It felt like only yesterday Kristen Stewart was having an asexual affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders. Since then, she and Robert Pattinson have gotten back together. Now they’ve split again. This time it was partly because of Katy Perry. I don’t even know what’s going on.

A source simply said Katy Perry “played a role, as one of many reasons” in the couple’s split. Then again, so did Kristen cheating on Rob with her director. I assume that was a much bigger problem in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, Rob P. as his friends call him (I don’t know if they do), was seen moving his stuff out of Kristen’s house in a beat-up pickup truck. He took a suitcase, his bikes, some trash bags and his two dogs. Sources say Kristen was there and Rob looked very upset. *Cough*Pussy*Cough*

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After three years of dating, Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev have split. Just last month they were seen going to a cat hospital with no sign of any relationship trouble and, as you very well know, how one acts with their significant other when they go to a cat hospital is very telling. Oh and they were also making out at Coachella which, I guess, is also very telling.

Sources say they “will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started.” Of course that is until one of them starts banging someone much better than the other. Then it’s all, “Who put hot peppers in my special lotion?!”

Incidentally, Dobrev told Seventeen last fall that, “I didn’t want to be dating one of my costars — my goal on the show was to be professional. But sometimes you can’t help who you have a connection with, and you can only fight it for so long — which I did for a really, really long time.”

A few people may be mourning the end of this relationship like they did Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson when they broke up but those people are nuts. I, on the other hand, am putting on a party hat and throwing streamers in the air. Nina Dobrev is single which means I have a chance. Still not a very good one, but a much better one than before.

Also, possibly related tweet from Ian below.

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:People change and forget to tell each other. -Lillian Hellman, playwright (1905-1984)

— ian somerhalder (@iansomerhalder) May 9, 2013

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Rihanna took Chris Brown back after he punched her in the face a zillion times but now they’ve split again because he’s 24 and that’s way to young to be “wife-ing” somebody. He said on the Kyle O & Jackie Show that he’s just trying to have a good time and he “really wants to see as many girls as possible.”

“I actually have three birthday parties scheduled: one in LA, one in Vegas, and one in New York, so we can go ahead and have fun, and I’m just trying to have the best time and basically celebrate with all my fans and all the people that’s in the club and the parties.”

When asked what the best present he could receive would be, Brown said peace of mind, but added: “You know, I’m 24, I’m going to be in Las Vegas, so I really want to see as many girls as possible.”

Kyle Sandilands then asked Brown what his “status” was, and whether he would be partying alone, to which the rapper said: “Yeah, I’m gonna do it solo.”

Brown, who turned 24 on Sunday (May 5), continued: “The way I look at it is… I’m always going to love that person, but people have differences, and people have different wants and needs.”

“At the end of the day she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young… and I’m young too.”

“I just got to step forward and be a man and be the best Chris Brown I can be instead of worrying about whoever else is going to be in my side pocket.”

The good news is Chris Brown probably saved Rihanna from herself and she now has a 98% better chance of not being punched in the face again. Woo hoo?

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PEOPLE reports that Katy Perry and John Mayer have split thus signaling the end of that confusing phase she was going through. They’ve parted ways after 7 months of dating which, frankly, was way 6 months too long anyway.

Katy can now get back to what she’s good at doing. Wearing cone shaped bras that shoot fireworks.

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Last week, Julianne Hough had $100,000 worth of jewelry stolen out of her car that Ryan Seacrest gave her. Soon after, Us and PEOPLE reported that they split. Coincidence? *Puts on detective hat* Sources say the split was because Ryan worked all the time, not because the beard contract ran out.

“Dude works all the time,” a pal tells Us Weekly. “He never sleeps.” Although dancer-turned-actress Hough, 24, has an increasingly hectic slate of projects herself, her priorities were a little different, the friend explains.

“It’s a lifestyle she couldn’t handle anymore. Work always, always came first [for Ryan] She wants a more lowkey life.” Us Weekly

All Julianne wants is a lowkey life full of movie roles and A-list events. It’s sort of like guys saying they just want a girl who loves them and looks like Candice Swanepoel and is on the pill.

Anyway, Julianne was out being single over the weekend with her brother and Maksim Chmerkovskiy at the Roosevelt Hotel where TMZ caught her smoking. *Gasps, faints, farts*

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Soon after rumors of Liam Hemsworth making out with January Jones and flirting with Emma Watson started floating around, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth ended their engagement.

“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him.”

Another source added, “They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated.

“While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart,” the insider said. Page Six

Liam already ran off to Australia because that’s the best way to deal with problems be they breakups, unexpected pregnancies or even dead hookers.

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Apparently every story this Friday will be related to Rihanna in some way. The latest news is that Rihanna and Chris Brown might be over. Again. For the fourth time?

A source tells The Daily Mail that the two were at Playhouse in LA on Wednesday where they refused to acknowledge each other. When Rihanna first came in, she didn’t even know Chris would be there. The VIP asked if she’d like to be seated with her boyfriend but Rihanna declined and told her to sit her somewhere else.

When Chris saw she was there, “He made a huge show of rubbing his presence in her face. He promptly ordered three more bottles of ace of spades which came out with in a procession of sparklers and scantily clad cocktail waitresses, causing a spectacle, which he clearly wanted Rihanna to see.”

Chris left early while Rihanna stayed to 3 am. It’s a stark contrast to when we saw them at the Grammys and could explain why Chris was kissing random chicks at a club.

On the bright side, Rihanna didn’t get punched in the face on Wednesday so we’ll just count this as a win.

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Earlier this week, there was a report that Taylor Swift broke up with Harry Styles because he kissed like a snail and no one wants to kiss a snail. Unless the snail is a banana slug which is just a snail without a shell. Anyhoo, the gist of the story was they had a lack of chemistry on account of Styles dragging his tongue across her mouth during every kiss.

Now the National Enquirer has a new report that says the real reason they broke up was because Taylor wouldn’t stop making fun of Harry’s uncircumcised penis. A source says Harry ended it because he was sick of Taylor “nagging him about clipping his [penis].” Apparently, Taylor didn’t like that Harry wasn’t circumcised so she kept pushing him to get it cut.

Harry told her it wasn’t ever going to happen. Whenever Taylor brought it up, Harry would roll his eyes and ignore her but eventually he couldn’t take it anymore.

What I want to know is how Taylor is going to work that into a song. She’ll have to use a euphemism like this dude had a pet aardvark she didn’t like and she asked him to get rid of it but he said no so obviously it was all his fault and now she’s living in a big old city and all he’s ever going to be is foreskinny.

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Reports began in November that Britney Spears and Jason Trawick’s relationship was on the rocks because Britney felt Jason was acting too much like her father and she didn’t need another one of those. Later, rumors started surfacing that Jason was planning on splitting up with Britney after X Factor ended.

Turns out they were  right because Britney and Jason have broken up. Jason didn’t want to make the announcement until he was taken off the conservatorship which he was. Britney’s rep announced to PEOPLE, “Britney Spears and Jason Trawick have mutually agreed to end their one-year engagement. As two mature adults, they came to the difficult decision to go their separate ways while continuing to remain friends.”

Britney says in the statement, “Jason and I have decided to call off our engagement. I’ll always adore him and we will remain great friends.” Adds Jason, “As this chapter ends for us a new one begins. I love and cherish her and her boys and we will be close forever.”

Everything seemed to be planned in advance as earlier in the day it was announced that Britney had signed with Creative Artists Agency alluding to the fact that Jason would no longer play a part in her career.

The good news is, now that Britney’s single, no longer mentally unstable and making sort of a career comeback, guys are lining up around the block trying to romance her. A few have even gone as far as to reenact the scene from Say Anything with John Cusack but instead of holding a boombox over their heads, it’s a family sized bucket of KFC.

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Justin Bieber reconciling with Selena Gomez was just delaying the inevitable. The two finally broke up for good. Actually, around the same time Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up and it kind of happened the same way.

The two were in Puerta Vallarta for a New Year’s trip when they got into a “huge fight, and Selena won’t forgive him.” Selena flew back to LA on the 20th and spent NYE at a house party with friends while Bieber spent NYE with Lil Twist at club Couture in LA.

Once again, no word on what the argument was about but knowing Bieber at one point he definitely screamed, “You just can’t handle my swagger!”

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