Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hit up the 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards in LA on Sunday. Angelina was wearing a black dress which looked more like a piece of cloth hanging off a coat rack than anything. Hey, why don’t you just take that off and make yourself more comfortable.

In related news, Brad and Angelina won’t let their kids Google them and have blocked their names on all their computers. That’s good news. Otherwise, those kids are going to find a lot of sites talking about how hot Angelina Jolie is and how I’d like to sneak into her bedroom every night and watch her sleep.

Seal Team 6 brought The Hollywood Reporter to the 14th floor of the W Hotel to interview Brad Pitt. They talked about religion, pot and marriage among other things.

Brad says in the mid-to-late 90′s, he was suffering from depression and ended up smoking a lot of pot. His outlook changed when he saw a bunch of poor kids running aroun. Knowing you have it way better than someone can always lift your spirits.

While Pitt’s star ascended with 1992’s A River Runs Through It, 1994’s Legends of the Fall and 1995’s Seven, his personal life declined.“I got really sick of myself at the end of the 1990s: I was hiding out from the celebrity thing; I was smoking way too much dope; I was sitting on the couch and just turning into a doughnut; and I really got irritated with myself,” he says. “I got to: ‘What’s the point? I know better than this.’ ” Pitt wrestled with dark thoughts: “I used to deal with depression, but I don’t now, not this decade — maybe last decade. But that’s also figuring out who you are. I see it as a great education, as one of the seasons or a semester: ‘This semester I was majoring in depression.’ I was doing the same thing every night and numbing myself to sleep — the same routine: Couldn’t wait to get home and hide out. But that feeling of unease was growing and one night I just said, ‘This is a waste.’

A trip to Casablanca, Morocco, in the mid-to-late 1990s, “where I saw poverty to an extreme I had never witnessed before, and we talked about inequality and health care, and I saw just what I felt was so unnecessary, that people should have to survive in these circumstances — and the children were inflicted with a lot of deformities, and things that could have been avoided had become their sentence. It stuck with me.” Almost overnight, he decided something had to give. “I just quit. I stopped grass then — I mean, pretty much — and decided to get off the couch.” The Hollywood Reporter

In the past, Brad and Angelina Jolie vowed to never marry until gay marriage was legalized. But now those damn kids are asking about it all the time and testing their resolve.

He oscillates, too, on the subject of whether he’ll get married, and it’s clear Pitt has shifted from his promise that this won’t happen until gay marriage is legalized. “We’d actually like to,” he says of his seven-year partner, Jolie, “and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.” Has he asked Jolie to marry him? “I’m not going to go any further,” says Pitt. “But to be in love with someone and be raising a family with someone and want to make that commitment and not be able to is ludicrous, just ludicrous.”

I figured they didn’t want to get married in the first place so they made up this vow to never do it until gay marriage was legalized because it would never happen. Now those stupid kids are asking why mommy and daddy don’t have a piece of metal on their fingers. Well that’s simple, mommy and daddy don’t love each other. You hear that, Maddox, Pax, Vivienne, Knox, Sleepy, Grumpy and Doc ?! Yea, that’s it. Go to your room and cry.

Angelina Jolie’s newest film, and directorial debut, In the Land of Blood and Honey, stressed her out quite a bit. Jolie reveals in a live-streamed webchat about the film:

“I had a complete emotional breakdown in the shower. and Brad found me just crying. I suddenly felt the responsibility and I felt very small and, who am I to take this on? And think that I could make a difference? What have I done? … I had a complete meltdown.” US Magazine

Sheesh. Actresses suuure are high-strung. Granted, making a movie about love during the Bosnian War isn’t quite the cakewalk as Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (13% on Rotten Tomatoes, which seems quite high), but you need more reasons to cry in the shower than being pampered on a movie set with catered food and a trailer at your disposal. Reasons like having sex for the first time.

Wouldn’t it be great if Brad Pitt magically appeared anytime someone cried in the shower? As soon as you curl up fetus-like on the shower floor, an aura of yellow light and a gentle hand would rest on your shoulder. “Br-Br-Brad Pitt?” “Yes, my child. It is I, Brad Pitt. You may remember me from such movies as Moneyball and The Tree of Life. Get them now on DVD.” And poof! He vanishes into the mist.

Video starts at 3:00.

Muareen Dowd wrote an article for The New York Times Magazine remembering the late agent Sue Mengers who managed celebs like Ali MacGraw and Barbara Streisand. Mengers later became known for her parties where she befriended younger stars like Jon Hamm and Jennifer Aniston.

Anyway, Dowd attended a few of these events and wrote about one time when Mengers told Jennifer Aniston, who had already split with Brad Pitt, to ask for Pitt’s jizz.

“After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.” Vulture

No word on whether or not Jenn took that advice or if she told Mengers that that wouldn’t be necessary. Because she had already filled a few bottles up with Brad’s spunk just in case. That Jennifer Aniston. Always one step ahead.

Doing publicity for In the Land of Blood and Honey, Angelina Jolie started talking about shopping for the holidays and how she and Brad Pitt shop early in case they have to travel somewhere. However, they don’t shop online because that sh*t is confusing.

“Brad and I were on Amazon.com for the first time a week ago. But we got lost. After an hour, we just shut it off. My brain is too scattered and the wires go in different directions. I’ll stick to catalogs.” USA Today

I know what Angelina Jolie means. There are so many virtual isles that it’s like a gigantic Costco. It’s easy to get lost. Don’t get me wrong, Amazon is great but I just wish there were some way to navigate the site. Maybe an organized hierarchy of products based on categories. Like… a menu of sorts. And maybe some way to tell the site exactly what you want. Sort of like a box where you can input “searches.” Hey, I think I’m on to something here!

Everyone calm down. Brad Pitt isn’t really retiring in three years like he said he might during a Australian 60 Minutes interview. Pitt explained that he wasn’t putting an exact deadline on his expiration date but he sees it coming, he just has other interests and enjoys the production side. Pitt then added that he’d rather be old and smart then young and dumb and presumably full of, um.

“Me, personally I like ageing. With age comes wisdom and I have said it before and I say it again, I will take wisdom over youth any day. I think certainly, being a father has changed everything for me as far as perspective and interest, taking care of myself and wanting to be around for them,” he said. Telegraph

Ask Madonna and she’d say the opposite. Actually, she might just beckon you towards her with her veiny, gnarled hands and croack, “Come here, dearie,” before pushing you in an oven.

Speaking to Australia’s 60 Minutes, Brad Pitt was asked how much longer he’d like to keep acting. The answer? Three years. Though he won’t quit the business completely. Pitt, now 47, plans to step behind the camera when he turns 50.

“I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together,” Pitt says. “Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise.” E! Online

I guess when you have millions of dollars in the bank, it’s good to take time off to fill a vault with stacks of bills and go swimming like Scrooge McDuck.

But what about his kids. Is he done having them?

Something he may not be ready to say goodbye to? The possibility of expanding the Jolie-Pitt family! “You know, I don’t know that we’re finished,” Pitt says. “I don’t know yet. I don’t know.”

With six children, Pitt says he “obviously” enjoys the chaos and that the lack of sleep is fine with him right now. “Those late nights are so fun when one of them’s up or those mornings when they get up and make pancakes or something. That’s what it’s about.”

With every new kid, there’s an increased chance that at least one of them is going to blow through all their savings. My money is on Zahara. She looks like a shifty troublemaker.

On September 15, Brad Pitt told Parade magazine what everyone already knew. That Jennifer Aniston was boring and that “he wasn’t living an interesting life” before Jolie and was “trying to pretend my marriage was something that it wasn’t.” He since issued a statement saying his words were misinterpreted but only because Aniston was pissed and her people pressured him into doing so. The truth does indeed hurt.

And, yes, his 42-year-old ex-wife got wind of the catty comment. “She was annoyed,” a pal close to the Horrible Bosses actress tells the new Us Weekly, out now. “She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”

Team Aniston — her agent and publicists — “went ballistic,” a Pitt insider reveals, and angrily reached out to Pitt’s camp.

“They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act — the only way you can read the riot act to Brad Pitt,” the source says.

Within 24 hours, Pitt had surprisingly released a statement lamenting that his words were misinterpreted, and that his former love “is an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.”

Still, the Pitt source says, “no one believes his words were taken out of context — he said what he said. I do hear that he’s remorseful.” — Us

The source adds that “We think he’s jealous she’s in love.” And why wouldn’t he be? Sure, he’s got Angelina Jolie, six kids, millions of dollars and a highly successful film career but Aniston has a boyfriend who dresses like Ghost Rider, multiple failed relationships, a ticking biological clock and a dull personality. If I were Brad, I’d be jealous too if she was in love with someone other than me. Clearly, she’d have everything while I’d have nothing.

Rumors have been going around that Angelina Jolie should be worried about Lara Marsden, Brad Pitt’s assistant on World War Z, because the two have been flirting. This is all speculation of course. There’s no proof even in one picture. It’s all hearsay. Much like the rumor going around that I cry in the shower every night. What a bunch of baloney. Since when are a couple of sobs considered crying?!

Brad Pitt is filming World War Z in Malta (ugh, acting is such hard work) and a source says he’s been spending a lot of time with a woman not named Angelina Jolie. This is all making Angelina paranoid of course because men leaving their significant others for a girl they met on set is the new thing to do.

The on set beauty has been spotted being touchy feely with her famous pal on more than one occasion, and as the picture above shows the two seem very comfortable together.

This is all happening in Malta as Brad films World War Z, and Angelina is shacked up nearby with the couple’s brood of six children. “Their marriage plans haven’t been discussed for weeks now,” the source claims. “And it’s quite a coincidence that they’re being pushed back right when Brad is getting close to another woman.”

Ironically Angie, just like Brad’s ex Jennifer Aniston, finds the relationship “not cool.” Further complicating issues is Angie’s anger over the fact that Brad contacted Jen after the death of her dog Norman. [Hollywood Life]

I wouldn’t be too worried. Why would Brad not want to go back home to his six screaming children, his jealous wife and her collection of knives? He’s living the dream, man.

Angelina Jolie did a lengthy interview with The Telegraph where she talked about life, her family, her directorial debut, the Cleopatra movie she’s doing with David Fincher and how Brad Pitt has a big penis. Hey, don’t think I can’t read between the lines.

‘I am very lucky with Brad,’ she goes on. ‘He is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man. He’s got the wonderful balance of being an extraordinary, great, loving father, a very, very intelligent man and physically he’s a real man,’ she says, blushing slightly, ‘in all things that it means.’

It sounds like Angelina is putting Brad on a pedestal. I suggest she doesn’t. Not until she sees what I have to offer at least. *Flexes arm. Pulls muscle. Yelps in pain.*

Later in the interview, Jolie alludes to the possibility of never marrying Brad.

Whatever the truth, she has evidently achieved greater stability with Pitt than in any of her previous relationships.
At 20, she married the British actor Jonny Lee Miller, walking down the aisle in black rubber trousers and a white shirt with her groom’s name scrawled in blood. The union lasted barely two years.
‘It was weird to be married; you kind of lose your identity,’ she said at the time. ‘You’re suddenly somebody’s wife. And you’re like, “Oh, I’m half of a couple now. I’ve lost me.”’
More recently, in 2008, she commented, ‘I’ll always love [Jonny]; we were simply too young.’

Not a big loss. The only thing people get out of marriage is a ring and a legally binding paper. I already have both of those from of a Cracker Jack box and I didn’t have to pay $10,000 to get them.

Kirsten Dunst had a rowdy all-night party at Eden Roc Hotel in Cannes this week and annoyed the hell out of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie while they were trying to sleep in their private villa.

The 28-year-old ‘Spiderman’ star partied into the night with a group of A-listers, before staff requested they keep the noise levels down. A source at the bash said, “The group, which included Mad Men star Jon Ham and Hsm’s Vanessa Hudgens, was stomping their feet and jumping on tables. All the while, bar staff patiently waited for them to quit”. After the Hollywood stars continued their party, security asked the group to pipe down “as they were disturbing Brangelina”, who are staying in a private villa in the grounds of the hotel.

I know I should make fun of the pebbly-toothed Kirsten Dunst and her friends for being annoying asses but all my sympathy for Brad and Angelina disappeared when I read “private villa.” Oh, what? Your fancy villa doesn’t have 10 inch thick concrete walls? Pffft.

Here’s Brad Pitt at Cannes over the weekend channeling Colin Farrell channeling Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice. Brad was there promoting the hotly anticipated Terrence Malick film Tree of Life which debuted to mixed reviews. Though if you listened to the audience, you’d think it sucks. That’s because a few people in the crowd viciously booed at the end of the screening.

“The booing at the end of today’s Tree of Life screening was an ugly, animalistic thing that may explain why Malick doesn’t do press,” added IndieWire’s Eric Kohn (via EW).

Why can’t people leave the theater mumbling something about “waste of time” and pee on the toilet seats in protest like a normal passive aggressive audience. Sheesh.