Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn’t been relevant to my interests since The Legend of Zorro in 2005. That’s six years ago. Her last movie was The Rebound in 2009. She’s flown so far off my radar that the only time I post about her is when she goes naked, goes crazy, admits to being bipolar or shows up on a yacht in St. Tropez in a bikini top like today.

Five minutes after posting this I’ll probably say “Catherine who?,” if I’m asked about her.

A week ago, Catherine Zeta-Jones checked herself into a health facility for bipolar II disorder, “a mental illness marked by prolonged periods of depression alternating with episodes of mild mania,” otherwise known in the DSM IV as “Charlie Sheen.”

Her breakdown started when she helped Michael Douglas battle throat cancer. Friends say she was privately struggling and with a new movie to film, she realized she needed help. “The simple things would just seem overwhelming, like going out to dinner,” says the close friend. “There was just a little piece of her chipped away. It was hard to watch because I knew how hard she was trying.”

Now she talks to PEOPLE about it in hopes she can inspire others to get help.

“This is a disorder that affects millions of people and I am one of them,” the actress, 41, tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement in this week’s cover story. “If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help.”

Sorry, Catherine. The only inspiration I need is thinspiration. *Looks at cupcake* *Looks at stomach* *Cries* *Cuts self*

Catherine Zeta-Jones has checked into a mental hospital to treat her bipolar disorder. This after she claimed a paparazzo punched her and screamed at a London hotel over and over “He puuuunched me. He puuunched me.”

“After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her Bipolar II Disorder,” her publicist said in a statement. “She’s feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week this week on her two upcoming films.”

Michael Douglas beat cancer so Catherine’s bipolar disorder will probably be manageable. These are like little life tests for the couple. If I were either of them, I’d start to think all this was some prank by god and he’s sitting in his underwear on his couch laughing at the tv that is their life.

So here’s the video of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones going off on the photog that Catherine said punched her. The video shows them getting out of their car as a million shuttering, flashing locusts descend upon them. When they make their way into the hotel, you can hear Catherine yell in her most classy, dramatic voice, “He puuunched me. He puuunched me.”

I guess I was wrong by the way. It was Michael Douglas who did the shoving. Also, no one is sure what really happened and it doesn’t look like the guy hit her with his camera and you can’t see any punch but whatever. There’s no stopping Michael Douglas when you put him in beast mode.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and the less but still frail looking Michael Douglas got into an altercation with a paparazzo after his camera hit her in the face outside a London hotel. To hear Catherine tell it though, he punched her.

She screamed, “I want a police officer right now. He punched me,” while shoving the guy away.

It looked like Catherine did most of the fighting while Michael gave the guy a little shove. Hopefully that’s all Michael did because if that guy pushed back, he may have broken every bone in his body.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is in the new issue of Allure and she’s naked. Magazine naked. Which means not really naked. She was naked in the shoot. But in the final pics she’s not naked. What I’m trying to say is: The people at Allure are a bunch of cockteases.

Michael Douglas is 65 and his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones is 40 (supposedly). And since men still get horny even in death, he’s enlisted the help of a few pills to assist him in the bedroom. Although I don’t see why he’d need to. Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hot. I’d be able to get it up for her at 80.

In an interview in the March/April issue of AARP magazine, Douglas, 65, admitted he uses modern medicine to satisfy wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, who’s 25 years his junior.

“God bless her that she likes older guys,” he said.

“And some wonderful enhancements have happened in the last few years — Viagra, Cialis — that can make us all feel younger.”

Okay, but that still doesn’t help the other awkward moments during sex. Like when he tries to finish off on Catherine’s face and instead of a real money shot, his penis just blows a puff of air like one of those eye tests.

Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up with Michael Douglas at the United Nations Association Global Leadership awards and she looked a little different. Like an Oompa Loompa with a bad sunburn. I haven’t seen her in a while. She didn’t always look like this did she? There’s no way I would masturbate to this and I’m fairly certain I’ve masturbated to her before. What gives?

Catherine Zeta-Jones was on hand in Sydney today to promote her new film, Death Defying Acts. Catherine laughed off rumors that she brushes her teeth with strawberries and washes her hair with caviar. She also admits that she won’t be playing any 19-year-old anytime soon because she’s a 38-year-old mother. In spite of this, expect her to get naked in her next film.

“In my next movie, which is an untitled movie at the moment, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me, put it that way,” she said.

“I’m not going to be playing old grannies anytime soon.

“You see, I haven’t actually reached my sexiest point yet.”

Catherine better not be trying to be cute. I’m not paying $10 to get into a theater just to jack off to her bare ass. I have better things to do. Can you guess what those things are? I’ll give you a hint. It’s along the lines of sitting in front of the tv alone eating my partially heated hot pockets and crying. Wait. Crap. I gave it away didn’t I?

Catherine Zeta-Jones credits shampooing with truffles and smearing beluga caviar in her hair for her shiny locks. The $400 caviar is flown in five days before her treatment to a beauty salon where she sips champagne and eats caviar canapes while being groomed.

“Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair,” said a source.

“She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy.

“The eggs are packed with omega-3 fatty acids necessary for the formation of structural proteins. It is these proteins that repair dry and damaged hair and smooth over any split ends.”

You wanna know what else works really well? Fresh human placenta. Yep, placenta gives my hair its vibrant color and extra bounce. It’s because placenta is packed with similar nutrients. Nutrients like omega-3 fatty acids and, uh, uterus juice.