Rumors of Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner’s demise have been greatly exaggerated. Avril and Brody both took to Twitter to deny the split reported by Us Weekly.

Jenner tweeted, “It really upsets me to read all the FALSE!! stories. Avril has always been there for me and is the closest person to my heart. I love her.”

Afterward, Lavigne responded, “luv u 2!!! @BrodyJenner.”

Whew. I was in the fetal position in my shower rocking back and forth in disbelief BroLavigne had ended. “I’ve never cared so much about anything in my life!,” I screamed at my roommate banging on the door because I was making him late for work. Now I can rest easy knowing these two are still together. Crisis. Averted.

Brody Jenner is pressing charges against the five people who attacked him and Avril Lavigne, allegedly smashing a broken bottle on his head. He filed a report for assault with a deadly weapon with police.

According to Us, the incident took place outside of Beacher’s Madhouse at the Roosevelt. A source says Avril got into an argument with another woman. “At first, the girl called Brody something and that set Avril off so she talked s**t back to them.” Brody then got involved.

Observing the tiff, “Brody came over aggressively and got involved,” the first source explains, adding that another man came to defend Lavigne’s sparring partner. “They were scuffling on the floor…Brody was the aggressor and had five guys with him. When they finally got up Brody was bleeding.”

Although many reports say Jenner was struck with a broken bottle, the first source says, “There was no bottle with blood and no bottle broken or anything like that [visible].” Us Magazine

Avril says violence is never the answer. So is not walking away when some jackass starts talking sh*t apparently. Her answer to that is to engage verbally until her high pitched voice sets them off. Sadly, Avril had to find out the hard way what hurts more than words. Fists.

Supposedly, this is what Avril Lavigne’s face looked like after she and her boyfriend Brody Jenner got their asses kicked by 5 people over the weekend.

What the hell attacked her? Five people or a bear? Lucky for her they look like minor scratches. Sort of like the ones you get when you hold a girl down during sex.

On the bright side, she does look pretty punk rock like this. She should get beat up more often.

Avril Lavigne says 5 people jumped her last night and left her a bloody mess. Avril said, “My face is fucked.” Her boyfriend Brody Jenner was smashed in the head with a bottle and left bloody as well when he tried to jump in to break it up.

“I don’t fight. I don’t believe in it. To clear things up I got attacked by 5 people last night out of nowhere. Not cool. My face is f**ked.”

She added, “As in black eye, bloody nose, hair ripped out, scratches, bruises and cuts. So not ok to be abusive to others. Violence is NEVER the answer.” TMZ

Violence is never the answer but sometimes it’s the solution. I could see why someone would want to jump Avril Lavigne though. Remember back when she was with her ex spitting on photogs? Maybe she spat on the wrong person. That’s why I always do a background check before I debase someone. Make sure they don’t fight back. Granted, this could have been unprovoked too. Maybe they just wanted to say hi and got carried away.

Here’s Avril Lavigne at the release party for her fourth album Goodbye Lullaby in NYC where she still dresses like a pop-punk princess. You see, she’s rebellious, edgy and feminine all at the same time. Also, it looks like highlighters exploded in her hair.

In case you missed it, here’s Avril Lavigne with her new Skittles hair in Paris wearing really tight pants. For a while there she was getting a little fat, but today’s good news is that’s not true. Whew. I thought we almost lost another one.

Avril Lavigne is in the February 2011 edition of Vanity Fair Italy. She looks… not bad. Sort of like Meg Ryan/Taylor Swift but better. She’s less mousey and it doesn’t look like a plastic surgeon went to town on her face with a butter knife. Ergo, kind of hot. And isn’t that what’s important in life? How good you look to me?

This was originally supposed to be a sexy post about how hot Avril Lavigne looks in her bra and panties in her music video for “What the Hell”. Then I watched it and holy product placement. The entire beginning was just in your face Sony products. They don’t even make it natural. Everything is front and center. They might as well have bashed you over the head with a Sony CyberShot at the end of the video and told you to buy their products or they’ll rape your family.

Screen caps courtesy of Egotastic.

When people say someone is topless in a magazine, I expect that person to be topless. Not covering their top with their hands or a sheet of cloth but full on pushing their bare chest out like they wanted to get to the front of the line at Space Mountain.

Which is why it’s so frustrating to hear it again for Avril Lavigne about her Maxim cover for the November 2010 issue, her third appearance, only to find out she’s using a hand bra. That’s like saying I’m doing naked squats on a kid’s playground when I’m really just doing them in a pair of disturbingly short daisy dukes. See the difference? According to the judge, one carries a lesser sentence than the other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch83m6_l2uY&feature=player_embedded

Avril Lavigne celebrated her 26th birthday at Wet Republic over the weekend and didn’t get into a bikini. Instead, she let Ashley Tisdale handle that. It was a complete catastrophe. Ashley looks so plain and flat. It’s like looking at a girl hitting puberty. I’m more turned on by a pastrami sandwich than this.

Back to Avril. She told PEOPLE at her birthday that she’s really into cooking and can make a mean bruschetta with all the kitchenware she bought from Hot Topic.

“I got some spatulas with skulls on them and some fun stuff for my kitchen,” she said of her birthday gifts.

“I swear to God, my family asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted a serving bowl and all these things for my kitchen. I asked for a stone plate to put in my oven to cook and crazy stuff like that.”

No bikini and talking about food. Ugh. At least Avril gave us a Photoshop worthy picture. You know something sexy is about to be cut and pasted into that hand. Something long and hard. I’m talking about my penis if you haven’t figured it out.

Avril Lavigne hit up Malibu over the weekend in boy shorts and a bikini top but that’s not the big news. The big news is the ocean thought it’d be funny if it pulled her top down. What an asshole. NSFW pic here.

Being both over-hyped attention whores, you’d think Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne would get along swimmingly. Turns out that’s not the case. Turns out they hate each other. So much so that they had a fight at Chateau Marmont  last week which led to Lindsay trying to get Avril thrown out. Of course, security wouldn’t do that because they couldn’t stop laughing about how Lindsay thought she was still the big star she once was.

“Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi.

“But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’

“Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

Sources tell us that the feud kicked off when Lohan snubbed Lavigne at an event — but sidled up to her acting friendly once Lavigne was sitting with a group at the Chateau Marmont days later.

The source added: “It seemed like she was just being friendly to Avril because she was with people Lindsay wanted to impress. Avril is avoiding going to the Chateau Marmont when she knows Linsday will be there. She doesn’t want any more drama.”

This is how self-absorbed people work. If you have something they want, they’ll be nice to you until they get it. And when they do, they stab you in the back. It’s like my longtime feud with famous soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. I’m tired of him going after all my sloppy seconds. Sheesh. That guy is always pretending to be friends with me.

Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner are getting serious. That or they just don’t like thinking things through. I don’t blame them. Thinking is hard. Gatecrasher says Avril and Brody got matching lightning bolt tattoos at the opening of Mario Barth King Ink. Avril had it done on her forearm, Jenner behind his ear.

One source said, “They held hands openly and were kissing in a corner. Brody didn’t leave Avril’s side all night.” Last weekend, Brody also brought Avril home to meet his mother.

Avril’s ex-troll thing is reportedly happy for her as well. “He thinks Brody is a good guy and that it’s great the two of them are doing well.”

Whatever. Dereck is probably huddled in the corner of his cage right now crying into a bucket of cats (Ben & Jerry’s for trolls).