Us Weekly (via Celebitchy) claims that Leighton Meester, at the November 10th  CMA Awards to promote her supporting role in Country Strong, was nervous before presenting an award and that, luckily, Carrie Underwood was backstage to calm her down.

Carrie said to Leighton, “Get out there and don’t f-ck up,” which ended up making Leighton even more nervous. Go figure.

The source added, “Later, someone said to Carrie, ‘That was mean,’ and Carrie said, ‘She’ll get over it. Someone said that to me once and I got over it.’”

This is like that movie Pay It Forward but instead of doing a good deed, everyone acts real bitchy to each other but hopefully they still end up wrestling in sheer clothes in the rain. That happened in the movie, right?

Married for four months, Carrie Underwood said in an ABC Special that she’s not planning on having kids with Mike Fisher anytime soon. “We just want to be together and keep it as simple as possible. And I think a baby would just make things so complicated right now,” she said. Good. If I was Mike, I’d be pretty pissed if my wife decided to get fat four months into the marriage.

Carrie says she doesn’t go out and party either. She’d rather “go see a movie with friends or… like get together and play board games, or, something silly like that.”

She also says that while her husband chops wood, plays hockey and is outdoorsy, he also likes to shop.

Ha. What a queer. Get a load of this, you guys. Mike Fisher loves to shop. *Dangles limp wrist in air and begins speaking with a lisp* Oh, I just love theeth shoeth Carrie. They are thoooo thliming. But do you think blue will bring out the color of my eyeth?

Haha. Now let’s see what other minorities I can offend today.

It’s Friday and you’re all probably off work right now which means you’re not visiting this site but you should because I post stuff like Carrie Underwood performing in her hot little outfit on the Today Show. God, she’s so sexy. If I could get past security, I might hump her leg so hard that I’d give her multiple fractures.

Carrie Underwood is on vacation in Tahiti and, what is that man doing to her. Get off her, you brute. Stop defiling her this instant!

Carrie Underwood was named the favorite Country Music Artist at the People’s Choice Awards and was given a nice, shiny trophy. Luckily, whoever designed it thought it’d be funny to make it phallic. Which is great because almost all the winners either kissed it or licked it. Photoshopping myself into these pictures is going to be so much easier now.

Perhaps you heard. Mike Fisher gave Carrie Underwood an engagement ring. An expensive sounding flawless yellow diamond that she was flashing at the Ottawa Senators vs Boston Bruins game.

What you probably haven’t heard about is the ring I gave my girlfriend. It’s made out of air. It’s invisible. To see it, you just have to believe. Top that, Mike Fisher, you big showoff.

Having quietly dated for the past year, Ottawa Senator hockey player Mike Fisher has proposed to Carrie Underwood. At a press conference on Monday, Fisher confirmed:

“It’s true,” he said. “We’re both obviously excited and very happy.”

In related news, if Carrie Underwood took Mike Fisher’s surname, she’d be known as Carrie Fisher aka the girl who played Princess Leia. Hoping to get the world exclusive report, I used cutting edge image manipulation to re-imagine what Carrie Underwood would look like had she played Princess Leia (up top). When I showed my masterpiece to a 5-year-old, he ran away screaming and crying. That’s right. Run away, boy. Just like you do with all your problems!

Carrie Underwood was in the Bahamas over the weekend prancing around in a bikini and flirting with me through paparazzi shots. Damn. Can she be any more transparent? I told you, Carrie. I can’t go public with this right now. I have a celebrity blogger image to maintain. That of me half-laughing/half-crying to myself while typing with my pants off. You’ll ruin it for me.

Carrie Underwood is dating Ottawa Senators player Mike Fisher and either she’s really embarrassed about it or she saw me in the stands drawing a heart in the air with my fingers. Again.

To clear things up, I asked about her relationship with Fisher and Underwood said, “Mike? Mike who? What’s an Ottawa Senator? Hockey? No, no, what’s that? Where am I? Ahhh! Rape! Rape!”

Rosie O’Donnell vs Donald Trump, Lily Allen vs The Media and Amy Winehouse vs Random strangers on the street. Now add Carrie Underwood vs Jessica Simpson to that list of famous feuds. In a war that has been brewing ever since Jessica hooked up with Tony Romo, Carrie has finally laid down some offense by calling Jessica fat.

“She finds Jessica’s love of putting her life on display pretty desperate,” a pal of the “Before He Cheats” singer tells OK!. “She laughed at the People cover, because it’s the same one Jess did about John Mayer — same smile, same look, except she’s a little fatter.” (Comparison of the covers here via Celebitchy)

Oh no she di’nt. *Snaps fingers* I’ve said it over and over again. The only logical way to settle disputes between two hot chicks is to put them in string bikinis and throw them into a pool of Jell-O. You could argue that I’m sexist, but you gotta admit, I have great ideas.

The National Enquirer reports that goofy looking Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps and American Idol contestant, Carrie Underwood, have planned their first date after days of texting. No details on where they plan to go, but it will probably be a non-eating affair.

“I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

“Carrie needs someone who is going to stick by her,” a skeptical pal of Carrie’s revealed to the National Enquirer. “She was devastated when her relationship with Tony Romo broke. The last thing she needs is a relationship with another high-profile celebrity who’s going to end up loving and leaving her.”

Yea, yea. Carrie’s “feelings”. Whatever. More importantly, did you know Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day while training? His breakfast consists of:

— three fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayo
— one five-egg omelets
— a bowl of grits
— three slices of French toast with powdered sugar
— three chocolate chip pancakes
— two cups of coffee

For lunch, Phelps drinks 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks, one pound of pasta with tomato sauce and two large ham and cheese sandwiches (with mayo) on white bread.

For dinner, Phelps’ meal consists of six to eight slices of pizza, another pound of pasta with tomato sauce, and 1,000 calories of energy drinks.

This is otherwise known as the “Britney Spears Diet.” Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

It’s hard to tell from these dotty and dark pictures, but if you stare really hard you can see Carrie Underwood in a bikini. If you still can’t see her after 3 minutes, pretend this is one of those magic eyes. That’s what I did. I saw a unicorn flying through a rainbow. So pretty.

You know, I’ve never listened to country music. But if they all look like this, I think I’ll start. Your dress though. It does not accentuate the bosom. And where’s your cowboy hat? Don’t all y’all wear them cowboy hats? Don’t matter none. Y’all look alike anyway. Where is you from? Georgia? Arkansas?

Ahh, the CMAS. The only awards show where you valet park your horse. I tried to attend, but they wouldn’t park my pony. They asked me why I was hopping around with a mop between my legs. Imbeciles! Don’t worry Jangles, one day they’ll let us in. One day… – Captain Swarthy