Ha ha, you suck, Audrina Patridge

Audrina Patridge almost had it all: More seasons of The Hills and an up-and-coming actor/boyfriend in Chris Pine (Captain Kirk in Star Trek).

Chrstina Ricci broke off her engagement

Christina Ricci and her fivehead broke off her engagement with comedian Owen Benjamin after the two got into an argument at Owen’s birthday party.

Madonna ends it with Jesus

Madonna and Jesus Luz are done. She finally realized her gnarled body was too old for him after she heard about the romantic weekend he spent with a lingerie model.

Jennifer Aniston can’t keep a man

E!’s Marc Malkin claims Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have split again, further cementing the prophecy that Aniston will be alone for the rest of her life.

Holly Madison and Criss Angel are over

Holly Madison, 29, came out of her stupor and realized Criss Angel, 41, wasn’t the douchebag she wanted to spend her entire life with.

Megan Fox is single

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their 2-year-old engagement.

Hayden Panettiere is single

Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia, two people with the most difficult to remember last names in Hollywood, have split.

Lindsay and Sam have split

Despite earlier denials via MySpace by Lindsay Lohan, TMZ insists she and Samantha Ronson have split.

Sarah Jessica Parker has had enough

They tried to make it work for the sake of their 6-year-old son, James Wilkie, but Sarah Jessica Parker has finally had enough of Matthew Broderick cheating with 25-year-old redheads passed out on their beds.