Madonna’s handsome brother, Christopher Ciccone, took a moment away from admiring his receding hairline, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and double chin to critique his sister’s recent look. He could take a lesson or two from me in insults and learn how to properly utilize the sandwich technique: insult, compliment, insult. Without my assistance, Ciccone is only capable of throwing up jabs that barely make any sense.

E! News believes he was speaking ill of the pop icon’s outfit at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards when he said, “She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong!”

I’m so terribly confused by this statement. Isn’t Rachel Zoe already a version a Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong? And isn’t Madonna already considered an expired version of herself as well? Ciccone probably yells out similar insults to his own reflection, “You’re like a man-sized Khloe Kardashian who only uses her sister’s fame for personal gain, who has nice hair, and also has double chins!”  After which, I would applaud him for his successful execution of the sandwich technique.

[Image: Splash News]

A blog supposedly written by Madonna’s brother, Christopher Ciccone, has appeared on Blogspot. According to the writer, the blog exists to tell the stories about Madonna that weren’t allowed in his book because of legal reasons. If this sounds far-fetched to you, that’s because it’s 100% fake.

One entry posted on the site tells about the time when Madonna was rehearsing a song called Warning SIgns for a scene in Visionquest. To improve her voice, she calls upon a specialist named Johnny.

“Chris, you have to go now,” she exclaims. I tell her that I can just stay in the other room, but she argues. Before she can say anything else, Johnny arrives at the door. His gives me a strange look, but it’s not a threatening one. “He’s leaving now,” Madonna says and gives me a look that reads, “Get out of her or else!”

Johnny gives me that enticing look again and answers, “Actually, he could stay.” He smiles at both Madonna and I, who are at first fascinated at the thought of a threesome until the fact that we are brother and sister hits us. When Madonna informs Johnny that I’m her brother, he answers, “You guys don’t have to touch each other.” Johnny then proceeds to take off his pants and then his underwear. After our eyes glue to Johnny’s huge snake, Madonna and I look at each other in amazement. I immediately rush over to it as my mouth waters.

“Sorry,” Madonna says and pushes me away. She then gulps Johnny’s snake like it’s some type of watermelon. Johnny sits down on a chair and I feel a little bit left out until he informs me to take off my clothes. I feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of my sister, but Madonna is so preoccupied that she barely notices.

“Come here!” Johnny says and I walk towards him. Johnny then proceeds to suck my snake like it’s a watermelon and both of us are moaning in harmony. At least it’s more harmonious than Madonna’s singing throughout the day. Suddenly, Johnny’s moans become louder until I can hear Madonna make gulping noises. Johnny doesn’t swallow, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. Right after Johnny leaves, Madonna proceeds to sing and she sounds wonderful. Her performance of “Warning Signs” is a knockout that evening, even though they end up cutting the scene from the film.

This reads like erotic fiction. And how does one “gulp Johnny’s snake like it’s some type of watermelon?” Can you even gulp a watermelon? Is Madonna the snake? Did she unhinge her jaw to take it down her throat? I don’t get it. I couldn’t even get into this because of the glaring errors regarding human anatomy. Maybe he should have written that she gulped Johnny’s snake like a 42 oz. McDonald’s soft drink. Although, that doesn’t have the same ring to it.