Chelsea Handler and a “dude with gold shoes” were escorted out of a stall in the men’s room by the bouncer at the Frying Pan Bar last Monday.

Handler was there for a party for Standard Hotel employees on the restored boat in the Hudson River, docked north of Chelsea Piers, with her boyfriend Andre Balazs.

A spy said Handler started her night out with vodka on the rocks and was “totally cool and unassuming.” But things apparently got wilder later in the evening. — Page Six

No word on what Handler was doing in the men’s room, coke or sex, but I assume it’s coke because you got to be high as hell to go into a stall with Chelsea Handler.

At first I was really excited because I thought this was Emmy Rossum describing penetration but I must have been blinded by joy because this is the complete opposite of that. Curses!

Emmy Rossum stars in Shameless which evidently has tons of sex scenes and when you have that many, you apparently run the risk of accidental penetration or as I’d like to call it, surprise sex, so Emmy needs a way to prevent that from happening. Luckily, there’s an app for that.

Rossum appeared on “Chelsea Lately” on Monday night, and the host, Chelsea Handler, couldn’t help but ask just how she avoids turning a steamy cable sex scene into something more — or, as she not so delicately put it, how she avoids penetration.

“We like it to be realistic but not real, but I wear something I call the ‘vag pad,’ it’s kind of a little triangular panty liner that you stick to you…”

Of course, given that it’s an active, “slippery situation,” sometimes, more than the pad is needed. She explains that in the video.

“It doesn’t make sense that the character would wear a bra and care at all about what she looks like when she’s having sex,” she said. “Sex is meant to feel good, and she wants to feel good. Her life is so shitty in so many ways. Some people use alcohol, some people use gambling–and some people use sex.”

Being so close to having sex with Emmy must make the guys so sexually frustrated by the time the scene ends. They probably go back to their dressing room and whack off so hard that they put a hole through the wall with their ejaculate.

“Chelsea Handler makes fun of peoples kids… Probably because she’s a dried up old whore” — Jenna Jameson

Presumably in response to a Glamour interview where Chelsea said she didn’t like the word “raunchy” because it reminds her of Jenna Jameson. Regardless, um… pot, meet kettle.

50 Cent was shot 9 times, or 3 if you read the police report, but none of that compares to the pain of Chelsea Handler stomping all over his heart with a pair of Crocs.

According to Us, Chelsea dumped 50 before the holidays and left him weeping like a widdle baby. It said “heartbroken” but I read between the lines. 50 Cent even tried to win her back by spending Christmas sending her gifts. Gifts that Chelsea all sent back with a note that read, “I can buy my own gifts.”

Chelsea has since moved on to Uma Thurman’s ex, Andre Balazs. They were seen kissing at Bing Bar on January 22 at Sundance.

When I think of 50 Cent and his bulletproof vest, the first thing that comes to mind is him sobbing into his stuffed animals after getting dumped. So this makes perfect sense. Especially since he was dumped by Chelsea Handler. She’s quite the catch (ers mitt).

Jennifer Aniston is still pissed that Chelsea Handler made that Angelina Jolie joke. So much so that she’s been giving her the cold shoulder.

“Jen and Chelsea haven’t officially fallen out but they certainly won’t be going on vacation together for a long time unless Chelsea promises to never talk about Angelina again,” a friend of Chelsea’s tells me. “She understands that what Chelsea did was out of loyalty, but it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.”

“Jen is a very private person,” a friend of Aniston’s tells me. “It’s one thing to crash Angelina in private; it’s another to do it in public. Chelsea should have known better and is feeling Jen’s cold shoulder for her mistake.”

A good way for Jennifer to convince people she’s still not hung up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is to stop talking about it. It’s already been two weeks since this happened and 100 years since they broke up. You’d think people would be over it by now but no, Jennifer Aniston and friends have turned herself into a cautionary tale. “Don’t get Jennifer Aniston’d or you won’t get over it for the rest of your life and end up a lonely spinster,” women will say to each other about their boyfriend’s girlfriends.

Chelsea Handler posted the picture above of her and 50 Cent in bed together with the caption “I don’t know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper,” thus proving once in for all they may or may not be dating. Consider all your questions answered and this case, closed. Good day, sir. I said, good day, sir!

Popeater says Jennifer Aniston told Chelsea Handler to please STFU about Angelina Jolie and that she’s “furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again.” Sources say Jen hasn’t felt this betrayed since John Mayer held a press conference to announce their breakup.

Turns out Handler didn’t take the hint because in an interview with Katie Couric on Glamour, she again attacks Angelina.

KATIE COURIC: Your humor can be pretty out there. Do you self-edit?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I’m pretty clear about what I’m willing to say and the lengths I’m willing to go, and I think it’s important to be politically incorrect. You don’t want to be nasty, and you don’t want to be malicious. But it’s OK—I mean, funny trumps everything in my mind.

KATIE COURIC: Is there anybody who really makes you laugh? A woman who really makes you laugh, other than me?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She’s irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails.

KATIE COURIC: She’s funny?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Very.

KATIE COURIC: And speaking of that, wow, girl, you went off on Angelina Jolie recently.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yeah, I’m not a fan. She just doesn’t come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you’d really want to avoid.

KATIE COURIC: What’s your take on bullying?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I think bullying of anybody, whether they’re gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable. I dealt with it, and I did it. It’s terrible. And you want the school to tell people that at some point you all grow up, and it was a terrible thing to do, and be a reminder of it’s never acceptable. I was tortured for a year in school by the older girls. They didn’t like the way I looked; I dated a guy that was a senior when I was a freshman. And it was awful. But I think bullies just need to be taught by their parents how to treat other people.

The most idiotic thing about this interview is when Chelsea condemns bullying. May I remind you this is after she calls Angelina an insincere b*tch c*nt home-wrecker. Golf clap.

Chelsea Handler doesn’t see what the big deal is about calling Angelina Jolie a b*tch c*nt home wrecker. On her show yesterday, Handler says she’s been making fun of Angelina ever since she made out with her brother. “If I’ve learned nothing from this, it’s to write some new jokes,” Handler quipped.

First of all, like everyone has said, it was Brad who left Jennifer’s boring ass. There was no stealing or using of feminine wiles. Brad isn’t just a mindless moth that flew to a brighter light. Though he did. Second of all, Chelsea Handler’s hate mail must be hilarious. They either read “FUUUUUUUUUU!” or are thesis papers on why she’s unfunny and how big of a b*tch she is.

Chelsea Handler, who’s best friends with Jennifer Aniston and who spent Thanksgiving with her in a bikini in Mexico (pictures here), went on a rant about Angelina Jolie at her show in Newark, New Jersey Friday night calling her a “home-wrecking b*tch” and a “c*nt.”

“She’s a homewrecker, she is. She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don’t f***ing believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Cause you’re a f**king c**t … you’re a f***ing b***h.”

This is probably why Jennifer Aniston hasn’t had a real boyfriend in a while. Because people won’t let this go. Every other conversation will be about how Angelina stole Brad away from her. Jesus, if you like him so much, why don’t you marry… oh, right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idqJ7puWALQ&feature=player_embedded

Jennifer Aniston may be dull as a rock and fugly but at least her body is still kickass for a 41-year-old. Way better than Chelsea Handler’s, who she spent Thanksgiving in Mexico with. If I had to choose between the two, I’d choose Jennifer and just pre-stab my ears with a chopstick so I wouldn’t have to hear her shrill whining.

*Waves hand in front of face* This never happened. Chelsea Handler took to Twitter to deny rumors that she’s dating 50 Cent. “Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. There’s nothing to report yet, ill let you know if there is,” tweeted Chelsea.

Earlier, a source told Us, “It’s been going on a while. It’s more of a hookup thing — whenever they are in the same town.”

Did anyone else get shivers down their spine imagining 50 Cent and Chelsea Handler have sex. 50 Cent mumbles everything he says like he can’t be bothered to finish a sentence. Chelsea is just annoying. Sex between them would be like a turtle humping a chihuahua with a bedazzled vagina.

Twitter’s biggest troll 50 Cent and Chelsea Handler were photographed at the Blue Nile jazz bar in New Orleans Sunday night on a supposed date. TMZ says they were all up in each others grills. According to the book of slang I got for Christmas, that means they were getting “hot and heavy.”

I wonder how the date went when Chelsea busted out the black people jokes or is that something you’re only supposed to joke about in a room of non-black people. Hm, that may explain this black eye I have.

There’s this big fuss about the release of Chelsea Handler’s sex tape but I don’t know why. She’s not that attractive or funny and her tits aren’t 34DD’s. You could go to any amateur porn site and find someone ten times hotter but visiting porn sites makes you a perv and watching a celebrity sex tape just makes you curious.

Anyway, back in 2001, Handler went topless in a sex scene in The Plotters, a cinematic masterpiece that starred her and Brandon Credeur. What? You don’t know who Brandon Credeur is? Well, he was in The Plotters as “car salesman”. He also had fake sex with Chelsea in the same movie. NSFW video here.

Ugh, I’ve filmed bowel movements more exciting than this. The entire scene is awkward and robotic. It’s like someone sneaked a camera into their drama class.

Thanks, InstaCelebs.