I totally forgot Holly Madison was dating Benji Madden. And for good reason. They’re boring and Holly doesn’t even show her breasts anymore unless you pay her $80 so Holly wanting to move in with Benji isn’t that big of a shock. A source said:

“Benji cares very much for Holly. They have been talking about living together.”

Benji may be looking to settle down with Holly, as he recently revealed he is worried he is getting old.

The guitarist said he can never trust college students because of the way they look and talk, but realises his statement makes him sound like a grumpy old man.

He tweeted: “College kids with their big words and their sandals and their funny hair. I don’t trust ‘em (sic).”

He then wrote: “Last tweet=sure sign that I’m getting old. FVCK (sic).”

Wait, did Benji Madden of Good Charlotte just comment on how college kids dress? That’s ironic considering Benji still dresses like a loner goth kid from high school. I’d sooner trust a hitchhiker standing in the middle of the road carrying an axe and a severed head than Benji Madden.

I’ve only heard about this in story books. I didn’t think a hot model bookended by two d-bags was a real phenomenon.

One day. That’s how long it took for Katy Perry to issue a denial about sexing Benji Madden. That’s 23 hours too long. When rumors spread of you dating a Madden brother, you want to get on top of that right away. It’s like gangrene. Got to cut it off at the source. Katy wrote on her Tumblr:

oh kittens! It’s two pseudo famous people sitting next to each other… doesn’t mean we were bumping uglies! You know I don’t just do that with anyone! That’s just how the media works, as you can tell. I was there celebrating a really fun show and a boozy valentines with all my good friends. We were like a group of 25! Benji is a nice young fellow, but my heart really belongs to kitty purry/markus molinari. Hope your vagina day was as FUN as mine. Definitely not too heart breaking :) Guess what? I’m in Monte Carlo/Monaco, France right now. Oh shayth do I have frequent flyer milez for days… I wonder if you can cash in frequent flyer miles for a boyfriend rather than just dinners and gift certificates for starbucks? ”How many miles for brad pitt, pls?” Europe you ready for some hello katy?!? YAYAYAYAYGO GO GO GO GO!

I know all too well about having viscious rumors spread about you. Some people alleged I was dating Megan Fox. I’ll have you know, I’m not dating her, I’m only sleeping with her. Get your facts straight people.

Katy Perry and Benji Madden were both spotted at LAVO at The Palazzo on Valentine’s day getting cozy with each other. Sources say the two “dominated LAVO’s VIP section on the dance floor” and they “sat together and chatted closely.”

“Katy grabbed the microphone and addressed the crowd, telling all “Screw boys, we got girls!” as her hit “I Kissed a Girl” began to play in the background. Despite her instructions to the club goers, Katy clearly only had eyes for Benji.”

Benji could hump a rattlesnake and it’d be a step up from Paris Hilton. Jumping from Paris to Katy is like winning the Super Bowl when just last year you were surviving off of cat pee.

I’m not sure how credible these reports are though. I could put my hands all over girls at clubs too, but that doesn’t mean we’re together. It just means security hasn’t caught me yet.

According to Popcrunch, Britney hates her life enough to date Paris Hilton’s ex, Benji Madden. In Touch reports that they’ve been secretly seeing each other and were spotted once at The Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. If you’re wondering how these two yahoos met, credit Britney’s dad, Jamie. He made up a list of acceptable boyfriends for Britney which included: Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalf and that goofy bastard, Michael Phelps. Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph, called everyone to set up a date, but the only one interested was Benji. Because anything is a step up from Paris Hilton. At this point he’d be happy with a walrus with lipstick.

Larry isn’t just helping to break Britney’s imposed dry spell though. He’s hoping to use her new relationship to promote her album and upcoming tour. He’s a forward thinker, he is. In Touch says “he plans to make a big, splashy announcement to help publicize her upcoming tour.” In other words, expect to see Britney spiral into madness yet again after this relationship fails next month. Her new managers can’t be good for her hair.

Paris Hilton phoned into Ryan Seacrest and spewed some garbage about how she and Benji are on a break. She said “he is an incredible person” and hinted that there’s a possibility they may get back together and blah blah blah. I’m amazed at how little I care about this. I’d rather smash watermelons with my head than listen to Paris talk about her life. I think from now on, whenever Paris opens her mouth, it should be legal to stuff a sweaty sock or, like, an angry, diseased kitten in there. Whichever one is more easily accessible.

Star Magazine surprisingly beat everybody to the punch by reporting that Benji Madden, the other Good Charlotte, and Paris Hilton broke up and proved that if you throw enough darts blindfolded at a dartboard, you’re bound to hit a bulls-eye. A rep for Paris confirmed the dissolution of their sham relationship to Us.

“Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends.”

And of course, none of this was Paris Hilton’s fault. It was all Benji’s. A source explains:

“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”

Whoa there. Before Benji, Paris Hilton was the town whore who partied 24/7 and didn’t give a shit about anyone else. After settling down with Benji, she became somewhat respectable and even a little respected. Now she wants to go back to what everyone ridiculed her for? Makes sense, I guess. Why be better when you can stay the same. Aim low and never be disappointed, I say.

The source stresses nothing went on between Paris and Stavros and that the she and Benji were always faithful to each other. The source then whispered, “BJ’s and hand jobs don’t count as cheating, right?”

[Image via Splash News]

Paris Hilton, realizing her best friend Nicole Richie has beat her to the punch many times this past year, told PEOPLE that she wants a piece of that publicity pie to marry Benji Madden.

“He wants to [get hitched],” she told PEOPLE Thursday night at London’s Nobu, where she showed up for a late-night snack with Madden and her parents. “We talk about it.”

“I’d wear a beautiful white dress,” she said dreamily, “probably Dolce & Gabbana.”

I hope everything goes wrong for this whore’s wedding. I would be forever grateful to the gods if Paris spills wine on her dress five minutes before and a bunch of minorities show up unannounced because something tells me she doesn’t have a high regard for them.

Benji Madden ran over a paparazzo’s foot last night as he and Paris Hilton were leaving the Foxtail nightclub. In the video, photographers can be seen surrounding Benji’s car when all of a sudden a womanly scream pierced the night air. Benji checked out the damage, concluded his wheel was just fine and drove off. The photog went to the L.A. Sheriff’s Department to file a hit and run report.

It’ll be shocking if the sheriff did anything but laugh at him. He should stop being a baby. The car wasn’t even going fast and he still stood in front of it. In fact, it’s hard to tell if the car is even moving. Maybe a fat guy just stepped on his foot and he thought it was the car because he’s a pansy. Nevertheless, the concern from his fellow paparazzi was touching. “Don’t worry about him. Don’t worry about him.”

Paris Involved in Another Hit and Run [TMZ]

A couple more pictures of Paris Hilton eating the floor have popped up. You can tell how much Benji Madden cares for her as he attempts to boot her in the face until he realizes the paparazzi are around. He decided against it and instead, he dragged her lifeless carcass outside. What a gentleman.

A bunch of people are hoping there’s video of this, but so far, nothing. Although, the real travesty here isn’t the lack of footage, it’s that Paris’ face didn’t reach terminal velocity before hitting the ground. Screw you physics!

You might see Benji and Joel Madden from Good Charlotte hanging around high schools more often because their hobbies include hooking up with underage children. The New York Post said Joel started “romancing” Hilary Duff when she was only 16 and now Benji is dating some movie producer’s daughter who’s only 17.

These two sound pretty sleazy and their music makes me wish I was deaf. I can only advise them to stay away from jail bait because I don’t know a lot of high school girls who go for the shrapnel exploded in my face look. Kindergarten boys on the other hand. They think that’s cool.