Hey, anyone interested in “leaked” footage of a 40-something-looking ex-Playmate making out with another chick and having pretend sex with a guy? Sure you are. Why are you running away?

In the clearly staged, clearly desperate viral video above, Carmen Electra is seen cavorting about with one chick and one dude in her own Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart moment. The biggest giveaway that this is fake is that there’s absolutely no nudity. Not even tits. This should be called Three Minutes and Fifteen Seconds of Frustration. This isn’t even realistic. Does anyone spray champagne around like that? Can someone like Carmen Electra even afford to be doing that? This would be more believable if afterward Carmen got a really worried what-have-I-done look in her eyes, fell to her knees and tried to lick as much it off the floor as possible.

By it, I mean the paparazzi following her. She has a decent body for her age (judging by her face, 60?), no doubt, but she can stand to use a little more makeup. A gallon of eye shadow here, a gallon of blush there. She’ll be looking pleasantly unrecognizable in no time. Right now though. She looks like some monster that crawled out of the ocean. Like she should be covered in seaweed and eviscerating small animals for food. If this thing came up to me, the first thing I’d do is make a cross with my fingers and back away slowly making sure not to make any sudden movements.

Last night in Vegas, Carmen Electra went topless during her debut in The Crazy Horse Paris Show. Shocking news since, when was the last time she’s done that?!

Carmen, who will be starring in the show for six nights, enticed the audience by donning high heels, stockings and suspenders while cavorting on a sofa shaped like a giant pair of lips.

Her second routine, called Chain Gang, saw the Playboy pin-up caged like a wild animal and sent temperatures soaring by revealing one boob with a tassel covering her modesty.

The only good thing to come out of this is that plastic surgery has made Carmen Electra’s boobs look ageless. Other than that, be glad they caked as much makeup as they could on Carmen. If they didn’t, you’d half-expect someone in the audience to scream “Grandma?!”

Update: Higher quality NSFW pics below.

For some reason, Maxim Mexico thought people wanted to see Carmen Electra topless again. Thankfully they photoshopped the old out of her. And if that doesn’t get you to drive down to Mexico to pick up the latest issue, they also have a list of beer you should try, NASCAR and a day in Pornoland which sounds sexy. Unless the Pornoland they’re talking about is a place where a bunch of men line up and jerk off to porn. Then that wouldn’t be sexy at all. That would be unfortunate.

As an avid collector of sex toys, specifically handcuffs, Carmen Electra scours sex shops around the world to find the best stuff. But her favorite sex aid isn’t one she found halfway across the world, it’s one that comes right from her closet. A wire coat hanger. Um.

The actress/model refuses to go into details about how she uses her homemade sex aids, but admits she’s found a hot new use for hangers.
She teases, “A little pleasure, a little pain. It’s all about fun.”
The current Playboy pin-up tells the magazine she’s a big collector of sex toys and visits the world’s top boutiques to stock up.
Electra, who is engaged to rocker Rob Patterson, adds, “I love going to different sex shops… and collecting the coolest handcuffs and naughtiest lingerie. That’s exciting for me.”

Yea, I’m sure being hit with a metal coat hanger is real fun for the guy. Her fiance was probably expecting one of those soft, leathery whips, but instead he gets something that would be considered cruel and unusual even in Mediaeval times. Wait. You don’t think. She doesn’t straighten it out and stick it down his pee-hole, does she? Oh, god. I bet she does. I bet that’s why guys stay with her for so long. They probably think if they break-up with her, she’ll cuff them to the bed and just jamb that thing in there like she was trying to unclog a drain.

Once upon a time there was a magical princess named Carmen Electra. She was the fairest maiden in the land. Men desired her, women wanted to be her and Carmen was happy. But, one day something terrible happened. Carmen turned 35. Her looks faded faster than normal. It was as if a curse had been placed upon her. Now, photographers would photograph her out of politeness rather than desire while men turned to other women. Carmen had no other skills other than standing there and looking pretty. Now she couldn’t even do that. The moral of this story is Carmen should have had sex with me a few years ago. Now it’s too late. Unless she changed her mind? Did she? Because I can make an exception.

There comes a point in every celebrity’s life that time begins to take the one thing they thought would never leave them. The only thing that garnered them such attention. The only reason they decided to forgo college and find a career as an actress / model. The only quality they thought they’d ever need for the rest of their lives. Beauty. Carmen Electra. Much like Pamela Anderson before you, your time has come. Don’t get me wrong. Your boobs are still awesome and your body is still bangin’, but your face. It’s just not… how can I put this delicately? It’s just not the type of face kids want to beat off to these days. Oh, don’t be sad. You can still be successful and old. Maybe you’d have great success in an office or behind a desk or somewhere where all these pesky camera flashes aren’t going off. Here, why don’t you try this broom closet I emptied out for you. I mean, at least until Jessica Alba finishes walking by.

Carmen Electra was at the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu in a bikini for what looked to be an impromptu photo shoot. Trying to claw your way out of obscurity is never attractive. Unless you have big boobs. In that case, it’s very attractive since big boobs jiggle a lot.

Carmen Electra was at a signing for her book How to Be Sexy. Pretty exciting stuff. Although, you have to wonder. If you need a book to teach you how to be sexy, then maybe you’re just not cut out for the job. Better to stick to what you know. I hear Vons has a sale on cookie dough. Whoa there, sit back down. I was just kidding about the sale.

Carmen Electra performed at the Dinah Shore lesbian concert last week. Her mission was to turn on what I believe to be throngs of horny, bi-curious, scantily clad, busty lesbians embroiled in a feathery pillow fight. I dare say she succeeded and then some. Her sexiness also managed to reach thousands of overeager men who have yanked their penises to near oblivion. A lot more hot pictures after the jump.

At the Max Factor Salutes Hollywood Fashion Show, Carmen Electra realized walking is hard. Apparently, the runway was made of ice. Someone came out to help, but ended up doing her best impression of a penguin sliding into the water. It’s just another day in the life of a model. Maybe next time they won’t be so presumptuous in thinking they can walk and chew at the same time. Silly things.

Update: Video after the pics. Wow, she completely wipes out and falls on her ass. I give it a 9.5.

I’m not sure why, but I kind of want to drink a Coke while wearing a bikini right now. It’s really strange.

The 33rd Annual People’s Choice Awards were held last night. I didn’t watch it because I was busy eating. Also, I had no idea it was on yesterday. It’s not liked it mattered much because as long as we have pictures of all the pretty people then everything is gravy.

Among the arrivals were Hayden Panettiere, Christina Applegate, Carmen Electra, Ali Larter, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Aniston, Katherine Heigl and Halle Berry. I’m not sure why, but Jennifer Aniston just annoys me in the pictures. Halle Berry was really gold and Ali Larter is relevant again. Sadly, Cameron Diaz is now lonely in addition to dumb. Err, sad for her, not anyone else. A lot more after the jump.

Ali Larter

Cameron Diaz

Carmen Electra

Christina Applegate

Eva Longoria

Halle Berry

Hayden Panettiere

Jaime King

Jennifer Aniston

Katherin Heigl