Mena Suvari is divorcing Simone Sestito which means we get to listen to Simone’s excuses as to why he should get the $17,000/month in spousal support he’s asking for.

In recently filed court docs, Sestito says he has “negative balances” on all his personal and business accounts and has to pay his bills with credit cards and loans from his parents. I fail to see how his terrible money management skill is Mena Suvari’s problem, but do go on.

Sestito claims he’s now used to eating out “almost everyday at high end restaurants” making his monthly food expenses $3,000/month. Which makes perfect sense because that $30 burger tastes way different than the $8 one. The ground baby panda bones give it a sort of kick.

Suvari’s ex wants $17,151/month in spousal support and $10k to pay off his attorney. Which means he wants Mena to pay for his lawyer who’s trying to squeeze money out of her. While he’s at it, why not ask Mena to punch herself in the face too.

Mena’s lawyer, Mark Gross, laughed for 10 minutes and told TMZ, “it is unfortunate that Simone has chosen the spotlight of litigation over the privacy of mediation.”

Everybody was stupefied and a lot of head shaking was going on when Rihanna collaborated with Chris Brown on two tracks, one of which was a remix of Birthday Cake. This was followed by rumors that they were and had been hooking up again.

Well, whether or not that happened, consider it over now that Chris Brown’s remix of Kanye West’s Theraflu is out. Chris raps,

Don’t fuck with my old bitches
Like a bad fur
Every industry nigga did had her
Trick or treat like a pumpkin just to smash her
Bitches breaking codes
But I’m the password

These lyrics have led to a 21st century break-up and the ultimate sign that their relationship can’t be saved. The mutual unfollowing of each other on Twitter.

Rihanna tweeted, “Aw, poor dat #neaux1currrrr,” before unfollowing Brown. While Chris, tweeted, “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about,” before unfollowing Rihanna.

Granted, half of those lyrics are indecipherable. I’m pretty sure most rap songs are 50% what rappers want to say and 50% words that sound cool. It’s like the lyrical version of holding a gun sideways.

Her rise to fame from her role on Modern Family coupled with her popularity, especially with men (read: tits), seems to have led to Sofia Vergara breaking up with her boyfriend of two years Nick Loeb.

Sofia was confiding in friends at the ball that she and Nick have split. They have been fighting a lot recently and have been on the brink of splitting many times. It is not yet clear if they are over for good, but they are done as a couple for now.”

Another source told us that Vergara and Loeb’s relationship stumbled under the pressure of her growing fame and popularity. Her success on “Modern Family,” and as host of “Saturday Night Live” — as well as her obvious sex appeal — has turned her into one of TV’s biggest female stars.

The couple met at a Golden Globes party in 2010. Vergara said in January that Loeb enjoys red-carpet events. “He loves my career,” said Vergara. “He likes coming to these events. For him, it’s like a hobby to be part of this Hollywood scene.” Page Six

Hopefully this means I’ll have a shot at Sofia. I’ve been building the foundation for a relationship by sending her love letters these past two years. “You will be mine,” “Forever,” and “There is no escape… from our future together,” are just a few I’ve sent her. They’re cryptic because women like a bit of mystery.

After a few months of dating, Amanda Seyfried and Josh Hartnett’s relationship has ended as quietly as it began. A source tells Us Weekly, ”Amanda’s been flying home to Los Angeles when she’s not in the studio. She has been trying to see Josh but it hasn’t worked. She decided to end things.”

Josh must be devastated. He didn’t even get to have a public photo op with her.

Back in 2009, The National Enquirer ran a story alleging Morgan Freeman was deadset on marrying his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines. It sounded too far fetched to be true but it was fun to play around with for about a week.

Now, in 2012, three years later, Morgan felt the need to deny these rumors. He starts off by saying he never addressed the rumors because he didn’t want to dignify the stories by commenting but now he has to say something because “mainstream media” outlets have been picking up the reports. What? Really? Three years later? Has Freeman been living in a bubble?

“The recent reports of any pending marriage or romantic relationship of me to anyone are defamatory fabrications from the tabloid media designed to sell papers. What is even more alarming is that these fabrications are now being picked up by the legitimate press as well.”

E’Dena has also issued a statement … saying, “These stories about me and my grandfather are not only untrue, they are also hurtful to me and my family.” TMZ

Aw, guess things didn’t work out for Freeman and Hines. I’ll go ahead and file this under breakups.

After two years of dating, Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has split with his model girlfriend Anne Vyalitsyna. Probably because he still has no f*cking clue how to pronounce her last name.

“Adam and I have decided to separate in an amicable and supportive manner. We still love and respect each other as friends. I wish him all the best,” Vyalitsyna said in a statement. PEOPLE

Aw, popular recording artist broke up with his model girlfriend who he banged for two years. How will Adam ever manage to get over this what with the revolving door of groupies that his crotch is about to become. Poor bastard.

Zoe Saldana’s beard contract with Bradley Cooper has finally ended. A source confirms to Us Weekly that they’ve split after three months of dating and neither of them are too sad about it. “She and Bradley weren’t superserious at all,” says the source.

Dating Bradley Cooper must be super annoying. Always so charming and seducing you with French and wrapping you in his strong arms. Am I right, ladies?

Turns out third time isn’t a charm. Dennis Quaid’s wife, Kimberly Buffington-Quaid, is filing for divorce. According to the docs, instead of just citing the usual “irreconcilable differences,” Kimberly says she’s filing for divorce because things have “become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities.”

Buffington-Quaid has been granted possession of the family’s main house and a Mercedes, while Quaid, 57, gets a condo and a Cadillac, according to the filing. The couple will share a Range Rover.

Last October, Quaid put his 418-acre Montana property on the market for $14 million.

In a response to his wife’s filing, Quaid has requested that she get nothing in their eventual settlement.

Quaid divorced Meg Ryan in 2001 and actress P.J. Soles in 1983. PEOPLE

I’m not sure what the problem was in the marriage so I’ll just take the go to “banging a lot of whores” for $400, Alex.

After a year of dating, Eva Longoria and Penelop Cruz’s little brother, Eduardo, have called it quits. A source tells Us the decision was mutual and they’re staying friends. Eduardo has since returned to his home in Madrid, Spain. Meanwhile, Eva will celebrate her 37th birthday in a few weeks as a single woman. Unless my plan of making her my conjoined twin comes to fruition before then.

Us Weekly by way of Hollywood Life says Taylor Swift was dumped again. This time by potential Les Miserables co-star Eddie Redmayne. They say when Taylor failed to secure the role in the movie, Eddie dumped her. He didn’t want to do a long distance relationship.

“They hung out in New York City with the movie’s execs,” a source explains. “And Taylor developed feelings for him fast.”

“Taylor loved the image of a British boyfriend,” the insider adds.

Eddie liked her too, but when she wasn’t cast in the role, their romance came to a halt, since he will be away filming the movie in London.

“Eddie’s not interesting in a long-distance relationship. The elements were against them. It’s a shame,” the source says. Hollywood Life

I’m pretty sure what he really meant was he would be off in London banging groupies and didn’t want his guilt getting in the way. In any case, at least Taylor will have enough material for her next album and she’ll be happy(?) to hear all the comparisons to Jennifer Aniston.

A couple days after giving the finger during the Super Bowl halftime show, reports are coming in that M.I.A. has split with her billionaire fiance Benjamin Bronfman. M.I.A. supposedly spends most of her time in London while Bronfman lives in New York with their 3-year-old son Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman. And it seems Bronfman has already moved on.

Bronfman looked like he was on a date last week when he was spotted at the Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture in Harlem with a beautiful woman. NYDN

Asked for comment, M.I.A. gave the finger, once again sending the nation into a state of panic. Ahh! How do we stop this foreign devil?! Someone think of the children!

PEOPLE’s title “Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis Living ‘Sad’ Separate Lives” sounds like the death knell for Johnny and Vanessa’s relationship. They haven’t been seen on the red carpet together for over a year and sources say they don’t even live together. Some in their circle say after 14 years, they’ve already split. “It’s so sad,” says an insider.

Usually PEOPLE has a good track record with rumors because they’re always kissing celebrity ass. Not like me. Whenever I ask for comment, the person on the other line goes “ksscchhh… breaking up… kscchhhh… can’t hear you.” At first, I thought it was just bad reception, but after the sixth time, I’m starting to wonder.

Demi Lovato is almost 20-years-old which is like 60 to Wilmer Valderrama. Hence, he dumped her. Lovato hinted at the breakup by tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote. “A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.” Minutes later she tweeted, “The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”

Wilmer couldn’t be reached for comment because he was busy waiting outside the Disney approved rehab center for another screwed up teen to bang.