For all intents and purposes, Gwyneth Paltrow is a pretentious b*tch. Maybe not one-on-one but that’s how she sounds judging by her GOOP newsletters. One person who might agree with me is her husband Chris Martin.

Martin was not too pleased to have to go to one of Gwyneth’s pretentious dinner parties in New York to celebrate her new cookbook. While a bunch of other famous people seemed happy to be there, Martin “arrived cranky and a publicist warned, ‘he doesn’t want to talk.’” No problem. Other people did. Ugh. Now entering pretentious story mode.

Jessica Seinfeld reminded the crowd how lucky they were to be invited. “You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth’s world,” Seinfeld said to the guests. “Because this is the real deal. And she’s invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.”

Christy Turlington revealed that Gwyneth is a whiz when it comes to killing lobsters. “It’s not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It’s a different, faster approach. I could never do it,” Turlington said about how Paltrow prepares them for the boil. “You stick a knife through the head,” said Turlington, who seemed suddenly troubled. “Oh! That’s awful to say.”

Michael Stipe was happy to rib Gwyneth for a cooking faux pas. “Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.”

Throwing a duck in the pool? Haha! How marvelously normal! Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s just like you and me. If we came from a cheesy 80′s sitcom. I bet the real story is she forced the maid wear the duck on her head to teach her a lesson and she couldn’t take the flaming duck off her head until she figured out what that lesson was.

On Monday, Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, wrestled a cameraman outside of Mount Sinai hospital in New York where his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, was hospitalized (for what some believe was either a miscarriage or because of fasting) and tried to steal his camera.

So, was Chris Martin beating him up or dry humping him? Can Coldplay lead to anything other than dry humping? Discuss.

Things did not go well at a press conference with Chris Martin in Brazil and have caused reporters to give their condolences to wife Gwyneth Paltrow. At the Folha de Sao Paulo junket, Chris became agitated whenever anyone mentioned his significant other. When asked about the possibility of singing a duet with Gwyneth, Chris quipped,

“What’s your favorite sexual position?”

After Paltrow’s name was brought up again, Chris stormed out. At one point, the Coldplay singer criticized the music industry for only caring if songs could be sold as ring tones.

In another interview in Mexico City, Martin characterizes a track on his new album as something people should hear before they die.

“In order for us to get excited about a new album, we have to have one song that we feel like everybody has to hear … before we die, otherwise we’ll be terribly depressed,” Martin said. “So luckily with this new record we’re going to make, we have that one song.”

Chris Martin suffers from a condition 1% of men know all too well. Sand in the vagina. Sand in the vagina manifests itself as child-like tantrums when the center of attention shifts to someone other than one’s self. The treatment, not yet approved by the FDA, is a simple kick to the groin and must be administered without hesitation. Side effects may include tingly testicles, vomiting, nausea, stomach pain, sterility and possibly death. If you or anyone you know suffers from sand in the vagina, please inform them immediately and proceed with treatment. Please do not be angered with Chris Martin’s actions. He just has a sandy vagina.