Good news, everybody. Chloe Sevigny’s gender reassignment is coming along nicely. Just slap a penis on her and she’ll be good to go.

Here’s Chloe Sevigny dressed as Terry Richardson on the cover of Candy magazine as photographed by Richardson himself.

All she needs to do now is corner a model who’s new to the business and tell her to “jack me off while I take pictures” and it’ll be 100% authentic.

Aww, crap. The Jersey Shore is infiltrating the mainstream. All those dead birds falling out of the sky in the Midwest, those fish washing up dead onshore and now Chloe Sevigny possibly dating Pauly D? According to the bible, these are signs of the apocolypse.

Not to worry. Much like gangrene, the best way to take care of this is to cut off the limb before the infection spreads. Sorry, Chloe but you’re now collateral damage.

Chloe Sevigny was also at Miami Beach both on Friday and Sunday. She looks not too bad actually. In fact, 9 guys out of 10 have said, “I’d hit it.” Later, those 9 guys went back to playing World of Warcraft.

Chloe Sevigny, promoting for her new film The Wait, says she likes men who look like lumberjacks and is into a little hair pulling and aggression during sex.

“I want a guy who is masculine, good with his hands, and able to build stuff and who has survival skills. Facial hair is a big turn-on…I like a stronger, more physically imposing man – like a lumberjack. I’m into a little hair pulling. I like boys to be aggressive and allow me to be a little aggressive back.”

Missing from Chloe’s description of the perfect man is the ability to trick her into blowing them on camera and having the footage released as a movie in the name of art.

Guess who else was down at Miami Beach? Everyone’s favorite fellatio giver, Chloe Sevigny. Her career may have died after The Brown Bunny but her Gollum-like mannerisms sure didn’t. So pretty.

A reporter tried to pay Chloe Sevigny a compliment by telling her she’s sexier than the socialite Paris Hilton. She didn’t seem to like that too much and responded,

“Well, I don’t find trashy sexy, so I’ll try to take that as a compliment.”

This is the same girl who starred in the Brown Bunny. Who, against the advice of everybody around her, sucked off Vincent Gallo on camera because she trusted his “vision.” This would be like me making fun of a homeless guy while I rooted through the dumpster to find dinner. Clearly there’s a difference. He lives in a box. I live in a crack house. Keyword: house.