Casey Affleck finally comes clean and admits his new mockumentary I’m Still Here, which Roger Ebert called “a sad and painful documentary that serves little useful purpose other than to pound another nail into the coffin,” was all fake.

He tells the New York Times that none of the scenes in the movie were real. Not even the opening sequence showing Joaquin and his siblings swimming in a water hole in Panama. That actors were used, that even Joaquin Phoenix’s publicist was in on it and that not even David Letterman had any idea.

“It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career,” Mr. Affleck said. He was speaking of Mr. Phoenix’s two-year portrayal of himself — on screen and off — as a bearded, drug-addled aspiring rap star, who, as Mr. Affleck tells it, put his professional life on the line to star in a bit of “gonzo filmmaking” modeled on the reality-bending journalism of Hunter S. Thompson.

“I never intended to trick anybody,” said Mr. Affleck, an intense 35-year-old who spoke over a meat-free, cheese-free vegetable sandwich on Thursday. “The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

When Joaquin Phoenix showed up one day looking like a bum, crazy and ranting about being a rapper, the first thing everyone said was, “this is fake.” There wasn’t one day when anyone thought this was real. Even when people found out Joaquin’s performance was for a movie, they called it a mockumentary. This is about as shocking as finding crabs on Paris Hilton’s bed sheets.

Joaquin Phoenix is still filming his mockumentary with Casey Affleck. Early Thursday morning, Phoenix took his act a little further while performing at club LIV at Fontainbleau Hotel in Miami, getting into a fake fight.

Joaquin began his set by unintelligibly mumbling over a beat played by the DJ when a fan started heckling him. The actor responded, “We have a fucking bitch in the audience.” When the guy didn’t stop, he went on, “I’ve got $1 million in the bank. What have you got, bitch?” From there, Joaquin daintily jumped into the audience and tried to beat on him.

Security eventually separated the two and, wouldn’t you know it, Casey Affleck just happened to be in the right place at the right time and got everything on tape.

If Joaquin wants to make this more believable, he should speak up. I can’t understand half of what he’s saying. For all I know, he could be rapping about my mother being a whore. I’d be pretty mad if I didn’t hear it as, “I like cooking smores.”

Was anyone else hoping that girl’s top would get pulled down in the melee?

Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t joking when he announced he was retiring from acting to focus on his music career. The Hollywood Reporter says that not only is he plowing ahead with his new career path, but his brother-in-law Casey Affleck will document Phoenix’s journey to become the world’s next rap superstar. Oh, yea. I forgot to mention. Joaquin Phoenix wants to be a rapper.

Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club, which will officially kick off Affleck’s shoot.

Um. Really? I thought the only white people who dreamed of becoming rappers were suburban kids with no lyrical talent whatsoever. Now you’re telling me 34-year-old Oscar-nominated actors have this same dream? Consider my mind blown. If Joaquin starts wearing gold chains with big dollar symbols around his neck, then I’ll have no choice but to go to every one of his concerts and throw my used boxers at him.

A few days ago, Joaquin Phoenix abruptly announced his retirement from acting to E! News. E! released the footage of the public resignation and it shows a completely out of it Joaquin slurring his way through a short retirement speech. Afterward, Casey Affleck was caught off guard and gave a hurried and mumbled, “Yea, he’s getting into music. Uh, I don’t know. You probably… he’s put out an album… I gotta go do this,” before he bolted off.

I could barely understand a word of what Joaquin said. Are you sure he retired or was he saying the men’s room was out of toilet paper? I’m not sure. Either way, you should watch this clip if not for the entire awkward conversation, then for the part where the interviewer puts his hand on his shoulder and laughs which causes Joaquin to look him dead in the eye and ask, “Why are you laughing?,” before leaving offended.

Weird. This is almost the exact same conversation I have with the women I hit on.