In no sh*t news of the day, Charlie Sheen told reporters at Fox’s TCA party in Pasadena that he was insane last year but that “I’m not crazy any more. That was an episode.”

“I think I’m a different person than I was yesterday. Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality.”

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with the kids, a lot of time with the family and I’m getting back into work mode,” adding that he is goddess-free these days. “I’m a single guy hanging out with my children.” PEOPLE

Charlie Sheen regaining his sanity can be more attributed to him being broke than anything else. After running out of cash for his hookers and blow, all he’s left with is his stupid kids and a reality not distorted by drugs. It’s more of a sanity by circumstance than sanity by choice.

Charlie Sheen fielded a deluge of random phone calls after accidentally posting his phone number on Twitter. He originally wanted to send his digits as a DM to Justin Bieber writing “310-954-7277 Call me bro. C.”

He instantly received 1,800 texts in a matter of minutes and his phone melted down. Physically melted. Because his sh*t was blowin’ up. Charlie answered a few times saying things like “Ray’s Pizza” and “Winning.” The number has since been disconnected.

Though what people really want to know was why Charlie wanted to talk to Bieber. That conversation could have been really confusing. Charlie probably wanted to know how much a hot piece of ass like Selena Gomez cost and then Justin would have told him that he doesn’t pay for her and Charlie would go, “yea, I know you don’t pay MONEY for her, but what gifts did you have to buy her?” and it would keep going on and on until Charlie got distracted by a bird flying by his window. And by bird, I mean whore.

Charlie Sheen finally reached an agreement with Warner Bros. over his Two and a Half Men dispute. In two weeks, Sheen will get $25 million for work he already performed on the series and profits that have already accrued.

Over the next 7 to 10 years, Sheen will “earn” $100 million in syndication profits. This for being on a terrible show for 180 episodes.

Depending on the inflation rate of hookers and coke, he’ll be broke in about two years. Three if he switches to budget prostitutes.

Charlie Sheen presented at the Emmys last night and fellated his co-stars on Two and a Half Men wishing them nothing but success. It was painfully obvious he’s hurting for work and this was his Plan B as I’m sure he was devastated to find out the world doesn’t revolve around him and that Men would continue without him.

Backstage, Sheen supposedly gave Ashton Kutcher some advice. I imagine it consisted of him telling Ashton to get treatment for his bi-polar disorder if he has one, don’t piss off your bosses because they will terminate your million dollar per episode contract and asking if he had any blow.

In least surprising news of the day, Charlie Sheen says he’d be up to do a guest appearance on Two and a Half Men if they’d want him. Being broke really humbles a guy. Not that it’d happen since his character is killed off in the season premiere. Speaking with Matt Lauer on Today,

“Absolutely. If they wanted or needed it or thought that was a good idea, I’d be completely on board for that. There’s your closer. I’ll be in the final episode.”
Sheen then added: “Unless I’m really dead. There’s no body at the funeral. There’s no urn … I’m really curious about what happened to me. I’m not just looking at it just as what they’re doing forward but I’m looking at it as what I left behind and how they’re going to figure it out.” — EW

Sheen also talked about his Comedy Central roast. He doesn’t come outright and say it but it made him tear up a little inside and not in a good way.

“It was raunchy. They said to prepare yourself. I said ‘It’s just words.’ It wasn’t just words. They were very biting. If you’re going to roast a guy like me there can’t be any boundaries. I was sitting there like, ‘I volunteered for this? … Who would do that?’ But then I thought about it and it’s not an attack. It’s a celebration.”

Poor Charlie Sheen. May I remind you this is the same guy who put a knife to his ex-wife’s throat and scared a hooker bad enough that she locked herself in the bathroom until cops showed up. And take it from me, hookers don’t scare easy.

Here are videos from the weekend shamelessly culled from The Daily What.

First, we have Cry Baby Lane, the Nickelodeon horror movie that was so scary it was banned from being ever aired again on the network. Well, someone had a copy of it and put it on the internet. Enjoy.

Remember when Tila Tequila went to the Gathering of the Juggalos only to be pelted with rocks and feces? Charlie Sheen didn’t fare any better during his appearance. On the bright side, he caught most of the stuff people were throwing at him and none of them included feces. So at the very least, Charlie must feel a little better knowing he’s one rung above Tila on the Juggalo respect ladder.

Dennis Rodman was inducted to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Presumably because people were wondering what he’d say during his speech. He surprisingly didn’t embarrass himself. Too much.

X17 Online photographed recent rehab graduate Brooke Mueller, who’s the primary caretaker for her and Charlie Sheen’s two kids, last Friday holding onto what seems like a homemade crack pipe.

Brooke, disheveled and wearing a baggy shirt, sweatpants and heels aka crackhead chic, took off running when she realized a photog was taking pictures of her. Which seems like totally normal behavior for someone not doing drugs.

TMZ notes that she was recently photographed in a shady transaction near a car in Hawaii and also photographed trying to pawn jewelery in LA.

LA County DCFC has not visited either Charlie Sheen or Brooke Mueller for six months. They may have to now that these pictures are out. Charlie and Brooke’s case file must be the size of the Oxford English Dictionary.

As you may have read from your 24hr Charlie Sheen streaming news feed, Sheen is getting roasted on Comedy Central. And because Sheen is a self-obsessed jackass whose appetite for revenge is insatiable, the episode is airing on September 19, the same day as Ashton Kutcher’s debut episode of Two and a Half Men. A Comedy Central source tells Popeater, “If you think this is a coincidence then you are nuts.”

“This is Charlie getting the last laugh. He doesn’t care what they say about him at the roast as long as the show kills CBS in the ratings,” a friend of the actor’s tells me. “Charlie has a thick skin and can laugh at himself but if you hurt him, like he thinks Chuck Lorre did, then he doesn’t forget.”

Charlie is hoping a bunch of people making fun of him on a cable network will outdo the number one rated comedy on the national network known as CBS. Yea, tell me how that works out for you, Charlie Sheen. Not only is this guy a degenerate but he’s also delusional. The only last laugh he’ll have is a really uncomfortable one when he’s forced to howl at his own joke because no one else will.

On Tuesday, Charlie Sheen posted on his Twitter, “Heading to the Insane Clown Posse’s 12th Annual Gathering Of The Juggalos!! 8/13/11 WHY..? Cause I’m down with the clown. Whoop!! Whoop!!” This may turn out very good or very bad.

The last time a “celebrity” went to the Gathering was Tila Tequila. She ended up being hit with rocks, bottles, firecrackers and feces. But that may have been because Tila is an annoying attention whore. Although, that’s pretty much what Charlie Sheen is right now.

So there are two scenarios. Either the Juggalos anoint him king for a day and provide him with unlimited coke or he gets savagely beaten after propositioning a Juggalette for sex. Either way, it should be hilarious.

In related news, Charlie Sheen may be starring in a new sitcom produced by Joe Roth, who Charlie says is a big time movie producer. Hints given by Sheen say the show will be based on a movie that Joe Roth produced. A few ot these include Major League, Alice in Wonderland and Young Guns.

“Look through his films and you’ll see which one makes the most sense … and it’s not “Coup de Ville.”

The photog asked for another clue — the initials of the movie — and Charlie responded “A.M.” [TMZ]

No movies with those initials have been produced by Joe Roth but his former production company Revolution Studios did produce Anger Management starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson.

Anger Management? Well that doesn’t make sense. That show would be contradiction considering Sheen seems like such a happy guy.

Charlie Sheen sat around for a while mulling over what story he could tell that would get him more publicity. A couple lines of coke later he had an ah-ha moment and spoke to Sports Illustrated about using steroids for 8 weeks while filming Major League. Duh! Winning!

He tells Sports Illustrated, “Let’s just say that I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids. I did them for like six or eight weeks. You can print this, I don’t give a f**k. My fastball went from 79 (miles-per-hour) to like 85.”

Sheen eventually quit taking steroids after realizing the drug made it difficult for him to control his temper – and he came close to blows when strangers mocked the famous spiky haircut he sported for the 1989 movie.

He adds, “I didn’t like the haircut because it generated so many comments in bars. I’ve got enough of that already. Add that to the mix, and it’s a recipe for a fistfight.” [StarPulse]

Yes, because steroids are a magical drug that gives you superpowers and increases your fast ball from 79 mph to 85 mph. I’m sure those months of pitching practice didn’t help any. I’m also sure the fact that he was probably coked out of his mind didn’t play a part in making it harder to control his temper either.

Charlie Sheen’s last goddess, Natalie Kenly, finally realized she wasn’t getting 15 minutes of anything from Charlie so she packed up and left last week. She didn’t even get to keep the Mercedes Sheen bought her. Charlie isn’t too distraught though.

But still referring to himself in the third person, Sheen was cavalier about the split telling sources, it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen.”

And the ‘Masheen’ reportedly got to work no sooner than Kenly slammed his front door. The actor turned live tour talker turned his pad into a United Nations of sorts — bringing home women from Mexico, Australia and Colombia just hours after Kenly packed up and shipped out, sources told TMZ. That sounds like a healthy way to deal with the dissolution of a relationship, right? [Popeater]

Charlie Sheen is broke yet somehow manages to afford three escorts. He either must have a really good line of credit or he went with budget rent-a-hookers. Not a bad idea because, honestly, your prostitute doesn’t need ALL her teeth.

Charlie Sheen on the signing of Ashton Kutcher to replace him on Two and a Half Men: “Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer … Oh wait, so am I!! Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there.”

The gist of Charlie’s bitter rant is the show is going to tank because the age group he brought in will leave once Ashton Kutcher joins. Though why would it? I’m sure the people who suffered through Charlie Sheen will suffer through Ashton Kutcher. Two thirds of the audience must be sadomasochists anyway to sit through all that canned laughter. Not only that, Kutcher is bringing in a younger demo who actively buy products and don’t just sit there hoping their favorite Snuggie commercial comes on.

Charlie Sheen’s porn star goddess Bree Olsen left him. Possibly because he’s insane and she realized he’s no David Koresh after ticket sales for his tour have been underwhelming to say the least. Side note: It’s pretty weird no one wants to watch a drug addict incessantly begging to get back on Two and a Half Men, huh?

Anyway, a recent tweet from Bree broke the news. “It feels SO GOOD to be home! I was very homesick so it’s good to be back with my family and friends. I love home, Dr.Sniffles & you guys!” Sheen kicked off his Ft. Lauderdale show confirming Bree Olson had broken up with him via text message.

The actor kicked off the show by revealing that one of his goddesses, Rachel “Bree” Olson, had broken up with him via text message. During the Q&A session later, one fan asked Sheen how he handled two women at once without turning to polygamy. He replied, “Not well, because one left.”

So now that Bree Olson leeched as much publicity as she could off Charlie, she’s gone. Makes sense. No one in their right mind would stay with that guy unless they have a fantasy about od’ing on his bed.