PEOPLE’s 100 Most Beautiful issue reads like a Hallmark sympathy card. Number one on the list is Christina Applegate. What? Is this because she had a mastectomy? Or is this one of those things like “100 Most Beautiful People (on the inside)?” This is so infuriating. Where’s Megan Fox? Other celebs included on the list are Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and Jennier Lopez which are staples in your standard “Beautiful People” list.

If they’re going to put Christina Applegate as the cover girl, they might as well have put Knut the polar bear at #86, that cat that slides through boxes at #73 and that girl at Starbucks who I swear is really into me at #15.

In the beginning of August, Christina Applegate discovered she had an early form of breast cancer. In an interview airing today, Christina tells Good Morning America, “I’m clear. Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I’m definitely not going to die from breast cancer.”

Christina also reveals to GMA that she had a double mastectomy three weeks ago to completely rid herself of the cancer cells and will have reconstructive surgery.

“I’m going to have cute boobs ’til I’m 90, so there’s that,” she joked in the interview, which aired Tuesday. “I’ll have the best boobs in the nursing home. I’ll be the envy of all the ladies around the bridge table.”

Plastic surgeons are awesome. Fifty years ago, reconstruction would have made Christina’s breasts look Frankenstein-ish or Tara Reid-ish. Now we’re so advanced, you can have gel implants and they’ll feel like the real thing. I hear they’re even developing cup holders and flashlights for them now. Is there anything science can’t do?

Following a doctor ordered MRI, physicians have diagnosed Christina Applegate with an early form a breast cancer. Her rep released a statement that says as long as Christina follows the recommended treatment, she should make a full recovery.

If I were a doctor and I had to tell someone they had cancer, I’d do it in the form of a knock-knock joke. You know, try to bring some levity to the situation.

Me: “Knock knock.”
Patient: “Who’s there?”
Me: “Breast cancer”
Patient: “Um… breast cancer who?”
Me: “Breast cancer you. You have it! We need to remove your breasts. Hahahahahahha.”
Patient: “That’s not funny at all.”
Me: “Oh.”

Christina Applegate’s boyfriend, Lee Grivas, was found dead from a heroin overdose on July 1. Shocking. Christina Applegate has had a boyfriend? The National Enquirer writes:

A source close to Grivas told The National Enquirer: “Lee also had a long history of drug problems, dating back to his teen years. Christina broke up with him a number of times because of his struggles with getting clean. She loved him, but couldn’t stand by and watch him ruin his life.”

After the lovers reunited in April, Grivas left Christina in a last-ditch bid to get sober, according to the source.

“Christina loved Lee dearly and even dreamed of starting a family with him,” the insider told The National Enquirer.

I couldn’t, rather, I was too lazy to find a picture of Christina and Lee so here’s a somewhat related photo of Christina at the Over Her Dead Body premiere. What? Why are you giving me that look?

The 33rd Annual People’s Choice Awards were held last night. I didn’t watch it because I was busy eating. Also, I had no idea it was on yesterday. It’s not liked it mattered much because as long as we have pictures of all the pretty people then everything is gravy.

Among the arrivals were Hayden Panettiere, Christina Applegate, Carmen Electra, Ali Larter, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Aniston, Katherine Heigl and Halle Berry. I’m not sure why, but Jennifer Aniston just annoys me in the pictures. Halle Berry was really gold and Ali Larter is relevant again. Sadly, Cameron Diaz is now lonely in addition to dumb. Err, sad for her, not anyone else. A lot more after the jump.

Ali Larter

Cameron Diaz

Carmen Electra

Christina Applegate

Eva Longoria

Halle Berry

Hayden Panettiere

Jaime King

Jennifer Aniston

Katherin Heigl

Father Time must be punishing Christina Applegate. Father Time must be beating Christina Applegate like a child who blew the cocaine off the mirror. If anyone can remember past 10 years ago, then you may remember Christina Applegate was considered hot. Unless there is a new style in Hollywood called “The Teri Hatcher”, I’m not sure what’s going on.

Although, there are some benefits from looking like your 50 when you’re actually 35. For example: She’ll never be carded when buying malt liquor. If Tales From the Crypt ever comes to the big screen, she’d be a shoe-in for the Crypt Keeper. She can start collecting social security and no one will question it. See? Looking like you’re 5 years from death isn’t all that bad.