Ben Affleck’s sperm has conquered Jennifer Garner’s uterus for the third time. Affleck and Garner announced the news in a one-line statement.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are “thrilled” to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck. — AP

No other details were given but, really, what other details do you need? Do you want to know what position they conceived in or something? You’re a real sicko.

Ben Affleck interviewed Blake Lively for Interview magazine and got a little flirty. But what do you expect. It’s Ben Affleck. Quotes and photos after the jump.

AFFLECK: I always have to remind myself how young you are. You were 3 when Good Will Hunting [1997] came out.

LIVELY: [laughs] Not quite.

AFFLECK: And you’ve never even seen it. That felt good to me.

LIVELY: You were in Good Will Hunting?

AFFLECK: But you have your head on pretty straight. You and I had to do a sex scene on the first day of shooting, and you were very poised and comfortable about it-more mature than some of the crew members.

LIVELY: Well, I have a big family and no one ever treated me like a child. They always treated me like an adult, like an equal. But with acting, I think half of it is just acting confident. We stand on these red carpets and pose in these dresses, but we’re all only so confident. It doesn’t mean we think we’re great looking or anything. It’s all a façade. But the sex scene was really awkward. It was my first day, so thank you for that.

AFFLECK: You’re welcome.

LIVELY: I guess it was good to break the ice. [laughs]

AFFLECK: So before you got to Paris, you were down in New Orleans doing Green Lantern, which is a big Hollywood superhero movie. You’re playing the secretary of the Air Force or something?

LIVELY: Secretary? I own the company! I play a fighter pilot. Are you intimidated now?

AFFLECK: So you’re playing a much older character-a person with a lot of responsibility in regards to airplanes and that kind of stuff.

LIVELY: Did you see Pearl Harbor [2001]? My character has the same kind of position as the lead character in that.

AFFLECK: Well, that was the last question. I didn’t get to some others I wanted to ask you, like, “Which day did you find yourself most impressed by me?”

LIVELY: Or am I happy that you don’t wear cashmere turtlenecks anymore.

AFFLECK: I’m going to introduce you to Jason Bourne so that you’ll be grateful.

LIVELY: I’m already grateful.

AFFLECK: Now stop trolling the Internet looking for pictures of me and critiquing my wardrobe. Before I went to do this interview somebody said, “Blake is a fashion darling.” All of us can’t be fashion darlings, Blake.

LIVELY: Well, people like you make me fashionable, because if there is no wrong there can be no right.

AFFLECK: You’ve gotten so much more bitchy since we wrapped the film.

LIVELY: But I think you have to say that I’m charming at the end of the interview. I think that’s the rule.

AFFLECK: You’re very charming.

I’m just surprised Ben didn’t have a bottle of Jack in one hand and wasn’t patting his leg with the other motioning for Blake to sit on his lap during this thing. Did he have the flu or something?

If you thought being on Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP mailing list was bad, wait until she starts writing you personal letters like she does to the married Ben Affleck. Paltrow’s been sending him notes and gifts for births and other major celebrations. Jennifer Garner hates it, but doesn’t say anything because she’s Ben’s friend. Jennifer Garner is very tolerant.

“Ben and Jen got one of Gwyneth’s famous notes this year just after Seraphina was born,” says the insider. “It was very nice, but it was a little too personal. Gwyneth made sure to mention how she was happy that Ben was finally creating the family he had always wanted, a family, which the two of them discussed in depth when they were dating. It just rubs Jen the wrong way.”

Gwyneth Paltrow is so grating even in her writing. Maybe it’s the fact that she doesn’t convey tone very well or maybe it’s the fact that she conveys tone very well. Reading anything she writes feels uncomfortable. Kind of like watching a parent beat their child in front of you and being told to mind your own business when you tell them, “I don’t think kids are supposed to go limp like that.”

Pictures of Jennifer Garner on the set of Valentine’s Day because I’d much rather look at her than Ben Affleck or Gwyneth Paltrow.

Kudos to Film Drunk for finding this clip of Ben Affleck in this episode of Lifestories: Families in Crisis where he plays Aaron Henry, a steroid abuser. You kids should learn from Ben and not take performance enhancers. Not only will you be thrown into an uncontrollable rage which causes you to punch out a girl, but you will also then punch a hole through the wall, break a chair, dislocate your shoulder, have over dramatic flashbacks of yourself during football practice and be plagued by an inability to act for the rest of you life.

Star Magazine is great. Most of their stories don’t pan out and sometimes aren’t even remotely accurate, but they don’t care, they keep trudging along. Today’s story from Star says Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have hired a sex counselor.

The 37-year-old actress has been spotted several times in recent weeks with noted author and therapist Dr. Holly Hein.

“Jennifer has had some ups and downs with Ben, and she likes to check in with Dr. Hein once in a while,” says a source.

They talk tips on keeping the romance alive and dealing with Ben’s need for attention.

“Ben’s great, but he can be very insecure. He likes Jen to play the devoted wife all the time,” the source explains.

Poor Ben. Not only does he suck in movies, but he also sucks in bed. He should try my patented bedroom move. It’s called “crying in the fetal position” and it’s done exactly how it sounds. You perform it before, during and after sex.

Everyone has been waiting with baited breath to hear what Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck named their second kid (not really). People bet that it was going to be either lame or stupid. Turns out, Garner and Affleck went with the latter. The new kid’s name is Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. Which is great. All people should have three first names.

According to one website specializing in names, Seraphina may have been “derived from the Biblical word ‘seraphim,’ which was Hebrew in origina and meant ‘fiery one.’” According to another website, Seraphina may be derived from the Patron Saint of retarded people. And yet another website who knows nothing about names, says it’s derived from that stripper who gave them a handjob last Saturday. By the way, that last website was mine if you couldn’t figure it out.

Jennifer Garner popped out another baby girl Tuesday afternoon. This is her and husband Ben Affleck’s second daughter. Their first, Violet, was born in December 2005. No further information was given, but considering what they named their first daughter, history dictates this one will be named either Hot Pink, Fuschia or Katy. Also, no word on whether or not she was born with an extra appendage or a tail but the general consensus is that it would be pretty freakin’ sweet if she was.

Victor Garber, Jennifer Garner’s co-star on Alias, accidentally let slip that Jennifer is pregnant for the second time. Us Weekly reports:

“Yes, she is,” Garber, who currently stars on ABC’s Eli Stone, told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.

A source adds, “She is five months pregnant. They are very happy.”

A while ago, before the pregnancy rumors, people were speculating these two were on the verge of a break up, citing that they haven’t been pictured together for a while. This sort of kills that rumor. Unless Ben does what I do: changes his identity, grows a mustache, moves across state lines and kills a hooker. Wait, scratch that last part. That’s not really necessary. …Or is it?

Ted Casablanca at E! claims that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are about to divorce. Much like Madonna and Guy, the two have rarely been seen together. When asked, Affleck’s rep retorted:

“We usually don’t comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won’t post that item. It’s all BS.”

These guys are really boring, but Jennifer Garner is pretty enough. Especially when she wears those sunglasses that make her look like she’s about to go snowboarding. Whoosh, whoosh, wheee down the street she goes.

Ben Affleck and his gigantic head were at the OneXOne gala Saturday in Calgary. The gift room really went all out this year providing celebrities with their choice of tiny African schoolchildren.

Even though Ben Affleck is now a successful actor with films like Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl and Pearl Harbor under his belt, his life wasn’t always filled with so much promise. In an interview with Parade, Ben talks about the worst months of his life.

“I went to the University of Vermont because I had a kind of unrequited love for this high school girlfriend. She wasn’t even at the University but at another school nearby. But I thought if I went to a school near her, just maybe…I was really remedial about girls in so many ways. Interestingly, there are some parallels for things to come in my life.”

“Two weeks after I got there, I called her room,” he continues, “and some guy answered the phone! ‘Who is this guy?’ ‘He’s helping me study,’ she says. Sure.”

“Then, when I was playing an intramural basketball game, I fractured my hip. I was miserable,” he recalls. “I was now on crutches in the coldest university in America, living in the dorm farthest from the main campus, and I didn’t know a soul, nobody! I ate by myself in the cafeteria, and my girlfriend had a strange guy answering her phone! You laugh now, but I couldn’t even sit down in the cafeteria. I had to kind of lean over to eat. Things were quickly going sideways for me. It was the worst two and a half months of my life! I had to get away!”

“It was Thanksgiving,” he continues. “Obviously, things weren’t panning out. I hadn’t been to Spanish class in five weeks. I didn’t have a car. I called Matt. ‘You’ve got to pick me up! I can’t walk that well. Come and get me now!’ Matt was there in six hours. That was the last I ever saw of the University of Vermont. I never went back. I don’t think I have any credits. It was not money well spent.”

Cry, cry you little bitch. Seriously though. How many times has a college kid broken their hip? Ben is like some retard who can’t catch a break (har har). I should actually be pissed at Matt. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had to sit through these piles of crap Affleck calls film. I could run toilet paper I wiped my ass with through a projector and it would be better than any recent Affleck film. I can see it now in Variety, “Turd stained tp bests Ben at Box Office, Affleck demands recount.”

Ben Affleck lost his virginity again when he underwent colonic irrigation. Colonic irrigation is where they push warm water through your intestines to flush out all the, um, excrement.

I lost my virginity all over again that day, in so many ways. I don’t think I will be having it done again.

Looks like this wins for best Valentine’s Day story. I don’t think anyone’s ho-hum romantic candlelit dinner experience could top a colon cleaning. This could also make the perfect Valentine’s gift. But if you can’t afford it, get them the colonic irrigation alternative, an enema. Honestly, I’m puzzled as to why people don’t come to me for gift ideas more often.

Here’s the video of Ben Affleck molesting some television host on tv in 2004. This was supposed to be an interview about Jersey Girl, but he shows up drunk and horny. Obviously I’ve been doing something wrong if all that a woman needs is for me to get wasted, get her to sit on my lap, grope her breasts and tell her they are suspiciously firm all while talking in a French accent.