Beyoncé gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Saturday in New York. “The most beautiful girl in the world,” Beyoncé’s sister, Solange Knowles, Tweeted Sunday morning.

This is good news for everyone especially Beyonce because now she won’t have to wear that enhanced baby bump anymore and worry about it folding in on itself. I’m told that is the #1 cause for concern among expectant celebrity mothers.

And if you’re wondering, yes, this baby has a dumb name like half of all the other celebrity babies out there. Sources tell E! they named her Blue Ivy Carter.

Beyoncé apparently names her babies by combining her favorite color and favorite plant. It’s sort of like figuring out what your pornstar name would be by combining the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

Rumors are flying that security at the New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital is on high alert and that Beyonce is the celebrity VIP that booked half the floor of the hospital’s luxury Labor and Delivery Suite. That would be the exact suite Alicia Keys used to deliver her baby.

No confirmation on whether or not the celebrity VIP is actually Beyonce but you’d think it wouldn’t be considering how she isn’t making a big deal about it. I would have expected her to fling open her hospital room windows and wave to the people like Evita while the doctor shoves a speculum in her.

Evangeline Lilly, who’ll play an elf in The Hobbit, opted for a natural birth in her own home when she delivered her son last May. She must be a sadomasochist because it lasted 30 hours and 8 of them was just her pushing.

“I actually skipped the hospital … We decided to have the baby at home because we wanted it to be a natural birth, and it turns out that it was 30 hours of natural,” the Real Steel star, 32, explained during a Monday appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

“Eight hours of pushing, that’s the part that men don’t understand. Women go, ‘Oh, dear, oh, dear God, eight hours of pushing?’ And the men are like, ‘Okay, eight hours of pushing.’”

“After about five hours of pushing, my midwife and my birthing assistant said, ‘You know, we have a few suggestions,’” she says. “And I was like, ‘Really? After five hours of pushing you have a few suggestions? You couldn’t have told me five minutes in?’” PEOPLE

Women always say men will never understand what they go through during childbirth. I respectfully disagree. 8 hours of pushing? Clearly they never ate at the Indian restaurant by me.

Bones star Emily Deschanel, sister of Zooey “I’ve acted annoyingly quirky in every role I’ve ever had” Deschanel, gave birth on Wednesday to a boy named Henry Hornsby. Emily maintained a vegan diet throughout her pregnancy. Which must suck. For that kid’s future friends. Now they’re going to have to hear, “Well… I’VE been a vegan my entire life. Literally. Since I was a fetus!” Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

January Jones got pregnant during the filming of X-Men: First Class and today she’s finally given birth to the little bastard. I use that term lovingly. Sort of. She named the kid Xander Dane Jones.

January Jones gave birth to a baby boy named Xander Dane Jones on Tuesday, her rep tells Us Weekly.

“Mom and baby are doing great,” the rep says.

Just once I’d like Us or PEOPLE to write “Mom and baby are doing terribly” because you know “Mom and baby are doing great” is pretty much a given every the time. I’m just saying we should mix things up a little and not be so predictable.

Kimberly Stewart, daughter of Rod Stewart, popped out a baby girl on Sunday in LA. Benicio del Toro is confirmed to be the father.

“Benicio is the father and very supportive,” the 44-year-old actor’s rep told Us. “Although [he and Kimberly] are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby.” — Us

Kimberly and Benicio probably did it in the elevator or something. The point being, it’s going to be a real romantic story when that kid asks Kimberly how she and her father met.

The bad news is Jessica Alba was pregnant causing her to balloon to an ungodly weight (almost to that of an average American woman!!) that not even I could masturbate to. The good news is she gave birth over the weekend.

What popped out was a 7lbs, 19 inch long baby girl named Haven Garner Warren. She announced the happy news on Facebook.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Even better news is she’s going to be working out every day to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight and her boobs will be swollen for a while. Hopefully I can make due with what little consolation that brings me.

Both Victoria Beckham and Kate Hudson gave birth over the weekend.

Victoria and David Beckham named their daughter, who was born Sunday morning in LA, Harper Seven Beckham. She follows her siblings Vanity Six Beckham and Marie Five Beckham. No, just kidding. Her brothers are Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz but what a dumb middle name anyway. The only reason you should name your kid after a number is if you’re going to have trouble remembering like OctoMom.

Meanwhile, Kate Hudson gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Saturday in LA. Kate had a hunch she was having a girl when she scientifically put a pendulum over her belly and noted if it swung back and forth or in a circle. Turns out science screwed her over as her new son will be joining her 7.5 year old, Ryder Russell. There’s no name yet but because since she’s so logical, she probably wrote a bunch of letters on a piece of paper, put them in a hat and named him with five letters she picked out.

Ryan Phillippe became a dad for the third time last Friday when his ex-girlfriend Alexis Knapp gave birth to a baby girl. Sources say Ryan plans to take a paternity test to see if the kid is really his.

Explains the source of Phillippe’s presence during the birth: “He is a good father, and whether this is his baby or not, he wants to do the right thing and be supportive.”

As for So Undercover actress Knapp, “she has never asked Ryan for any help, nor does she expect it,” her rep told Us

Oh, whatever. She’s expecting help. Most likely $5,000 a month worth of it.

Natalie Portman’s first baby (boy?) pirouetted from her uterus on Tuesday, reports PEOPLE.

Natlie and fiance Benjamin Millepied haven’t released his name (or any other details) but expect it not to matter because he’ll just change it anyway when he gets into the business. Right, Natalie Hershlag?

Jennifer Connelly used to be so hot. This was mostly because of her huge breasts and her role in Requiem For a Dream (ass to ass). Now she’s 40 and a mother to three with Paul Bettany.

Her third kid popped out May 31 at their home via a scheduled home water birth in a birthing pool. Oh good. So she’s crazy, too.

“Everyone is healthy and doing well,” Connelly’s rep tells Us. “The family is very excited.”

Great. Now how am I going to yell “ass to ass” at her in front of her three kids and high five my friends without looking like a complete douche. Two kids I can do but three? That’s where I draw the line.

Pink has been waddling around for a while so it’s about damn time she gave birth. The 31-year-old popped out a daughter, Willow Sage Hart, on Thursday in LA.

She announced via Twitter, “We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy [Carey Hart]. #beyondblessed”

It seemed like just yesterday Pink was doing acrobatics on stage at awards shows. Now she has a daughter with the hippiest name ever. Willow Sage Hart. If this kid doesn’t live on a commune and have her armpit hair braided by the time she’s 18, I’ll be shocked.

Alicia Silverstone, who’s best known for, actually, really only known for Clueless, gave brith to her first child on Thursday, May 5, her rep tells PEOPLE. She named him Bear Blu Jarecki because celebrities love making their kid’s lives a living hell.

Son Bear Blu Jarecki arrived at 7:50 a.m. and weighed in at 7 lbs., 15 oz.

“We are all three in love!” the actress blogged soon after the announcement. “I’m so grateful to this community for all the love, support, good wishes and happy vibes you’ve sent me during my pregnancy … it has been wonderful. Thank you all!”

Bear Blu Jarecki. Really. Way to doom your child into a life of getting his ass kicked. She might as well make him sleep in a locker instead of crib so he’ll be used to it by the time he starts school.