A day before we saw Vanessa Hudgens in her tattered pants, she was out with her dorky boyfriend and Ashley Tisdale in Studio City in a pair of see-through pants. I think she just went to the drape section of Bed, Bath & Beyond and wrapped it around her legs.

Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale and Austin Butler picked up supplies and a Christmas tree on Monday in LA. Though that wasn’t the point of this post. The point is Vanessa wore a pair of ripped up jeans that were too long for her, showed a hint of her red bra and accessorized all that with a purse with a cat o’ nine tails attached to it. That Vanessa Hudgens is really freaky.

I was going to write about Ashley Tisdale too but she’s so boring that I slipped into a coma for 3 hours.

Ashley Tisdale is absolutely plain in every way. You wouldn’t be able to pick her out from a crowd if she was dressed in a monkey suit. Though that all changes when she shows off her hot little body. I’ll never be able to describe her face because it’s more forgettable than a Paul Walker movie but ask me about her stomach and I’ll be able to tell you every detail right down to the circumference of her mole. I’m like a pervy Rain Man.

Everyone and their mother is in Miami, Florida which explains why Julianne Hough and Ashley Tidsale were there. In their bikinis. Riding jet skis. I didn’t even know these two were friends. I guess there’s a lot about Julianne Hough I don’t know. We should get together and talk about it sometime. Maybe over dinner? I make a killer Tombstone pizza.

Ashley Tisdale hit up Malibu for July 4th weekend. She spent time there being boring and plain. The most exciting she did was hoist herself up on Zac Efron’s shoulders.

Geez, I hope he’s not banging her. Going from Vanessa Hudgens to Ashley Tisdale is like going from a Lambo to a shopping cart. It’s a horrible feeling. Just ask Tara Reid.

Allure released their nude issue featuring such celebs as Keri Hilson, Bridget Moynahan, Kaley Cuoco and, um, Ashley Tisdale? Wow. This issue just got about as sexy as your dad in lingerie.

Ashley Tisdale was at the People’s Choice Awards on Wednesday and she looked great and by “looked great” I mean she looked like she rolled around in a bathtub full of bronzer. What the hell is this. She looks like George Hamilton’s bastard child. I bet if you sprayed her with water, she’d start screaming, “I’m melting! I’m meeeelting!”

Avril Lavigne celebrated her 26th birthday at Wet Republic over the weekend and didn’t get into a bikini. Instead, she let Ashley Tisdale handle that. It was a complete catastrophe. Ashley looks so plain and flat. It’s like looking at a girl hitting puberty. I’m more turned on by a pastrami sandwich than this.

Back to Avril. She told PEOPLE at her birthday that she’s really into cooking and can make a mean bruschetta with all the kitchenware she bought from Hot Topic.

“I got some spatulas with skulls on them and some fun stuff for my kitchen,” she said of her birthday gifts.

“I swear to God, my family asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted a serving bowl and all these things for my kitchen. I asked for a stone plate to put in my oven to cook and crazy stuff like that.”

No bikini and talking about food. Ugh. At least Avril gave us a Photoshop worthy picture. You know something sexy is about to be cut and pasted into that hand. Something long and hard. I’m talking about my penis if you haven’t figured it out.

The last time I wrote about Ashley Tisdale was back in July when she got a tattoo. I never followed up with that because I quickly lost interest, but since we’re on the subject, it was of a word starting with “be”. Exciting! It’s now November and I’m only writing about her because she’s in a bikini again. As you can see, this girl is very popular. If this were high school, pigs blood would have been dumped on her only twice.

One of Disney’s lamest stars, Ashley Tisdale, went to Shamrock Tattoo on Saturday to get some ink on her back. Knowing how dull this girl is, she probably got the Chinese character for fire, a butterfly or more likely a book. If you searched for, “What is boring?” in Google, Ashley would be the number one result.

Ashley Tisdale, the much less popular Disney star, hit the pool in a bikini the other day. You can tell the excitement levels are up there with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox in bikinis. One site even wrote, “Hey, is that a Blackberry she’s holding?” You see how they were careful to hide their pure unadulterated joy just then?

I have no idea who Ashley Tisdale is even though I’m positive I posted about her before. I assume she’s in some way involved with Disney. That’s my default assumption for celebrities I’ve never heard of or don’t remember since Disney is the one channel I’m not allowed to watch by court order. Apparently calling in five times a day to shriek, “I LOVE YOU MILEY!” and sending puppies in the mail using 5  – 9 day shipping makes me obsessive and unstable. Oh, now it’s my fault UPS doesn’t know what “fragile” means?

Ashley Tisdale is ugly and no one wants to be with her which is why she likes to live vicariously through Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron.

“I’m a total romantic, I loved watching romantic comedies growing up like ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ and so obviously, like, I just love watching Zac and Vanessa because it is such a sweet and romantic relationship so of course you’re like, ‘aww’ whenever they kiss and everything,” Tisdale gushed to Tarts. “But just watching them on set is really awesome, it’s beautiful.”

Ashley is only 23 so I don’t know why she grew up on the retarded Julia Robert’s movie My Best Friend’s Wedding instead of the equally retarded, older Julia Robert’s movie Pretty Woman. She should be referencing John Hughes films or at least the stupid yet endearing My Girl. Even 10 Things I Hate About You would have sufficed. Anything but a Julia Robert’s romcom. Watching one of those movies is frustrating. You’re just sitting there confused for 90 minutes wondering whether or not they put peanut butter in Julia Robert’s mouth to make it look like she’s talking.