Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen showed so much promise before they turned 18. Now they scare me and I’m genuinely baffled by how they have a multi-million dollar fashion empire. Girls want to dress like this? They look like a couple of old, rich, eccentric white women. I’m half expecting them to offer me some tea from their ivory carved teapot.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen haven’t been heard from in a while because they’ve been swimming around in their money vault like Scrooge McDuck but they made an appearance at the WWD 100 Anniversary Gala in NY yesterday. To no one’s amazement, they still dress like homeless witches. I half expected them to bite the head off a snake and cast a spell on me. Also, why does Mary-Kate (or is that Ashley) look so shifty? Did she queef?

Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate are reportedly fighting over whether or not to have breast enlargements. Mary-Kate doesn’t want to because she’s into that waifish look and thinks clothes look better with less cleavage. Ashley, on the other hand, wants tits. Star writes:

“Ashley is considering getting her boobs done because she wants to look more voluptuous,” says one source. “And she told Mary-Kate that she wanted her to get one at the same time so that it wouldn’t be glaringly obvious that Ashley had work done. That way, they could say that they had just both matured and were filling out naturally.”

Oh yea, I’m sure it wouldn’t be obvious that they had work done. People don’t notice these things at all. It’s not like I didn’t send Marisa Miller a letter yesterday telling her to check that mole in quadrant 4 of her left breast because it seems to have grown .3 centimeters.

Ashley Olsen is fed up with the paparazzi and have called them out for being too aggressive. The 22-year-old 5’1” celebrity says it’s hard for her to escape the flashbulbs because of her troll-like build. Have you seen her walk? It’s like she has no knees.

“Honestly, I’m a wreck, Every time I see a camera, I’m a wreck. I don’t tend to react as though ‘I have to do this, it’s my job.’ I am reacting as a woman who is five-foot-one whose space is being invaded by a bunch of men whose aggression I can literally feel.”

In L.A. it is even worse because they are running red lights behind you, and I worry all the time about something terrible happening, someone getting hurt because of me, how I could ever possibly live with that. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have kids in the back seat and have to go through this and pretend for their sake that you are not scared.”

To make matters worse, whenever Ashley screams in her 12-year-old voice for the photogs to stop, they all start cooing. It’s hard to be threatening when right after your verbal assault people go, “Aww, how cute. Is poor wittle baby mad? Does baby want her bottle?”

Rumors are coming in that Ashley Olsen may have fired her sister, Mary-Kate, from their clothing line The Row. Ashley didn’t think Mary-Kate’s partying and all around debauchery was a good image for the company and has asked her to step down.

“She asked her sister to step back from her current responsibilities until she has her personal life together.” Instead, MK will focus on their more affordable line, Elizabeth and James, for which their roles were always less hands-on.

What a bitch. If I was Mary-Kate, I wouldn’t go out without making a scene. I’d angrily brush everything off my desk and stomp around yelling, “How could you do this to me?” Then I’d go right up to Ashley and slap her right in her holier-than-thou face. Then I’d get the hell out before she realizes what just happened. Ahhhh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

That’s Mary-Kate in the picture above. How did she skip her 20′s and end up in her 30′s.

Yesterday it was all about Lindsay downing Red Bull and Grey Goose, today it’s all about Lindsay getting jealous that Ashley Olsen said “Hi” to her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

“Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, ‘Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ a – - away from my girlfriend,’ ” said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson “was ignoring her” and became upset. “Samantha was really focused on her work and didn’t leave the booth for anything,” said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she’s even created a Facebook profile under “Lindsay Ronson.”

Two girls fighting over one girl. On the surface, this story had the potential to be really erotic because all problems such as this can be easily solved by them going to a hotel and having a threesome while I sit in the corner breathing heavily. Unfortunately, things don’t always turn out the way you fantasized. Lindsay Lohan looks like a slutty Oompa Loompa, Samantha Ronson looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Ashley Olsen looks like she enjoys boiling eye of newt and tusk of rhino every now and then. A threesome with them would turn out to be as erotic as the time I ate a turkey sandwich and found a fingernail in it.

Lindsay’s Facebook here if you want to Super Poke her. IN THE VAGINA! Be part of New York regional and you don’t have to friend her.

Even though their rail-thin bodies will never be able to withstand the Santa Ana winds short of nailing their feet to the ground, I’d still hit Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen without hesitation and with much gusto. There’s nothing hotter than the sound of ribs cracking and pelvis’ breaking during sex. Banging the Olsens would roughly sound like eating a bowl of Rice Krispies except with them, I won’t be the only one moaning with pleasure.

Ashley Olsen and friends are seen here shopping in LA. That act alone shouldn’t be creepy, but it is when you combine that with Ashley’s odd fashion sense. She looks like a witch leading a gang of two bumbling idiots.

PETA has gone to great lengths to attack the Olsen twins for wearing fur. They have dubbed them The Trollsens and are calling Mary-Kate and Ashley, Hairy Kate and Trashley. They’ve set up both a website and Myspace page for their campaign and they sound pretty sarcastic. From the Myspace,

About me: Hi, we’re Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, and like most trolls, we live under a bridge and wait for furry animals to walk by so we can skin them and wear them as hats. Because we’re celebrities, we don’t have to live by the same rules that ugly people like you do, and if we want to wrap ourselves up in someone else’s skin, or drape our bodies in the rotting remains of someone’s family, we totally can! And boy, do we ever. If you’d like to dress us up yourselves, you can do that here.

Who I’d like to meet: We would like to meet cute, furry animals like chinchillas, foxes, and minks—but not until they’ve been beaten, electrocuted, skinned, and turned into coats.

In Olsen’s defense, synthetic fur will never feel as soft as the fur from genuine electrocuted chinchillas, foxes and minks. Also, saying Mary-Kate and Ashley wait under bridges to capture and skin furry animals for hats is pretty silly. It’s too hot for hats.

Update: According to Celebrity Babylon, the Olsen’s really love their fur.

Lance Armstrong’s ex, Sheryl Crow, voiced her disapproval of Lance and Ashley Olsen’s relationship. When she was asked for her thoughts on the matter,

“Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, ‘That’s pathetic. Ashley’s a kid.’ “

Lance is 36, Ashley is 21, Sheryl is 45. Um, shouldn’t Sheryl spend more time deciding between cremation or burial and less time judging Lance’s decision to bang a 21-year-old? You’d think with death quickly approaching she’d be focused on making the necessary arrangements.

Lance Armstrong, Tory Burch’s ex, was seen at the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night making out with Ashley Olsen.

“They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance Armstrong decided that at 36 years of age it was time to hook up with a 21-year-old. One of the world’s most famous athletes decides that that 21-year-old will be Ashley Olsen. If I were to say something nice about Ashley, it would be that two of her greatest qualities are that she’s breathing and has a vagina. Go Lance?! No more open graves for you, buddy.

Note: Because I can never tell the Olsen twins apart, the banner above may or may not be Ashley Olsen.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen share a telepathic connection. In an interview with Marie-Claire, Ashley Olsen said she and her sister “both carry the weight of each other”. She added,

“Our bond is really beyond words. I know when she’s hurting, I know when she’s going through something. I know when she’s happy – whether I’m with her or not, I know.”

At some point in that quote it went from cute to creepy. You know those girls that watched The Craft in 8th grade and think they too can obtain magical powers. Mary-Kate and Ashley never grew out of that phase. For all we know, they could be sacrificing goats at home and drinking the blood of the innocent or having insane lesbian orgies because that’s what witches do. I saw it in this documentary called Witches and Bitches, which was sort of weird because I didn’t see any female dogs in there.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were at LAX walking around. Mary-Kate showed off her thong in her see-through dress, covering up her face while Ashley was, well, I guess, covering up her face too, but not in a see-through dress. Can these chicks be any more asinine? They can’t dress, they look like witches and if you gave one of them a high five, there’s a good chance you’d break at least six bones in their hand. It’s like their only source of nutrition is from cigarettes and strawberry flavored condoms.