The Blemish » break-ups Better than a slap to the face Thu, 09 Oct 2014 19:38:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Kris Jenner Files for Divorce, Bruce Jenner (Probably) Goes Vagina Shopping Tue, 23 Sep 2014 01:46:42 +0000 After 23 years, the marriage of Bruce and Kris Jenner appears to be drawing to an official close. According to court documents filed today in LA Superior Court and obtained by E! News, Kris named irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and asked for joint custody of 17-year-old Kylie Jenner, the only underage person left in the Kardashian-Jenner household.

Upon receiving the divorce papers, Bruce made a quick stop at Dry Bar before hurrying to the offices of his cosmetic surgeon, where he browsed through a book showing various styles of vagina. This of course is just wild speculation – he might wait until tomorrow, when traffic isn’t as heavy. Bruce, go with the Sharon Stone – it’s a classic.

Kris and Bruce have stayed friendly throughout a separation that began last October, frequently getting together though Kris remains in Calabasas and Bruce is living in Malibu.

In a joint statement at the time of their separation, the couple said, “Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.” Well, sure – any family that’s generated more than $100 million in reality show income would have to be close to the top of your Favorite Things list.

Professional athletes who’d like to date Kris may send a naked, full-body shot to

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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are Heading for a Split Wed, 17 Sep 2014 22:11:09 +0000 Not many people can stand Nickelback for 1 minute much less 1 year but that’s how long Avril Lavigne lasted until she decided to tap out. Well, officially they haven’t called it quits yet, but according to an insider, it’s pretty much a done deal.

“It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.”

Still no word on what precipitated this breakup but 10 to 1 odds it was because she finally listened to a Nickelback song.

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French Montana Is a Stage 5 Clinger Wed, 10 Sep 2014 17:54:37 +0000 Eight months into dating, Khloe Kardashian and French Montana have decided to go on a break. Mainly because Montana was suffocating her. “The relationship got too heavy and Khloe needed to take a step back,” said a source.

Another insider described Montana as too “needy” and “it grated on her that he became so dependent on her.” To be fair, have you seen Khloe Kardashian? That woman can open a jar like no other and can always reach the top shelf. Doesn’t she like feeling needed?!

Not helping was her family who never liked the guy. Kris Jenner “did not approve and told Khloe all the time.” What’s more baffling is her sister Kim and stepdad Bruce thought he was using her for fame.

Isn’t that exactly what the entire Kardashian family does? Use people for fame? Game recognize game.

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Britney Spears Single Again After Video of Boyfriend Cheating on Her Surfaces Fri, 29 Aug 2014 15:54:44 +0000 Britney Spears has split with David Lucado after she saw a video of him dancing and making out with another woman. The video was shot in August in someone’s living room and was being shopped around by an agency.

A rep said for Lucado, “David is very, very in love with Britney. This is unfortunate and he hopes that it all works out.”

That doesn’t look it’s going to happen because Britney tweeted yesterday, “Ahhh the single life!”

As for the video, Britney’s dad bought it. A rep for Jamie Spears says when he got word of the video, he contacted the agency selling it and gave them bags of money. He then showed it to Britney who took all of 5 seconds to break up with David.

Britney then posted a video to Instagram about having a shitty day. Either she’s talking about finding out her boyfriend cheated on her or someone didn’t refill the toilet paper.

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Mariah Carey Hired Security to Keep Nick Cannon Away From Girls, Will Separate Wed, 20 Aug 2014 17:26:42 +0000 Rumor has it Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are separating after six years of marriage. An insider says he’s been living out of hotels and that they’ve been fighting a lot. Possibly because Mariah suspected Nick was cheating on her.

Because of her suspicions she did what any normal wife would. Carey hired a security guard to watch over Nick while he partied in Vegas earlier this year.

“The security guard wasn’t there to keep the girls away from him,” said our source. “It was to keep him away from the girls.”

Carey also didn’t want Cannon drinking while at the Vegas gigs because she felt he “gets in trouble when he drinks,” the source added.

In a weird way, Nick and I are a lot alike. My girlfriend did this to me too. Okay. I hired security for myself. Okay. I just stood around security pretending they were guarding me. Okay. I was actually thrown out by security. Whatever. Are you happy now?!

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Ciara’s Engagement to Future Called Off After He Cheated Wed, 13 Aug 2014 20:21:30 +0000 Ciara has ended her engagement to Future after finding out he cheated on her. The two started dating more than a year ago. Ciara got pregnant and Future proposed to her on her birthday, October 2013. She gave birth to their son, Future Zahir Wilburn, three months ago.

The two met when their label put them together. At the time she told Brides magazine, “I went into the studio strictly to work, but he was very calm and sweet, a gentleman… I knew right away that he was different. Now he’s my best friend in the world, my partner.”

It seems like Ciara… didn’t look to the future. Eh? Eh?

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Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult Broke Up Over Her ‘Exploded Ego’ Wed, 30 Jul 2014 18:12:09 +0000 Nicholas Hoult and Jennifer Lawrence broke up because she’s now obsessed with fame and has taken to tripping at every event because she wants to be just like us.

According to reports, Hoult was “cozying up” to Riley Keough (up top) at No.8’s Philo Prom party in New York City last week while Lawrence was holding a team meeting on what she can do next to endear herself to the people.

“Jen is still desperately trying to get back with Nicholas after he broke up with her,” says our source.

“They’re still talking but Nicholas is moving on. He hates how in love with fame Jen is, and he told her he hates dating an A-list actress.

“That was the most hurtful to Jen because she’s worked so hard for her achievements and she’s so proud of her career. But Nic wants a more low-key girlfriend and Riley fits the bill.”

Whatever. If Nic doesn’t want her, I’ll take her. Put me in, coach! I got this!

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Justin Bieber Broke Up Calvin Harris & Rita Ora Sat, 07 Jun 2014 23:52:22 +0000 On Friday, Calvin Harris tweeted that he and Rita Ora had split some time ago. This could explain that video of him bringing 10 women back to his place. One without underwear.

According to sources, it was all because of Justin Bieber. Justin. Bieber. That twink broke up one of the most popular, richest and wanted DJs in the world and Rita Ora.

It’s rumored that Justin and Rita “got touchy feely” while in the recording studio together the last few months. Calvin heard about how she’d sit on his lap and how he’d rub her back and, like any self-respecting man, he dry-heaved before breaking it off.

The only logical reason I can come up with as to why women like Justin Bieber is that he’s got a gun to their family’s heads and he’s already killed their dog to show them he’s not fucking around.

Anyway, Calvin must be hurting right now. He’s probably crying into the soft, perky breasts of a very flexible 23-year-old on his 5,000 thread count sheets. “I… I don’t think I should be alone tonight.”

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Jennifer Lopez Got Tired of Her Boyfriend Texting Transexuals Fri, 06 Jun 2014 15:41:09 +0000 Jennifer Lopez has dumped Casper Smart, her boyfriend of three and a half years. A source says they wanted to keep this on the downlow and that “he was slowly going to move out and that would be it.”

Signs the relationship was in trouble showed in October when a source told E! things weren’t going well. “They are bickering and it’s clear to the people around them that there is an irritation between them at the moment. It’s hot and cold, but more cold than hot right now.”

What probably did it was that report by TheDirty only last week that claimed Casper Smart was into chicks with dicks. Smart had allegedly been cheating on Lopez with transsexual model Sofie Vissa and another transsexual model Xristina Marie. A source says Smart met Marie in Miami and he knew she had a dick. Apparently there aren’t enough strap-ons in the world that could keep Smart and Lopez together.

In sort of related news, everyone from the Bronx hates Jennifer Lopez and thinks she’s a sellout. She tried to prove otherwise by performing on stage while sitting on a fake neighborhood stoop saying, “This is how we used to do it in The Bronx.”

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Gwyneth Paltrow Announces Divorce From Chris Martin on Her GOOP Site Wed, 26 Mar 2014 00:10:40 +0000 About an hour ago, Gwyneth Paltrow sent out an email that promised a special GOOP announcement. No, it wasn’t an affordable $575 scarf perfect for spring. It was an announcement that she and Chris Martin were getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage.

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris

So what went wrong? Was it that Whisper rumor of Paltrow cheating on Martin with an entertainment lawyer? Well, that couldn’t have helped. But, I bet it’s because Chris Martin wouldn’t stop wearing white after Labor Day. That asshole.

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