Blue Ivy Carter isn’t even two weeks old yet and Beyonce and Jay-Z are already spoiling her rotten. They’ve already spent over $1.5 million in toys and equipment for the kid. What have they bought to ensure every other kid in the world will hate her with a passion?

- A $15,000 Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen
- A Fantasy ‘posh tots’ coach carriage crib for $22,000
- A $600,000 solid gold handmade Ginza Tanaka rocking horse
- A $30,000 magical windmill playhouse and mini-Bugatti
- $350,000 ensuring the nurseries in their three homes are identical
- A wardrobe of one-off designer clothes that the kid will outgrow in a year

This kid is going to be such an entitled princess but loved by all. At school, she’ll be all like, “Hey, guys. Let’s take a ride in my mini-Bugatti to my solid gold rocking horse located in my magical windmill house.” Meanwhile, little Timmy listening within earshot, rocking on his homemade rocking horse, will be all like, “Aww, f**k you!”

In honor of Blue Ivy’s birth, Jay-Z dropped a new single titled “Glory” where he reveals that before there was Blue Ivy, there was a miscarriage. Jay-Z rapped, “Last time the miscarriage was so tragic/We was afraid you’d disappear/But nah baby you magic.”

The track, produced by Pharrell, also features Blue Ivy crying at the end. Most likely after seeing Jay-Z for the first time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=UWVtqESRT2Y

Beyoncé gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Saturday in New York. “The most beautiful girl in the world,” Beyoncé’s sister, Solange Knowles, Tweeted Sunday morning.

This is good news for everyone especially Beyonce because now she won’t have to wear that enhanced baby bump anymore and worry about it folding in on itself. I’m told that is the #1 cause for concern among expectant celebrity mothers.

And if you’re wondering, yes, this baby has a dumb name like half of all the other celebrity babies out there. Sources tell E! they named her Blue Ivy Carter.

Beyoncé apparently names her babies by combining her favorite color and favorite plant. It’s sort of like figuring out what your pornstar name would be by combining the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

Reports last week said staff at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital were gearing up for a big VIP who booked half the floor of the hospital’s luxury Labor and Delivery Suite. The assumption was it was Beyonce but there was always some doubt because she didn’t make a big spectacle about it like turning her hospital bed towards an open window so the whole world could see the baby come out of her.

Looks like our doubts were not unfounded because NYDN says Beyonce and Jay-Z had a quiet New Year’s Eve dinner at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn and Beyonce still had her enhanced baby bump. Solange, feeling a little left out, tweeted a confirmation, “Shout out to my sister for being THE cutest pregnant woman ever!” If she thinks that, then, clearly, Solange has been locked in the basement a little too long.

Rumors are flying that security at the New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital is on high alert and that Beyonce is the celebrity VIP that booked half the floor of the hospital’s luxury Labor and Delivery Suite. That would be the exact suite Alicia Keys used to deliver her baby.

No confirmation on whether or not the celebrity VIP is actually Beyonce but you’d think it wouldn’t be considering how she isn’t making a big deal about it. I would have expected her to fling open her hospital room windows and wave to the people like Evita while the doctor shoves a speculum in her.

In more baby news, Beyonce’s baby is due in December, not in February as previously believed so this fake pregnancy is moving along faster than expected. When Beyonce pointed at her baby bump and said, “Hey, everyone, look at me,” at the Video Music Awards, people assumed she was three months pregnant.

Not true. Newly unearthed behind-the-scenes footage from her “Countdown” music video shoot reveals she’s much further along. Apparently they were off by a couple of months which explains the dramatic baby bump. Still, no one is sure why her belly folded in on itself though. The clip shows Beyonce holding up the New York Daily News which featured herself pregnant on the cover.

Mocking the caption, Bey rubs her belly and says, “Hello, it’s Sept. 23. Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! This was on the cover of the Daily News. Right now I’m actually shooting the video for ‘Countdown’ and I’m six months pregnant, pretending that my stomach is flat in body suits. But thank god you can’t really tell from the front, but when I turn to the side … oh baby! Oh baby!” Boom Box

Wait. She was holding the paper up against a blank backdrop. Did she get captured by terrorists or something? The only thing this video is missing is two masked men holding machetes behind her. I suspect this looks exactly like all the videos Jay-Z forces her to make to tell her parents she’s alright.

Beyonce’s music video for Dance for You was released the day after Thanksgiving and from what I can gather, Beyonce wants you to watch her pop, pop, pop pop pop it for you, baby. Fantastic. The video is around 5 minutes of Beyonce gyrating in front of the camera and then enlisting a group of other girls to dry off their vaginas in front of a row of fans. Presumably because they’re so moist. Is this a female hygiene commercial or a music video?

No one ever told Kelly Rowland loose lips sink ships or careers because she casually revealed the sex of Beyonce’s baby in an interview with Bang Showbiz. There goes that 10 page spread in PEOPLE Beyonce was planning.

While talking about what to get her BFF for her first baby shower, Rowland said, “I have no idea what I’m going to buy Beyonce at the baby shower because Jay is going to buy that little girl every single thing possible. She won’t be spoiled but she will be very well looked-after.” The Insider

Aw, crap. This is going to piss Beyonce off. Just wait a few days and we’re going to hear about how Beyonce beat Kelly half to death with her fake baby bump.

Beyonce finally addressed the clip of her belly folding in on itself during Sunday Night HD that sparked rumors that she wore a fake bump to make her belly more pronounced. Her publicist tells ABC that the prosthetic belly reports are “stupid, ridiculous and false.”

Granted, Beyonce didn’t really explain why her belly crumpled (loose clothes + trick of light?). Maybe she has one of those collapsible fetuses you can buy from Sky Mall.

Remember those rumors that Beyonce faked her baby bump at the MTV VMAs so her pregnancy announcement would make more of an impact? There might be some truth to those rumors.

Beyonce appeared on last night’s Sunday Night HD wearing what many believe was a fake baby bump. Note when Beyonce goes to sit down how her baby bump seemingly collapses in on itself and pops back into shape.

I’m no baby doctor but I’m pretty sure fetuses aren’t supposed to do that. Unless she’s giving birth to the world’s greatest contortionist. Needless to say, this may be just the proof the conspiracy theorists who think she’s wearing a prosthetic while her surrogate carries her baby to term needed.

Once again, people are accusing Beyonce of stealing choreography. This time for her epileptic dance number in her just released video “Countdown,” the point of which is to count down from 10. It’s part The Count from Sesame Street, part music I don’t want to listen to.

Beyonce is accused of stealing from Belgian contemporary choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker. Someone even made a comparison video of similar dance sequences. I don’t have to tell you, in the cutthroat world of choreographed music video dance, this is serious business.

This isn’t the first time Beyonce has been caught copying either. People have noted “Single Ladies” and a Billboard awards performance seemed largely “inspired” by other choreographers.

Clearly there’s only one way to settle this. A dance-off. It goes without saying that this will take place in a vat of Jell-O. Winner gets to claim ownership of the choreography. Loser loses their top. Rawr.

Getting parenting advice from Britney Spears is like getting sober living advice from Lindsay Lohan. But MTV News asked Britney and, surprisingly enough, her advice wasn’t “more kids mean more free birthday dinners at Red Robin.”

Offering up her best piece of motherly advice, she tells MTV News, “Just embrace it (motherhood) fully… Do whatever you want to do.

“If you want to take two or three years off… because, you know, they (kids) grow so fast; it happens so fast. Just treasure the moments.” — MTV News via StarPulse

Missing was her telling Beyonce to shave her head and attack the paparazzi with an umbrella. It’s like she wants to have a monopoly on all the embarrassing celebrity parent stories peers will find out about and make fun of her kids for. That’s just not fair.

Congratulations, Jay-Z, you’re going to be a father. Un-congratulations, Beyonce, I forgot to add “again” to that sentence.

According to Star, Jay-Z had a secret son with Trinidadian model Shanelle Scott nine years ago. Shanelle’s ex-boyfriend, Malik Sayeed, thought the kid was his at first. That is until after she popped out a baby camel. That’s when DNA tests supposedly proved the kid is Jay-Z’s.

“Malik threw [Shenelle] a baby shower and bought all this stuff to prepare for the arrival,” the source said. “However, after the baby was born, friends and family told him he needed to get a DNA test.

“Everyone knew she was sleeping around and sleeping with Jay,” the source said. “There was a good chance it was his.” — Radar

Jay-Z reportedly paid Shanelle $1 million to keep her mouth shut. Shanelle used the money to buy a house in Trinidad and now lives off of Jay-Z’s child support checks. How does Beyonce feel about this?

A source told Star that while Beyonce was initially livid about the secret son, she’s stood by her husband. The boy closely resembles the 99 Problems singer, who’s reportedly paying Shenelle child support.

Beyonce was probably angrier about having to share publicity with this kid than the fact Jay-Z had a bastard son. Beyonce’s fetus probably felt the same way and snapped its fingers in its amniotic fluid and gurgled “oh, no you di’nt,” when it heard the news.