A week or so ago, Carrie Fisher got drunk or went off her meds while performing…. something on a cruise ship. There was dog poop involved.

She seems to be in a better place now as she sounds more sane during an interview with Palm Beach Illustrated. Unless she’s totally lying about reprising her role as Princess Leia in the next Star Wars.

PBI asked Carrie to confirm whether she’ll return as Princess Leia to which she simply answered “yes.” Asked what the character would be like today, “Elderly. She’s in an intergalactic old folks’ home [laughs]. I just think she would be just like she was before, only slower and less inclined to be up for the big battle.”

They also wanted to know whether she’s still wearing the bagel buns. “The bagel buns and the bikini, because probably she has sundowners syndrome. At sundown, she thinks that she’s 20-something. And she puts it on and gets institutionalized.”

Don’t even joke about putting old Princess Leia in a bikini. That’ll ruin every fantasy anyone ever had about Princess Leia. It’s like explaining how a magic trick works or seeing a picture of Katy Perry without makeup. It’s the adult version of telling someone Santa Claus isn’t real.

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Carrie Fisher slurred her way through a couple of songs on a Caribbean cruise ship last week while her dog pooped and peed on the floor. Standard Caribbean cruise ship stuff. Or so it seemed.

While people thought she was just drunk, her rep says she suffered a breakdown because of her bipolar disorder and that she went to the hospital to “adjust her medication.” That’s code for “stuck her with an iv until she sobered up.”

I’m not even sure why this is such a big story. You’re on a cruise in the Caribbean. It’d be weird if you didn’t seem drunk. If you’re not slurring your way through at least one song and picking up at least one turd off the floor, people start thinking you’re a terrorist.

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Not even J.J. Abrams may be able to save Star Wars VII if George Lucas gets his way. Rumors are he’s asked Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher if they’d like to reprise their roles in the next film.

No contracts have been signed but Hamill says Lucas won’t cast other actors in their parts if they weren’t interested and that he’d just write them out. Hamill said he’d prefer if the entire original cast returned.

Either way, I have no idea how Lucas will use the original cast. Hamill looks more like Darth Vader than Luke Skywalker now. It might turn into another Crystal Skull incident but instead of wondering “WTF, aliens?,” people will just be sitting there all depressed thinking to themselves, “Man, Luke really let himself go,” and “Slave Leia looks a lot different than I remember. Maybe they should just not save her this time.”

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Carrie Fisher hit up Friday’s Laker game and she looked like this. Like a 6-year-old who got into her mother’s makeup drawer. I’ve seen epileptics put on makeup better than this. Her stylist should just tattoo numbers on her face so she can just paint by them the next time she goes out.

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Last year, Carrie Fisher participated in The Advocate’s monthly Can I Be Blunt? column where she said “We don’t really care that John Travolta is gay.” She’s back for The Advocate this month to promote her HBO special Wishful Drinking and once again claims that no one cares Johan Travolta is gay.

In the September 2009 issue of Out, you participated in its monthly Can I Be Blunt? column by sharing 10 things that gay men should know about straight women. One of those things was, “We don’t really care that John Travolta is gay.” I know you and Travolta go way back, so let’s get really blunt here: Does his legal team have any business demanding Gawker remove a recent post suggesting that he’s given blow jobs?
Wow! I mean, my feeling about John has always been that we know and we don’t care. Look, I’m sorry that he’s uncomfortable with it, and that’s all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be.

This is shocking. To no one. Hearing that John Travolta is gay is like hearing that Jessica Simpson gained some weight. Even though they don’t want to admit it, we all know it’s true but are tired of pointing it out because all they do is deny it and then seek comfort in the arms of a man. Or an ice cream sandwich.

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Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia in the Star Wars trilogy, admitted to the AAP that she did coke on the set of The Empire Strikes Back and that she didn’t even like it, she just wanted to get high.

“We did cocaine on the set of ‘Empire’, in the ice planet,” Fisher told Australian newswire AAP, referring to the setting of the second film in the original “Star Wars” trilogy.

“I didn’t even like coke that much, it was just a case of getting on whatever train I needed to take to get high,” she said while visiting Sydney for her “Wishful Drinking” stand-up comedy show.

Unlike Lindsay Lohan who blames everyone and everything for her problems, Carrie doesn’t use her broken family or the pressures of Hollywood as an excuse for her addiction. Even though her mother, Debbie Reynolds, was married to Eddie Fisher who left them for Elizabeth Taylor, Carrie said, “It’s always been my responsibility. If it was Hollywood (to blame), then we’d all be dope addicts.”

Wow. A rational and mature perspective on what her life was and is now. No wonder this bitch isn’t famous anymore. She’s boring. Where are the threesomes, dead hookers and blow? Do you want to make it in this town or not?

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