Jessica Alba, Cash Warren, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony all attended the Costume Institute Gala celebrating Alexander McQueen in New York last night. Jennifer Lopez showed up with her serious face. She looked like someone called her fat 5 minutes before. Lopez wore a red number that made her look like a hellish version of the Ice Queen. Then later when her husband Marc Anthony went to greet Jessica Alba, Jessica recoiled in fear. These two sound delightful!

If you’ll remember, Lindsay Lohan was said to have been making out with Jessica Alba’s husband Cash Warren at Villa on Nov. 19. Sources screamed: “Lip on tongue,” and “It was raw. They were not shy!” Sources then got up on a table, took off their top and swung it around above their heads. I’m assuming these sources are attention whores.

Today, Lindsay issued a denial which is just as good as an admission. I got my law degree online.

“Cash Warren is a BUSINESS partner, nothing more, nothing less. And I have NO interest in anything but focusing on my career/work, as well as my family, and getting everyone holiday gifts! Eeeks-stressful!”

Going from Jessica Alba to Lindsay Lohan is like going from a fairy princess you wished for from a genie to a baboon that drinks its own pee. But what’s this about “business” partner? Lindsay doesn’t work. She doesn’t do much of anything except wander around LA with her straggly hair and wave her bony arms in the air for attention. Which makes this denial all the more insulting. She could have said they were collaborating on a cure for cancer and it would be more believable.

Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl last June. Now she wants another one. According to the National Enquirer:

“Jessica and Cash are working overtime to get pregnant. She and Cash are boasting that they love being parents and are determined to expand their family as soon as possible.”

On the surface, this seems innocuous, but what’s not being reported is that Cash is dosing Alba’s food with birth control pills. That way he can bang her without getting her pregnant for a year or two until she figures out something isn’t quite right.

Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl Saturday at Cedars-Sinai. Naturally, Alba named her Honor Marie Warren.

They just moved into a $4 million Beverly Hills home with their three dogs.

“It’s a lot of stress to buy a house, have a baby and get married in six months,” she recently told USA Weekend. “It’s a lot of life-changing decisions. I’m really, really secure and happy in my relationship.”

How sad. I was born at the wrong time and the wrong place. If I was born at Cedars-Sinai on Saturday too, I could have switched myself with Honor and I would have been the one gnawing on Jessica’s nipples. That lucky duck.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren secretly married Monday. The two wed in a courthouse ceremony without extravagances or friends or family. How antisocial.

They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Cash Warren impregnated Jessica Alba and now he’s married to her. What is this sorcery? Am I living in another dimension? Is down up and left right? This makes no sense at all. This is like if you took the world’s ugliest dog and beat it with a stick and it still tricks Jessica Alba into having sex with it, but this is actually much worse because you can’t run over Cash Warren like you could a dog. I mean, without people asking quesitons.

Despite Jessica Alba’s ever expanding waistline made possible by whatever is festering in her womb (thanks a lot Cash), she’s still attractive. As evidenced by these pictures of her attending her baby shower. Amazing since some pregnant women seem to lose it after the first month. This leads me to believe her baby will have a pretty good chance of being beautiful. Then again, there’s also a pretty good chance of it slithering out of her vadge, crawling up the wall and turning its head 360 degrees to spew forth vomit. God, I just want to know how this dude slept with Jessica Alba and convinced her not to call the cops. Was it because he had a knife? I bet it was because he had a knife.

In what may be news to some, Cash Warren has a social networking site called IBeatYou.com where people go to beat each other [off]. *Snicker* To promote it he made a lip dub video and convinced his pregnant girlfriend Jessica Alba to appear in the video. Not surprisingly, this pales in comparison to the time he convinced Jessica Alba to let him stick his penis in her.

The Fantastic Four star – who is seven months pregnant – is seen lip-synching to Panic At The Disco’s Back to the Streets in the video which has been posted on new site Ibeatyou.com, co-owned by Warren and his friend basketball player Baron Davis.

And the 26-year-old Latina has even posted a message on her Myspace Internet page, urging fans to sign up to the new site.

The statement reads, “Hey guys! Hope everyone had a great Easter. It’s hot here in socal (South California). Being preggers in this heat takes everything to another level.

“We shot a quirky group lip dub music video for ibeatyou. Check it out!! We invited a bunch of users from the site and put this together last Saturday. Be well guys and check out our music video…hope you get a good laugh.”

The best part about this video was that there were no ugly or really fat chicks in it. Just like in real life!

26-year-old Jessica Alba’s engagement to 29-year-old Cash Warren has been confirmed. The recently impregnated actress was spotted wearing a diamond ring (above) a couple of days ago. Brad Cafarelli, Jessica’s publicist, said succinctly,

“I can confirm that they are engaged.”

I understand the engagement, but why get someone as sexy as Jessica Alba pregnant in her prime? She’ll start eating a lot, her stomach will grow, she’ll get fat and in 9 months a screaming banshee you have to spend half your income on will pop out. Did I just describe hell for a 20-something?

Cash Warren is an ass. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, buddy. I want to give you something special, but I haven’t forged a bat hard enough or spiky enough to hit you in the balls with yet.

Jessica Alba’s rep confirms that she’s pregnant with Cash Warren’s child. The two met while working on The Fantastic Four where Cash was a director’s assistant and Jessica Alba played one of the lead roles. Jessica’s rep says,

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,”

When a director’s assistant can impregnate one of the most attractive women in the world, it gives me hope and at the same time, takes it away. Well played, you dick. I’m both in awe of your sorcery and concerned that an 800 lb. piano might make its way out of a tall building and onto your head. Hopefully, by the time that happens there’s still time to abort this fetus.