David Cross once again tells the March issue of Playboy about the time he did coke at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2009 in the same room as President Barack Obama and his Secret Service agents. This time in more detail.

“It was a tiny granule of coke that I put on my wrist and said, ‘Watch this. I need a witness.’ And then I ducked under the table and did it,” Cross said. “It wasn’t like I got high. The jolt was similar to licking an empty espresso cup.”

Cross, who admits to experimenting with a wide range of drugs, including crack cocaine, said his goal at the 2009 event was not to get high.

“It was just about being able to say that I did it, that I did cocaine in the same room as the president,” he said. “I’m not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it.” Fox News

Cross says his only regret was getting his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, “in trouble by association” and making it so that she’ll never be invited to the White House again. Though it could have been worse. He could have asked Obama if he wanted a bump. Take it from me, sharing is caring but asking the president to do coke with you never goes over well.

Here’s Obama munching on a chocolate ice cream bar in his presidential vehicle. Does… does that look like what I think it looks like? I wonder if this is the Kardashians’ preferred ice cream bar.

Conceding to the whackos who believe he wasn’t born in the US, Obama held a press conference this morning to end this “sideshow circus” once and for all by busting out his long form birth certificate. This, of course, means nothing to the crazies who’ll just say “fake” and “I can see the pixels” and “I can tell because I’ve seen a lot of ‘shops in my time.” Speaking of which, Donald Trump felt the need to continue his attention whoring taking credit for making this happen.

“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. … But he should have done it a long time ago.”

Aw, isn’t he precious. He thinks he was the impetus for this. His ego must be magnified by ten. I bet he even has a little toupee ready for when it starts shouting “you’re fired!”

Back in August, British billionaire Alki David promised $1 million in cash to the first person who streaked in front of Obama with his website name written on his chest while shouting “Battlecam.com” six times. It was supposed to be a publicity stunt because no one would be stupid enough to do it, right?

Aw, crap. Someone was. Juan Rodriguez, 24, from New York was arrested on Sunday for pulling off the stunt. Juan said his family needed the money. Now Alki David is backing away slowly clutching his money to his chest like Scrooge McDuck. Alki says he has yet to confirm it.

“It’s still not confirmed,” David, 42, told the Daily News on Monday. “Whether he was in earshot and eyesight of the President is what’s being debated right now.”

There’s also a Pennsylvania law that says a person can’t profit from an illegal act, a law Alki hopes to use. But Tasha Jamerson, spokesman for the DA Seth Williams, says the Son of Sam statute only applies to murder cases.

Then there’s the possible $1 million fine the judge might give Juan. Looks like the real winner here is Philadelphia and us and my pet turtle. Because I fed him just now.

The Lakers and their wives were invited to the White House to meet Barack Obama to celebrate their 2009 NBA championship. Which is how Khloe Kardashian managed to lay her grubby paws on the president. This is surreal. It looks like that scene in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey when those monkeys were staring at the monolith. I’m surprised Khloe didn’t poke him in the eye to check if he was real. What did they talk about? I can’t imagine it was anything of substance. Barack probably tried to discuss foreign policy with Khoe and Khloe responded with “I like cake” and Barack probably rolled his eyes and said, “Yes, Khloe. Cake is delicious.”

What was supposed to be an off the record comment during a CNBC interview, ended up being heard everywhere after an ABC News anchor twittered it. “Pres. Obama just called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ for his outburst at VMAs when Taylor Swift won. Now THAT’S presidential,” wrote Terry Moran.

Just now, the audio recording made its way to the internets. Kanye was unavailable for comment because his caps lock is broken. Listen below.

[See post to listen to audio]

“That son of a bitch baby has my nose!”

[Buzzfeed]

Barack Obama made an appearance on Jay Leno the other night and the only thing interesting to come out of it was during a discussion about the bowling alley in the White House where Obama compared his skills to that of a person in the Special Olympics.

His team quickly released an apology, but a lot of people are still angry over it. But have they ever stopped to consider that maybe Obama does genuinely bowl like a retard? That he flails around uncontrollably before gingerly tossing the ball down the lane and then clapping enthusiastically as each pin is slowly hit? Probably not, but it’d be hilarious if he did.

First, CNN put up and quickly pulled that headline above about the Obamas juggling balls (click through for the larger version). Now “The Love Doctor” on Fox News is talking about Obama and Michelle’s love life and discussing their fisting technique (down below via WWTDD). In a couple of weeks, there’s no doubt going to be an article about the Obamas tossing their first salad in the White House.

Apparently there was this inauguration thing today for our 44th President, Barack Obama. If you’re like me, you missed it because you were staring at Marisa Miller’s tits for an hour and a half. While it should make for an interesting and pretty pathetic story for when people ask what you were doing when our first black president was inaugurated, I suggest you skip the part about sticking crayons in yourself. People get sort of uncomfortable when you mention stuff like that.

CNN and every other media outlet has called it. Barack Obama has earned more than enough votes to pass the 270-vote threshold to defeat John McCain and become the next president of the United States of America. The writing was on the wall when Barack took Ohio and it’s only a matter of time before it becomes official. I’m watching CNN and they… whoa, wait a minute, Obama is black?!

Just kidding. Congrats to Obama. And to John McCain, chin up. You’ll get them next time or something.

Oh and John McCain just conceded. So now it is official.

Sen. Barack Obama’s grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, passed away on Sunday shortly before midnight at the age of 86 after battling with cancer. What makes this news even sadder is that the election was only two days away. Stupid cancer. Why does it have to be like that? I blame the parents.

After the debate yesterday, Barack Obama went to shake John McCain’s hand. McCain wanted none of it and pushed his wife on Obama. Burn! Shortly thereafter, McCain joked, “Here’s the sound of Barack Obama’s wife’s car when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching sound. Double burn!

Per Christin in the comments. They shook and embraced at some point already.

Bonus video because I’m bored. Obama is “that one” under the jump.