That greasy fatty Brandon Davis took to his Twitter to attention whore by calling Mischa Barton fat. After seeing her at the Nylon party on Wednesday, he wrote, “Omg. Just realized my ex turned in to 1 of the fattest people in the planet. I’m gonna start dating plus size models. Not! Mischa the Hefer.” Later, coroners removed Brandon’s body from his apartment after he was killed by the crushing irony.

A source added Mischa was upset after running into Brandon at the party and left around midnight. “She was chain-smoking the entire night. Mischa was never without a cigarette in her hand — and a puss on her face.”

Here’s Brandon Davis from four years ago at his best.

[Pacific Coast News]

These pictures are a hodgepodge of confusion. First, Mischa Barton starts sunbathing topless or her bikini slipped which is fine by me, but then… is that Brandon Davis hanging around? Why is he molesting her from behind? Does this make sense to anyone? Am I seeing things? Is this an alternate reality where people aren’t instantly repulsed by his overactive sweat glands? Can there even exist such a reality?

On second thought, that doesn’t look like Brandon Davis, but I can’t tell.

Brandon Davis celebrated his birthday yesterday at Mr. Chow with his brother and Paris Hilton. Upon exiting the establishment, photogs ignored Brandon and snapped pictures of Paris while she tried to locate her Bentley. Unbeknown to her, Brandon Davis was building up a sweat running to her car as she sped away with a smile. I read a children’s book before that had sort of the same plot. It was called My Friend is a Self-centered Bitch, but I Enjoy Her Company Because No One Likes Me.

Oil heir Brandon Davis had a debacle at Paris Hilton’s birthday party a week or two ago. In addition to throwing stuff at Paula Abdul, he was making fun of her Middle Eastern heritage.

“He kept on saying her last name over and over again, and then would insert his made-up version of an Arabic language.”

As it turns out, his his last name isn’t Davis, it’s Zarif from his father Nebil Zarif, a Turkish-American wine importer. Brandon’s grandfather, Marvin Davis, never approved of Nebil and his mother Nancy’s marriage and basically paid Nebil to leave. Luckily, everyone already knew Brandon Zarif is a complete retard. It saves people the trouble of explaining why. On another note, why is he so sweaty? I’ve seen less perspiration in Jenny Craig on chase the donut-mobile day. He leaves a salty puddle everywhere he goes. He’s like a slug, but uglier.

In probably the most wonderful news of the day, Brandon Davis made Paris Hilton cry at her own birthday party Saturday night. Rick and Kathy Hilton, her parents, spent a boatload of money for Paris’ party at Prime Grill. The flowers alone cost $10,000, but in the end there was no salvaging it from the greasy hero.

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. “He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul,” says a guest. “Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, ‘Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!’ He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

“Stavros and Paris tried to stop him. Paris said, ‘Shut up, you’re wasted!’” But it was too late. Abdul, who was due to sing “Happy Birthday,” made an early exit.

Davis then turned his dim beams on Love. “He lifted her up so that she was straddling his waist,” says a witness. “Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, ‘I want to squirt on you.’ He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter, Frances Bean. When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen.”

It didn’t stop there. “He was knocking over glasses and candles on the table,” says a source. “Paris was crying to her mother, ‘This is not my fault!’”

I’m just gonna call this guy Bacon Davis. I’m too lazy to keep typing fat and greasy in front of his name. Besides the begrudging applause I’m giving him, I want to know why Courtney Love wasn’t tearing through his pants after that pick-up line. Was it the delivery? Not sincere enough?

Brandon and his fatter brother Joe (there’s more than one Davis!?) tried to get into club Hyde on Saturday, but were ultimately rejected. They first tried to get in through the back and were denied. Then they went to the front where they were told that the club was at maximum capacity and were denied again. Brandon Davis couldn’t take this so he ran away to cry.

He wouldn’t have liked it there anyway. Pretty people and Brandon don’t mix. He should be thanking the door lady for keeping him from the humiliation. I should be thanking the door lady for making Brandon run away like a little bitch in front of cameras.

Someone caught Brandon Davis giving Paris Hilton a little kiss when they were out together. I’ve never felt sorry for Paris until now. Even then, it’s the kind of sorry you feel when you see a guy get robbed at gun point and you decide the best thing to do is walk away. What? Isn’t it enough that I’m up all night thinking about the gunshots?

Awesome black mental patient outfit Brandon. You’re gonna get some tail now.

Paris Hilton has probably lost the bet with Serena Williams over who could abstain from sex the longest. The news today is Paris and Brandon Davis have been living together since he got out of rehab. The cover story is Brandon is selling his home and that’s why he’s staying at her house. Clever. Except Brandon Davis is rich and could afford to stay in a hotel. He just needs one with AC that can go to 32 degrees farenheit. Because he’s sweaty. As a result of being fat.

The fire crotch rant must have really touched Paris’ heart like some sort of socialite cupid’s arrow. In fact, the combination of Paris and Brandon may be so awesome it could make the world implode. That level of stupidity has never been reached…until now. I have only one question. Can you handle Brandon “The Beast” Davis?

Oh look, Paris meets her one fan while in Tokyo.

Now I’m not saying Nicky Hilton is fat because anyone sitting next to Brandon Davis is a praying mantis, but when your belly starts becoming amorphous and has 20 rolls when you sit down, it may be time to invest in a treadmill. Either that or someone is gonna send you a coupon to Jenny Craig. I don’t think we need to mention any names, but it starts with m and ends with e.

Meanwhile, what is there to be said about Brandon Davis. I dare you to look at him and not laugh. He’s a sweaty monkey that can’t be bothered with getting up anymore. He tries sitting up once, but half way in he just tires himself out and has to lie back down again. The only thing he has going for him, is his uncanny resemblance to the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.