Since no one would willingly be Paris Hilton’s BFF, Paris held a contest to find one herself. Turns out there are a lot of sycophants in the world as more than a handful showed up. Auditions were held, casting was done and testing ensued to find the lucky winner deserving of Paris’ friendship for forever and eternity or at least until she gets tired of them in a couple months.

One contestant in particular shined brighter than the rest. Her name is Brittany Flickinger. It’s alright if you can’t remember the name. This will be the second to last time you ever hear of her anyway. The final time being when Paris has a fake fight with Brittany with Brittany claiming she’s carrying Paris’ lovechild and Paris looking at her with one eye cocked and the other eye lazy, claiming that’s impossible and Brittany countering that, okay, the baby thing may not be true, but she does have a wicked case of herpes and then Paris will nod acknowledging that this was more likely and then they’ll go their separate ways with Paris continuing to be Paris and Brittany making one last attempt at fame by flashing her vagina and as all this drama unfolds, Paris’ publicist will be sitting in his ornate chair, tenting his fingers and whispering, “Exxxcellent.”