Alessandra Ambrosio needs to stop getting pregnant. Hopefully this will be her last kid for a while. According to her Facebook, Alessandra gave birth to a boy named Noah Phoenix Mazur who’ll join his genetically gifted sister Anja Louise.

She wrote, “Well, the day just arrived and we couldn’t be more happy!!! Noah Phoenix was born yesterday afternoon and already stole our hearts. Anja is a proud big sister now and we are so thankful he is with us…”

Her fiance Jamie Mazur tweeted, “Welcome my son, can’t wait to show u around this crazy place.” He didn’t add, “There’s going to be so many models for you to bang.”

After a two year pregnancy, Jessica Simpson finally pushed out that parasite that’s been feeding off her body. It came out in the form of a screaming 9 pound 13 ounce baby girl named Maxwell Drew Johnson. A pretty lame name. I was hoping she’d name her Macmallan Single Malt Johnson. Alas, it was not to be. Jessica and Eric used Drew because it’s Jessica’s mother’s maiden name.

Jessica wrote on her website, “We are so grateful for all of the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives.”

Two years ago, Mike Comrie gave Hilary Duff a $1 million engagement ring. She was so happy she promptly blew him on a balcony. Many bj’s later in August 2011, Hilary Duff announced she was mouth pregnant. And also real pregnant.

Yesterday, she tweeted that she finally popped that kid out. “Welcome to the World Luca Cruz Comrie! Tuesday evening, we became proud parents of a healthy 7 pound 6 ounce beautiful boy,” she wrote.

It’s about time. Looking at her was really starting to freak me out. She looked like a damn Emperor Penguin.

Two and a half years ago, Jeremy Sisto and Addie Lane welcomed a daughter into this world. A daughter they named Charlie-Ballerina. Why was I not informed of this! C’mon, you guys. At least I’m here for the naming of his second kid.

On March 14, Jeremy and Addie gave birth to a health baby boy. He tweeted, “Don’t tell my wife I had two glasses of wine while she had an epidural.” But what did he name him?! That’s what everyone wanted to know.

Well, Jeremy came through and today he tweeted the name of his little boy. Bastian Kick Sisto. This is amazing!

How did they come up with this name? Probably the same way they came up with Charlie-Ballerina. “My wife went through the dictionary, page by page, looking for words that weren’t normally names.” While smoking some fantastic weed, right?

The good news is they’ll be able to explain that his name is Kick because they went through the dictionary page by page instead of telling him his name is Kick because that’s what Jeremy wanted to do to Addie while she was pregnant with him.

Sidenote: Not to state the obvious or anything but I think Jeremy and Addie missed out on an even better name. Johnny Karate.

I kept forgetting Jennfer Garner was pregnant again but it doesn’t matter anymore because she just gave birth. A source tells Us that Jennifer popped out her third kid, a baby boy (as opposed to an adult boy), in Santa Monica. As for his name, don’t look to Jennifer’s daughters for any suggestions. They’re pretty much useless.

“[They suggested] Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse Affleck,” Garner joked. “And then they moved on…[to] Peter Pan, Captain Hook, Smee.” Us Weekly

Luckily, those kids weren’t big fans of Lady and the Tramp. But, kids, amirite? Sometimes you just want to yell at them, “That’s stupid! Stop being so stupid!”

Beyoncé gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Saturday in New York. “The most beautiful girl in the world,” Beyoncé’s sister, Solange Knowles, Tweeted Sunday morning.

This is good news for everyone especially Beyonce because now she won’t have to wear that enhanced baby bump anymore and worry about it folding in on itself. I’m told that is the #1 cause for concern among expectant celebrity mothers.

And if you’re wondering, yes, this baby has a dumb name like half of all the other celebrity babies out there. Sources tell E! they named her Blue Ivy Carter.

Beyoncé apparently names her babies by combining her favorite color and favorite plant. It’s sort of like figuring out what your pornstar name would be by combining the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

Rumors are flying that security at the New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital is on high alert and that Beyonce is the celebrity VIP that booked half the floor of the hospital’s luxury Labor and Delivery Suite. That would be the exact suite Alicia Keys used to deliver her baby.

No confirmation on whether or not the celebrity VIP is actually Beyonce but you’d think it wouldn’t be considering how she isn’t making a big deal about it. I would have expected her to fling open her hospital room windows and wave to the people like Evita while the doctor shoves a speculum in her.

Evangeline Lilly, who’ll play an elf in The Hobbit, opted for a natural birth in her own home when she delivered her son last May. She must be a sadomasochist because it lasted 30 hours and 8 of them was just her pushing.

“I actually skipped the hospital … We decided to have the baby at home because we wanted it to be a natural birth, and it turns out that it was 30 hours of natural,” the Real Steel star, 32, explained during a Monday appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

“Eight hours of pushing, that’s the part that men don’t understand. Women go, ‘Oh, dear, oh, dear God, eight hours of pushing?’ And the men are like, ‘Okay, eight hours of pushing.’”

“After about five hours of pushing, my midwife and my birthing assistant said, ‘You know, we have a few suggestions,’” she says. “And I was like, ‘Really? After five hours of pushing you have a few suggestions? You couldn’t have told me five minutes in?’” PEOPLE

Women always say men will never understand what they go through during childbirth. I respectfully disagree. 8 hours of pushing? Clearly they never ate at the Indian restaurant by me.

Bones star Emily Deschanel, sister of Zooey “I’ve acted annoyingly quirky in every role I’ve ever had” Deschanel, gave birth on Wednesday to a boy named Henry Hornsby. Emily maintained a vegan diet throughout her pregnancy. Which must suck. For that kid’s future friends. Now they’re going to have to hear, “Well… I’VE been a vegan my entire life. Literally. Since I was a fetus!” Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

January Jones got pregnant during the filming of X-Men: First Class and today she’s finally given birth to the little bastard. I use that term lovingly. Sort of. She named the kid Xander Dane Jones.

January Jones gave birth to a baby boy named Xander Dane Jones on Tuesday, her rep tells Us Weekly.

“Mom and baby are doing great,” the rep says.

Just once I’d like Us or PEOPLE to write “Mom and baby are doing terribly” because you know “Mom and baby are doing great” is pretty much a given every the time. I’m just saying we should mix things up a little and not be so predictable.

Kimberly Stewart, daughter of Rod Stewart, popped out a baby girl on Sunday in LA. Benicio del Toro is confirmed to be the father.

“Benicio is the father and very supportive,” the 44-year-old actor’s rep told Us. “Although [he and Kimberly] are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby.” — Us

Kimberly and Benicio probably did it in the elevator or something. The point being, it’s going to be a real romantic story when that kid asks Kimberly how she and her father met.

The bad news is Jessica Alba was pregnant causing her to balloon to an ungodly weight (almost to that of an average American woman!!) that not even I could masturbate to. The good news is she gave birth over the weekend.

What popped out was a 7lbs, 19 inch long baby girl named Haven Garner Warren. She announced the happy news on Facebook.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Even better news is she’s going to be working out every day to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight and her boobs will be swollen for a while. Hopefully I can make due with what little consolation that brings me.

Both Victoria Beckham and Kate Hudson gave birth over the weekend.

Victoria and David Beckham named their daughter, who was born Sunday morning in LA, Harper Seven Beckham. She follows her siblings Vanity Six Beckham and Marie Five Beckham. No, just kidding. Her brothers are Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz but what a dumb middle name anyway. The only reason you should name your kid after a number is if you’re going to have trouble remembering like OctoMom.

Meanwhile, Kate Hudson gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Saturday in LA. Kate had a hunch she was having a girl when she scientifically put a pendulum over her belly and noted if it swung back and forth or in a circle. Turns out science screwed her over as her new son will be joining her 7.5 year old, Ryder Russell. There’s no name yet but because since she’s so logical, she probably wrote a bunch of letters on a piece of paper, put them in a hat and named him with five letters she picked out.