Rumors of Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner’s demise have been greatly exaggerated. Avril and Brody both took to Twitter to deny the split reported by Us Weekly.

Jenner tweeted, “It really upsets me to read all the FALSE!! stories. Avril has always been there for me and is the closest person to my heart. I love her.”

Afterward, Lavigne responded, “luv u 2!!! @BrodyJenner.”

Whew. I was in the fetal position in my shower rocking back and forth in disbelief BroLavigne had ended. “I’ve never cared so much about anything in my life!,” I screamed at my roommate banging on the door because I was making him late for work. Now I can rest easy knowing these two are still together. Crisis. Averted.

Brody Jenner is pressing charges against the five people who attacked him and Avril Lavigne, allegedly smashing a broken bottle on his head. He filed a report for assault with a deadly weapon with police.

According to Us, the incident took place outside of Beacher’s Madhouse at the Roosevelt. A source says Avril got into an argument with another woman. “At first, the girl called Brody something and that set Avril off so she talked s**t back to them.” Brody then got involved.

Observing the tiff, “Brody came over aggressively and got involved,” the first source explains, adding that another man came to defend Lavigne’s sparring partner. “They were scuffling on the floor…Brody was the aggressor and had five guys with him. When they finally got up Brody was bleeding.”

Although many reports say Jenner was struck with a broken bottle, the first source says, “There was no bottle with blood and no bottle broken or anything like that [visible].” Us Magazine

Avril says violence is never the answer. So is not walking away when some jackass starts talking sh*t apparently. Her answer to that is to engage verbally until her high pitched voice sets them off. Sadly, Avril had to find out the hard way what hurts more than words. Fists.

Avril Lavigne says 5 people jumped her last night and left her a bloody mess. Avril said, “My face is fucked.” Her boyfriend Brody Jenner was smashed in the head with a bottle and left bloody as well when he tried to jump in to break it up.

“I don’t fight. I don’t believe in it. To clear things up I got attacked by 5 people last night out of nowhere. Not cool. My face is f**ked.”

She added, “As in black eye, bloody nose, hair ripped out, scratches, bruises and cuts. So not ok to be abusive to others. Violence is NEVER the answer.” TMZ

Violence is never the answer but sometimes it’s the solution. I could see why someone would want to jump Avril Lavigne though. Remember back when she was with her ex spitting on photogs? Maybe she spat on the wrong person. That’s why I always do a background check before I debase someone. Make sure they don’t fight back. Granted, this could have been unprovoked too. Maybe they just wanted to say hi and got carried away.

Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner are getting serious. That or they just don’t like thinking things through. I don’t blame them. Thinking is hard. Gatecrasher says Avril and Brody got matching lightning bolt tattoos at the opening of Mario Barth King Ink. Avril had it done on her forearm, Jenner behind his ear.

One source said, “They held hands openly and were kissing in a corner. Brody didn’t leave Avril’s side all night.” Last weekend, Brody also brought Avril home to meet his mother.

Avril’s ex-troll thing is reportedly happy for her as well. “He thinks Brody is a good guy and that it’s great the two of them are doing well.”

Whatever. Dereck is probably huddled in the corner of his cage right now crying into a bucket of cats (Ben & Jerry’s for trolls).

Even though Avril Lavigne recently got matching tattoos with her ex-husband Deryck Whibley, she’s probably not going back to that missing link. Guests spotted Avril and Brody Jenner hitting it off at a preview event for SBE’s Industry.

“Avril and Brody were cozying up in a banquette,” one eyewitness said. “The two were dancing, singing, drinking and having a blast.”

If they locked lips, none of our spies caught it, but they did stay until late into the night and left together in a group. “They definitely looked extremely friendly,” the source said.

This makes sense. Avril is sort of hot when she’s not bloated looking. She never looked like she belonged with Deryck. Every time they were together I expected to see Deryck shoving a gun into Avril’s back.

After 15 months of dating, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole have broken up. Jayde hit up Twitter to write “Sometimes when you truly love someone you have to let them go…..’ I never really understood that quote until now.” Then she took a 12 girl deep crew to Hyde Lounge in West Hollywood to celebrate. On Dec. 19 she took the party to Manor in Chicago where she flirted with everybody and told people that Brody dumped her because he was turning gay. Oh, I’m sorry. That was my interpretation. Brody broke up with her because he “needed to find himself.”

Brody, currently in Australia “finding himself”, Tweeted: “So I decided to stay in Australia BY MYSELF!!! Hahaha this is Crazy. Might just stay here and start a new life.” In contrast, Jayde was at Manor doing Jager bombs until probably 4 a.m.

God, what an ass. If Brody told me he was dumping his ex-Playmate girlfriend who rides into clubs with 12 single, presumably, hot girlfriends to get drunk, I’d probably laugh at him and ask what the punchline was. Then when he told me he wasn’t joking, I’d probably have to excuse myself to go cry into a pillow I drew boobs on.

Joe Francis must be impressed with himself. Fresh off his beating of former Playboy centerfold Jayde Nicole, Francis puffed up his chest and threatened to kick Brody Jenner’s ass too (read: drag him to the floor by his hair). His exact words were, “If I see Brody Jenner, he is dead.” He then added that Jenner has the smallest penis he’s ever seen. Penis size is very important to Joe Francis.

Of course, Francis said this before he unexpectedly ran into Jenner minutes later inside the Star Magazine party. Did Francis deliver that ass kicking to Jenner? Page Six has the shocking details.

“Brody’s boys stood up as soon as they saw Joe. Lo Bosworth told them all to calm down and not do anything crazy. Brody and his pals walked out giving Francis dirty looks. Francis stood there with his tail between his legs. He looked scared [bleep]less.”

Joe Francis is like one of those kids that talk a big game but rarely do anything besides get stuffed into a trash can. He’ll probably come up with excuses like, “Brody Jenner had backup” or “I didn’t want to cause a scene” or “Brody got a haircut which gave him an unfair advantage” or “I had to run to the bathroom because I peed myself.”

Jayde Nicole as the header because she’s much prettier than Joe Francis.

Jayde Nicole during happier, less bruised times

I take it back. Brody Jenner did punch Joe Francis in the face after Francis punched and kicked his girlfriend Jayde Nicole. Good for him. Finally, someone with balls who doesn’t let lawyers do the fighting for them.

According to Jenner, he and Jayde were at Guys & Dolls celebrating his birthday where they saw Francis “unrelentingly” hitting on an ex-girlfriend who both Nicole and Jenner knew. Nicole felt he was harassing her and threw a drink on Francis. Francis, being the scholar and the gentleman he is, pulled Nicole by the hair, punched her in the face, threw her to the ground and began kicking her.

Jenner started yelling at Joe which caused both of them to be thrown out. Although, I think the proper reaction instead of yelling would be to smash Francis in the face with an ashtray, but I digress. Jenner tried to get back in to check on Jayde but security wouldn’t let him. That’s when he saw Joe and punched him in the face. The next thing he knew, someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Ooook.

Jayde suffered a black and blue cheek, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore lower abdomen and hair loss (from the girly hair pulling administered by Joe Francis). Video of Jayde describing the incident here.

That Joe Francis is quite the little bitch. He can’t even fight a girl with dignity. I bet if he ever got into it with a guy he might literally pee himself. You’d think that only happens in movies, but you’d be wrong because, look, he’s doing it, right there, in front of us.

Joe Francis is a douchebag and probably regards Chris Brown with great admiration so it’s only fitting the cops are looking for him because he punched Playboy’s 2008 Playmate of the year Jayde Nicole at a club this morning.

According to Nicole, the attack happened after she spilled her drink on Francis. She says Francis became enraged and grabbed her by the hair, punched her, threw her to the ground where he kicked her.

One of Jayde’s friends tried to fight him off and Francis allegedly hit that girl also. Security was called in to try and break it up. Jenner tried to grab Francis’ and ended up ripping his shirt. Francis then ran out of club and hasn’t been seen since.

Earlier in the evening, Brody and Jayde attended at Stoli vodka party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and seemed anything but a happy couple.

Spywitnesses told RadarOnline.com that the two stayed away from each other most of the night. They had a big table for themselves and their friends but Jade huddled with her girlfriends and Brody stayed with his male pals checking out the barely dressed girls dancing around a stage. Despite ignoring each other most of the night they left together and headed out clubbing.

Somewhere Chris Brown is giving Joe a golf clap. Everywhere else, guys are hitting heavy bags in preparation for running into Joe and beating him like he stole the last slice of pizza. Where was Brody in all this? Cowering in the corner? What a good boyfriend. It’s just as well he didn’t stand up for his girlfriend who was punched and kicked on the ground. Watching him fight would be embarrassing. He’d probably be throwing arm punches while cocking his head way back so he doesn’t mess up his hair. If Brody was a real man, Joe would be real easy to find. He’d be the guy with a steel-toed boot stuck in his ass.

Here’s Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole out in LA on Monday.

Brody Jenner, son of Bruce Jenner and The Hills regular, has signed with MTV to do six episodes of Bromance. The reality show pits contestants against each other in challenges to see who’ll ultimately become Brody’s bitch in his entourage.

Along the way, contestants will be whittled down via “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies” after which rejected “bros” will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand. Bringing to mind various dating reality shows, contestants also will have shots at a “group date” and “alone time” with Jenner in every episode.

This is possibly the most homoerotic description for a tv show ever. They might as well have put, “contestants will be fucked in the ass by Brody to see who’s really man enough to hang with him.” The prize sucks too. The only upside to being in Brody’s entourage is that you have a chance at getting Brody Jenner’s sloppy seconds. The downside is not even Brody Jenner’s sloppy seconds will sleep with you. You should just drown yourself if you even consider applying for this.

Lindsay Lohan is back drinking again. The unemployed actress partied at the Beatrice Inn with Stavros Niarchos and Brody Jenner on Friday and had at least two vodka cocktails. One report claims Lindsay was all over Brody, while another says she was all over Stavros. And yet another, mine, says she was all over both because she’s a slut and that’s what sluts do.

“Lindsay is learning how to work through her addictions and, once in a while, she chooses to have a cocktail,” says a friend, attempting to explain. “People overexaggerate her behavior when in fact on Friday night, many people commented to her on how composed she was.”

One source contends that drinks were showing on Linds on Friday. Confronted by paparazzi at the Beatrice, “she started going berserk,” claims a witness. “She didn’t want them taking shots of her with Brody.”

Lindsay has nothing else to do besides drink, be belligerent and screw. The last movie she was in was nominated for a Razzie. Her most famous movie was Mean Girls and before that, The Parent Trap. At what point do you stop living in the past and admit you’re done. If she’s like me, never. I’m still telling people stories about the time I shoved 30 marshmallows in my mouth and managed to still be able to say “chubby bunny.” Take that Janet Rud and Catherine “Casey” Fish.

Brody Jenner didn’t want to be just another nobody which is why a plan was devised to exaggerate his fame. He wanted to be the chosen one. The one to make Nicole Richie eat again. The scheme was formulated in early August by his agent, Spencer Pratt. Pratt suggested,

“Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you’re gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that sh–, bro. You’ll be, like, a f—ing hero to America.”

Not content to just use Nicole Richie, Jenner wanted anyone in front of a camera. He goes on to say,

“Basically,” says Jenner, 23, “I made it, like, my mission to try to go on a date with every girl on The Hills.”

Also included in his plan was Lindsay Lohan who he would later meet at club Hyde. Oh, but he’s above all this Hollywood B.S.

“This whole scene, this whole town – it’s so fake,” he says. “It’s like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think it’s real, but it’s not.”

Suffice it to say, Brody’s fed up with L.A. and wants a real girl. A nice normal girl. Coincidentally, that’s the basis for his MTV reality show.

“Actually, you know, that’s gonna be a component of our new MTV show – me leaving L.A. to meet a normal girl. It might be hard, though, with all the cameras.”

Ladies, don’t let this one get away. I know a catch when I see one and this Jenner guy is the white whale. Sure, he probably has innumerable stds, but that’s what modern science is for. You’re overlooking his finer qualities. Just imagine, you’ll be dating a man in the dictionary. His picture is right next to the word “douchebag.”

After the awesomeness of Shanna Moakler punching Paris in the face (it will never get old, never never), Paris broke it off with Travis Barker because “Paris realized this was not what she needed in her life right now.” And you people say this girl isn’t bright.

Continuing with the Paris / Nicole double news, MSNBC says Nicole Richie’s new man is Samuel Plouchart, a fashion editor at the French Magazine Citizen K. Nicole quipped “new boy, new look.” I think she’s serious.

Meanwhile, Brody Jenner, Nicole’s ex, confided that at the end of their relationship, she didn’t treat him like a friend or boyfriend, but he cared deeply and even tried to help Nicole with her weight problem. A source says:

“He tried to help her gain weight. When she’d eat a few bites and stop, he’d say, ‘Finish that!’”

As funny as that is, he should have followed it up with “You fat pig!” and stuffed a handful of cake in her mouth.