Charlize Theron tells W Magazine that she was an ugly kid until she turned 16. For the first eight years of her life, Charlize Theron didn’t have any front teeth because antibiotics rotted them out. Of course, her teeth eventually grew out and she went to Milan to model. She still has to pad her bra though. Celebrities. They’re just like us!

Like the “cutlets.” Mavis wears flesh-­colored glue-on gel-filled “breasts” over her real ones.
I wear those! If you don’t have boobs, you wear those cutlets. I heard a story of a girl who was on a date, started making out, and thought, Oh, he’s going to touch the cutlets! So she went to the bathroom to take them off, but her purse was too small to put them in there. I always thought that was a funny image, a woman not knowing what to do with these things that you stick onto your boobs. It’s just the most bizarre, unsexy thing there is—so I added that to Mavis.

Growing up in South Africa, were you always tall and blonde and beautiful?
For the first eight years of my life, I didn’t have front teeth. I was pretty sick as an infant, and antibiotics rotted them. But then I started to take dance classes, and I eventually got some teeth [laughs]. When I was 16, I went to Milan to model.

Did you dream of being an actress?
I wanted to be a ballerina, but I was too tall, and I had too many injuries. What I loved as a ballerina was telling stories, and I could also do that with acting, so I eventually moved to L.A. W Magazine

Oh, sure, sure. I was an ugly kid too. Too tall and my biceps were too bulgy. And I also wanted to be an international model but my features were too chiseled. Apparently if I had modeled, digital artists would be out of a job so they got together and banned me from the industry. True story.

Like every hot actress out there, Charlize Theron has her own ugly duckling story. Hers is the usual. Nerdy, glasses, crushes and a distinct lack of boyfriends.

“I wore really nerdy glasses because I was blind as could be and the boys didn’t like [me],” the actress, 36, told PEOPLE recently in New York. “I didn’t have any boyfriends, but lots of crushes.” PEOPLE

One thing different with her story is she was a borderline stalker of the popular girl in her class.

“I wasn’t in the popular crowd. There was a really popular girl at school and I was obsessed with her. I mean you would go to jail for that stuff today,” Theron says with a laugh. “I was in tears one day because I couldn’t sit next to her.”

Of course, she was teased relentlessly but learned to brush it off.

“I actually got a lot of the mean girl stuff from the ages of 7 to 12. I was pretty much a mess in primary school,” she admits. “But I got that out of my system by the time I got to high school and was more immune to all of that stuff.”

And look at her today. A hot, young, Oscar winning actress. If those boys could see her now. Actually, they probably do, only, they probably can’t see the double middle fingers Charlize Theron gives them every night. “Haha, screw you losers,” she screams at her yearbook before bed.

Here’s Charlize Theron attending the Gotham Awards last night in NYC. If Courtney Cox is the 99%, Charlize Theron is the 1%. Boo! Hiss! Let’s stage a protest called Occupy Charlize Theron. It’ll be a great excuse for sitting outside her house in a tent and watching her through the window with binoculars.

Charlize Theron covers the December issue of Vogue to promote her new film, Young Adult, directed by Jason Reitman and written by Diablo Cody (groan).

It’s a warm autumn evening in Los Angeles, and I’m sitting with Theron at a near-empty Japanese restaurant. Up the road, Barack Obama is wooing the beautiful and boldfaced at a $17,900-a-plate fund-raiser, and for hours, the Hollywood sky has rattled with helicopters. But this feels like a much better place to be, across a small table from the 36-year-old native South African and Oscar winner who director Jason Reitman (Up in the Air, Juno) says is “in every conversation about the greatest living actresses.” There’s also sake, poured in wooden boxes filled to the brim, so that one has no choice but to lean over, inelegantly dip one’s nose, and slurp it like a Labrador retriever. Which now I do.

Theron laughs loudly. “That’s why I ordered it,” she says. “To make you do that.”

I’d been warned about Theron. Good warnings. She is an actress who doesn’t take herself seriously, who loathes phoniness, who chooses not to live in a gilded fantasy of air kisses and fake compliments, and is not afraid of an adult beverage, a pointed jab, or a scattering of F-bombs.Vogue

Charlize seems pretty cool. Though she should have gave the interviewer a weird look like “what the hell are you doing?” just to make him feel even more awkward. Like I always say, you don’t really know a person until you embarrass them in public.

Charlize Theron has babies on the brain. In an interview with In Touch, Charlize says, “I want a baby. If it would happen tomorrow I would still be very happy about it.”

She’s even considering adopting. “Why not?,” she asks, “I’m open to everything in life.” Much like her legs. Amirite? Guys? Because she wants a baby, you see. Not because she’s a whore.

Anyway, if Charlize wants a guy to put a baby in her now, I’m the man willing to do it. You can call me a hero, a champion, a god among men, but I much prefer you call me a cab. I gotta get outta here before Charlize wakes up.

Ryan Reynolds was spotted at dinner with his ex, Scarlett Johansson, last Friday in LA but they’re probably not getting back together because sources tell Us that he and Charlize Theron have been “dating” for months. They’re exclusive and on the down low.

A witness noticed Ryan’s motorcycle at Charlize’s house the entire morning of June 5 then saw him leave at around 3 p.m. and her leave minutes later.

“They’re both career-focused,” explains the source, “but not in a crazy way.”

For instance, don’t expect to see the stars side-by-side on a red carpet. “She won’t go to an event with him,” the insider says of Theron, who split with love of nine years Stuart Townsend in 2010. “That’s not her style.”

If you’re keeping score, it’s Ryan Reynolds – 1, Scarlett Johansson – 0. Bouncing from Ryan to Sean Penn is like downgrading from a Lambo to a VW. Going from Scarlett to Charlize Theron is more of a lateral transition.

Charlize Theron makes an appearance in the September 2010 edition of Elle Russia. She looks fantastic. Way better than I expected her to look. Looking at Charlize is like watching two angels have sex. The beauty of it brings a tear to your eye.

Breaking: Charlize Theron went shopping and bent over to put her groceries in the car thereby achieving unprecedented levels of sexiness.

The 82nd Academy Awards, otherwise known as the Oscars, are on today. I’m told this is a big deal. Apparently a bunch of big shot Hollywood celebrities gather around the Kodak Theatre and tell each other how great they were last year. And people actually want to see it. Weird.

A bunch of other sites are live blogging this and are doing a much better job at it than me so I’ll do the next best thing. Almost live ambiguous updates. That’s where I just post stuff like “OMG” and “Can you believe that?” and you have to figure out what I’m talking about. It’ll be really fun, trust me. Hey, where are you going?

To start things off. OMG! Can you believe that?

Below: Charlize Theron. Stuart Townsend isn’t in any of these so hopefully that means she’s single.

The good news is that for a mere $140,000, Charlize Theron will make out with you for 20 seconds like she did with one lucky winner at the OneXOne fundraiser in SF yesterday. The bad news is that to get that kind of cash you’ll have to come out of forced retirement and work that corner again. Us writes:

And while she was initially selling a 2010 trip to South Africa that included World Cup tickets, a safari and a meet-and-greet with Nelson Mandela, she raised the stakes when bidding stalled at $37,000, far below the $280,000 Jeremy Piven had just raised.

“For f*** sake! You can do better,” she tells attendees. “There is no way I am leaving here with Jeremy Piven getting a higher bid. I’ve got t**** for God’s sake.”

To sweeten the pot, she offered up a 7-second kiss for $130,000 to a male bidder. “Swine flu is going around. This is high risk kissing!” she told him.

After one man bid $135,000, a woman upped the stakes to $140,000 — ascending the stage for a 20-second smooch as the audience counted down.

And that concludes the story of how I just masturbated two minutes ago.

When Will Smith first met Charlize Theron, he punched her in the face. At the time, Smith was training for his role as Muhammad Ali in Ali while shooting for The Legend of Bagger Vance. Theron asked Smith to show her some of his moves and that’s when he floored her. Not with his likable personality, but with a right straight or left hook.

“The first time I worked with him he punched me in the face. He was training for ‘Ali.’ I encouraged him to show me a couple of moves. I was completely knocked out!”

She added: “Seriously, though, I’d be happy to be punched out by Will anytime. He swore to me that it was an accident.”

Thank god Chris Tucker wasn’t in the movie or else he’d be pushing paramedics out of the way so he could step over her body and exclaim, “You got knocked da fuck out!”

Also, what’s with the double standards. When Will Smith punches a woman out, it becomes a funny anecdote to later tell reporters. When I do it, I get sued and slapped with a restraining order. Wait, Will Smith did drag her by the hair back to his house and tie her up in the basement afterward, right?

Dear Charlize Theron,

Next time you’re at the beach, please wear a bikini. K Thnx Bye.

It’s not that rare of an occurrence seeing Charlize Theron naked in a movie. She’s shown her tits in 2 Days in the Valley, The Devil’s Advocate, Deception and Monster. Nevertheless, it’s always a pleasure to see her boobs again. This time in The Burning Plain. I’m told she plays a woman who gets naked in the film. Yep, I’m just a wealth of information. Click the header for the NSFW version.

[Image via The Sun]