was the only one who thought that. Now when I tell her to “hit the gym, fatty” at her next concert at the state fair I won’t feel as bad when she starts crying and stuffing her face with blueberry pie. Jessica Simpson gallery below. Ashlee’s gallery starts here. Another, more unflattering view of Jessica here.

Ashlee Simpson has come to her sister’s defense. She says you should stop calling Jessica fat because she has an incredible body. She fails to go into more detail because she didn’t want to burst out laughing. Ashlee says in the December issue of Women’s Health,

“My sister has an incredible body. I feel sorry for anyone who would judge her, because she’s one sexy lady. It’s disgusting that people would say those things.”

Ashlee is right. Sort of. Jessica looks like hell now only if you compare present Jessica to past Jessica. But that’s the point. If no one ever compared anything, people would be masturbating to the Jenna Jameson of today instead of digging around in their collection to find a DVD of her 15 years ago. And that’s not a world I’d want to live in.

Apparently, the folks at Chicago didn’t get the memo from Melrose Place that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is a terrible actress. In December, she will be playing Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago for six weeks. According to People, Ashlee “played the role in the London run of the musical. It would, however, be her Broadway debut.”

Ashlee lucked out with marrying Pete Wentz. His ability to simultaneously play the roles of both mother and douchebag enables Ashlee to focus on the illusion that she is an actress. I predict three weeks from December, Jessica will be tweeting on how lame the Chicago script is and thanking the good Lord that Ashlee brought them press. And when my prediction comes true, you owe me your penis. Those are the terms. Take it or leave it.

A week or two ago, Ashlee Simpson was dropped from Melrose Place. Probably because no one cared about her. Except for maybe her sister Jessica who tweeted Sunday, “CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press.”

You heard that right. The star of Major Movie Star and Blonde Ambition just blamed her box office bombs on bad writing. Because if she had worked with Scrosese, she’d be winning Oscars right now. Just imagine how much more awful those films would have been had Jessica not salvaged them with her acting. You’d probably have broken the DVD in half to prevent anyone else from seeing those abortions of a movie instead of just throwing the DVDs on the ground in disgust.

However, according to Us Weekly. The real reason Ashlee Simpson was fired was because she sucks at acting.

“They hired her because they needed a good name to help create buzz,” a set insider told Us Weekly. “But she was embarrassingly bad. Producers cut her down as much as possible.”

They also say everyone is too nice to tell her. If I were them, I’d drop hints like whenever she finishes filming a scene, the director should make a sad face. Then another time she finishes a scene, someone should punch her in the face. I’d think that’d be a really big hint.