Here’s Kristen Stewart giving the finger, jokingly, at the premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman. She’s probably saying to Charlize Theron, “Haha, f**k you, I’m the fairest of them all.”

And if by “fairest,” Kristen means “the whitest,” then she’s absolutely correct.

Kristen Stewart accidentally wandered up the stairs to Charlize Theron’s private jet without realizing it when she was to fly from Paris to London. Reports say she left embarrassed when had to shuffle over to her own plane after being denied.

I’m going to go ahead and file this under “First World Problems.” Coincidentally, those are the only problems I tend to have. “Oh, that’s your giant panda you ride to work on? My goodness. How embarrassing!”

Not sure if there have really been photos of Charlize Theron’s adopted kid Jackson but here she is carrying him through Charles De Gaulle International Airport in Paris.

The cool thing about adopting a baby of a different race is if he ever asks if he was adopted, you can just sarcastically go, “What do you think, dummy?”

According to this Us Weekly (via Page Six) report, Charlize Theron went on her second date with Alexander Skarsgard earlier this month at West Hollywood’s Soho House with friends. “She rested her head on his shoulder and they looked very couple-y.” A source says they’re involved but not on their way to becoming a couple. “It isn’t serious. And no, he has not met the baby.” Page Six might as well come out and say it. Theron and Skarsgard are casually banging. High five, Skarsgard.

The National Enquirer adds that their first date was at Hollywood gay bar Gym Sportsbar. Why a gay bar? According to a source, “They figured no one would notice them at a gay bar.”

Obviously that was a great plan since being one of the only two people of the opposite sex flirting with each other at a gay bar is usually very inconspicuous. They might as well have come in with a pinata filled with condoms.

Charlize Theron co-stars with Michael Fassbender in Prometheus (which just got a full trailer, see below) and she was also with him at the Human Rights Campaign Gala in LA where she verbally fellated Fassbender’s dong.

“Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it any time,” the new mom, 36, said at the Human Rights Campaign gala in Los Angeles, where she was honored with the Ally For Equality award, the L.A. Times reports.

“I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big,” she joked to Fassbender, 34, who later toasted the crowd himself from the podium. “Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. I know because I’ve worked with them.” PEOPLE

Charlize Theron was about a minute away from pushing her tongue into the side of her mouth, making a blowjob motion with her hands and winking at the guy. She’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Which is why she’s so awesome.

A rep for Charlize Theron confirms to PEOPLE that “She is the proud mom of a healthy baby boy named Jackson.” Which she adopted and not secretly gave birth to. Whew. *Wipes sweat off brow* I was worried I’d have to move and change my name again.

Charlize Theron tells W Magazine that she was an ugly kid until she turned 16. For the first eight years of her life, Charlize Theron didn’t have any front teeth because antibiotics rotted them out. Of course, her teeth eventually grew out and she went to Milan to model. She still has to pad her bra though. Celebrities. They’re just like us!

Like the “cutlets.” Mavis wears flesh-­colored glue-on gel-filled “breasts” over her real ones.
I wear those! If you don’t have boobs, you wear those cutlets. I heard a story of a girl who was on a date, started making out, and thought, Oh, he’s going to touch the cutlets! So she went to the bathroom to take them off, but her purse was too small to put them in there. I always thought that was a funny image, a woman not knowing what to do with these things that you stick onto your boobs. It’s just the most bizarre, unsexy thing there is—so I added that to Mavis.

Growing up in South Africa, were you always tall and blonde and beautiful?
For the first eight years of my life, I didn’t have front teeth. I was pretty sick as an infant, and antibiotics rotted them. But then I started to take dance classes, and I eventually got some teeth [laughs]. When I was 16, I went to Milan to model.

Did you dream of being an actress?
I wanted to be a ballerina, but I was too tall, and I had too many injuries. What I loved as a ballerina was telling stories, and I could also do that with acting, so I eventually moved to L.A. W Magazine

Oh, sure, sure. I was an ugly kid too. Too tall and my biceps were too bulgy. And I also wanted to be an international model but my features were too chiseled. Apparently if I had modeled, digital artists would be out of a job so they got together and banned me from the industry. True story.

Like every hot actress out there, Charlize Theron has her own ugly duckling story. Hers is the usual. Nerdy, glasses, crushes and a distinct lack of boyfriends.

“I wore really nerdy glasses because I was blind as could be and the boys didn’t like [me],” the actress, 36, told PEOPLE recently in New York. “I didn’t have any boyfriends, but lots of crushes.” PEOPLE

One thing different with her story is she was a borderline stalker of the popular girl in her class.

“I wasn’t in the popular crowd. There was a really popular girl at school and I was obsessed with her. I mean you would go to jail for that stuff today,” Theron says with a laugh. “I was in tears one day because I couldn’t sit next to her.”

Of course, she was teased relentlessly but learned to brush it off.

“I actually got a lot of the mean girl stuff from the ages of 7 to 12. I was pretty much a mess in primary school,” she admits. “But I got that out of my system by the time I got to high school and was more immune to all of that stuff.”

And look at her today. A hot, young, Oscar winning actress. If those boys could see her now. Actually, they probably do, only, they probably can’t see the double middle fingers Charlize Theron gives them every night. “Haha, screw you losers,” she screams at her yearbook before bed.

Here’s Charlize Theron attending the Gotham Awards last night in NYC. If Courtney Cox is the 99%, Charlize Theron is the 1%. Boo! Hiss! Let’s stage a protest called Occupy Charlize Theron. It’ll be a great excuse for sitting outside her house in a tent and watching her through the window with binoculars.

Charlize Theron covers the December issue of Vogue to promote her new film, Young Adult, directed by Jason Reitman and written by Diablo Cody (groan).

It’s a warm autumn evening in Los Angeles, and I’m sitting with Theron at a near-empty Japanese restaurant. Up the road, Barack Obama is wooing the beautiful and boldfaced at a $17,900-a-plate fund-raiser, and for hours, the Hollywood sky has rattled with helicopters. But this feels like a much better place to be, across a small table from the 36-year-old native South African and Oscar winner who director Jason Reitman (Up in the Air, Juno) says is “in every conversation about the greatest living actresses.” There’s also sake, poured in wooden boxes filled to the brim, so that one has no choice but to lean over, inelegantly dip one’s nose, and slurp it like a Labrador retriever. Which now I do.

Theron laughs loudly. “That’s why I ordered it,” she says. “To make you do that.”

I’d been warned about Theron. Good warnings. She is an actress who doesn’t take herself seriously, who loathes phoniness, who chooses not to live in a gilded fantasy of air kisses and fake compliments, and is not afraid of an adult beverage, a pointed jab, or a scattering of F-bombs.Vogue

Charlize seems pretty cool. Though she should have gave the interviewer a weird look like “what the hell are you doing?” just to make him feel even more awkward. Like I always say, you don’t really know a person until you embarrass them in public.

Charlize Theron has babies on the brain. In an interview with In Touch, Charlize says, “I want a baby. If it would happen tomorrow I would still be very happy about it.”

She’s even considering adopting. “Why not?,” she asks, “I’m open to everything in life.” Much like her legs. Amirite? Guys? Because she wants a baby, you see. Not because she’s a whore.

Anyway, if Charlize wants a guy to put a baby in her now, I’m the man willing to do it. You can call me a hero, a champion, a god among men, but I much prefer you call me a cab. I gotta get outta here before Charlize wakes up.

Ryan Reynolds was spotted at dinner with his ex, Scarlett Johansson, last Friday in LA but they’re probably not getting back together because sources tell Us that he and Charlize Theron have been “dating” for months. They’re exclusive and on the down low.

A witness noticed Ryan’s motorcycle at Charlize’s house the entire morning of June 5 then saw him leave at around 3 p.m. and her leave minutes later.

“They’re both career-focused,” explains the source, “but not in a crazy way.”

For instance, don’t expect to see the stars side-by-side on a red carpet. “She won’t go to an event with him,” the insider says of Theron, who split with love of nine years Stuart Townsend in 2010. “That’s not her style.”

If you’re keeping score, it’s Ryan Reynolds – 1, Scarlett Johansson – 0. Bouncing from Ryan to Sean Penn is like downgrading from a Lambo to a VW. Going from Scarlett to Charlize Theron is more of a lateral transition.

Charlize Theron makes an appearance in the September 2010 edition of Elle Russia. She looks fantastic. Way better than I expected her to look. Looking at Charlize is like watching two angels have sex. The beauty of it brings a tear to your eye.