Ali Lohan may have signed a contract with Next Model Management but when it comes down to it, she just doesn’t have the genetics Cindy Crawford’s ten-year-old daughter Kaia does. Kaia has already made her debut in the very first Young Versace ad. Cindy Crawford said in a press release:

I’m so thrilled that Kaia was chosen to be part of the first Young Versace Campaign.
‘I have so many fond memories of the times I spent with Gianni and Donatella. There is something so very special about the House of Versace.’ Daily Mail

Donatella Versace fellates Kaia some more.

Like her mother, Kaia has a very special gift. The camera really, really loves her.
‘Having Cindy on-set for the shoot took me back to all the amazing Avedon shoots we worked on together. It was such a special treat watching Kaia walk in her mother’s footsteps!’

I still don’t understand why models are paid so much money. They just stand there while the photographer tells them what to do. Mastering that craft is about as hard as mastering walking in a straight line. Look, a 10-year-old can even do it.

Though that’s not to say breaking into the field is as easy as it should be. The only jobs Ali Lohan has been getting lately are press releases telling everyone how great she is.

Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber have a difficult time finding alone time what with their stupid nosey kids so they sneak off to their guesthouse for sex. There’s no foreplay either because there’s no time for that. This is a life and death situation.

“Sometimes we don’t bother with the candle light. Sometimes you just have to do it! You know, you’re in a time crunch. You don’t want the kids walking in, that happened to us not that long ago.”
Although they have been caught in the act by their children, Cindy doesn’t get embarrassed and says her kids are now aware that she and Randy need quality time together.
Cindy explained to US TV show ‘Access Hollywood’: “We had our door locked and we never lock our door lock and our daughter comes… She’s like, ‘What are you doing in there?’ I said, ‘You know what, Daddy and I are spending some time together,’ and then she was like, ‘Oh God! I don’t want to hear that!’
“Now, she knows if the door is closed and locked, don’t [try to come in].”

Damn kids. If they’re not whining about food, they’re calling the cops because you tied them to their bed so they can’t barge in the room while you have sex in your sex house. Honestly, kids these days.

Former supermodel Cindy Crawford went to the cops after a creepy German model named Kayalar tried to extort $100,000 from her in exchange for pictures he had of Cindy’s 7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.”

The photograph is said to be stolen from Crawford’s former nanny who had been dating Kayalar. The nanny claims it was taken during a game of cops and robbers.

Kayalar said he saw the picture once at her apartment, an FBI affidavit says. The nanny told him it was Crawford’s daughter and boasted, “Do you know how much this picture is worth?”

According to Kayalar, he took the photograph along with a hand-written note that said, “The babysitter went crazy & tied everyone up& they need your help! Please.” (It’s the note she would have used as part of the prank).

Initially, Kayalar claimed he was broke and asked for a reward for returning the photo. Naturally, Cindy told the cops and the they picked up Kayalar and sent him to immigration who threw him out of the country. It didn’t stop there though, Kayalar is now trying to blackmail Crawford again by threatening to sell the pictures to tabloids if $100,000 isn’t wired to his German bank account. No money has been wired and the FBI is still searching for him.

Wait. Let’s go back to the cops and robbers thing. Shouldn’t the cops be more concerned with the nanny? The description makes it sound like Kaia was bound and gagged in sexy lingerie. I mean, I’ve never played cops and robbers before, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it goes. Unless it is. In which case, any sexy ladies want to play a game?

For years, Cindy Crawford was one of the world’s biggest supermodels. Now that she’s 40 and her body’s changing and no one wants her anymore, of course she’s going to tell people that she’s too “healthy” to be a model.

“I would not have become a supermodel in 2009. I look too healthy,” Crawford told Bunte.

“A body like mine with big breasts, normal thighs and toned upper arms” is no longer what the industry is looking for, she said.

Crawford, 43, said she was happy with her physique but worried about the effects of ageing like wrinkles and bulges.

“That’s why I like being in my 40s so much — being at peace with yourself, knowing about your strengths beyond being pretty,” she said.

That’s the same reason I can’t become a model. My bulging biceps would rip through designer clothes, people would get lost in my eyes and not even pay attention to what I’m modeling and the bulge in my pants would be way too distracting. Sometimes I think I’m cursed.

Take note, Sharon Stone. This is how old age is done. In a bikini. With dignity. On a yacht. While some old guy’s belly fat flops down on the table where you eat. Not topless in an obscure-to-Americans French magazine.

I know these are a few days old, but it’s Cindy Crawford in a bikini for god’s sake. This is like me finding out I have a slice of ham for the two pieces of bread I was about to eat. In other words, mildly exciting.

Allure: Hey Cindy, welcome to the shoot.
Cindy: Hi. Thanks for having me.
Allure: Let’s get started. First, we’re going to have you tear this loaf of bread.
Cindy: Okay, sure.
Allure: Great. Now we’re going to have a robot shave you.
Cindy: Uh, I don’t really get it and I don’t have facial hair, but okay.
Allure: These look great so far, Cindy. Now, you see that shaving cream that the robot used to shave you with?
Cindy: Yea…?
Allure: Have you ever done nudity before?
Cindy: Not really.
Allure: That’s alright. You won’t be completely nude.
Cindy: Um.
Allure: Anyway, see that shaving cream? Can you get naked and lather your body with it?
Cindy: Is this like a metaphor or something?
Allure: Oh, metaphor…. ya… sure…
Cindy: [confused, lathers body]
Allure: Fabulous. You look beautiful. Gorgeous.
Cindy: Thanks.
Allure: Okay. Now we’re going to hang you by your hair from a rope.
Cindy: You’re not from Allure, are you? And I’m never going to be able to leave, am I?
Allure: Nope.

NSFW if you stare really hard.

Cindy Crawford is 42, but she might as well be immortal because her body still looks better than those of half of the younger celebrities. I mean, if Tara Reid and Cindy Crawford were ever to see each other naked, it would result in uncontrollable sobbing from both of them. From Cindy because she just saw the Frankenstein of celebrities. “Those folds. Those warped breasts. The horror, the horror,” she would cry. From Tara because, well, that’s what ugly people do.

Cindy Crawford was in France with her husband Randy Gerber doing supermodely stuff like yachting, swimming, jet skiing and climbing out of the water in slow motion. Not surprisingly, George Clooney showed up because rest assured, wherever there are supermodels, George will be there to hit the surrounding men with a pool noodle.

Tara Reid has some competition. A daring photographer took an action shot of Cindy Crawford showing off her stretch marks. It’s hard to define what sexy is nowadays what with plastic surgery and the ability to hide adam’s apples, but I think Cindy does a good job of getting us one step closer to a universal understanding of the word. Rawr.

Here’s Cindy Crawford walking along the beach with her portly friend. I’m sure it must be easy for Cindy to convince others to do the heavy lifting. She can say stuff like, “Hey, why don’t you carry that luggage over there? You need the exercise. What? I’m just looking out for you,” or “Hey, fatty. Yea, you. Take my bag of beauty products, but don’t try to use them. They won’t work on you because not only are you tubby, you’re ugly.” I haven’t realized this until now, but Cindy Crawford is mean.

Cindy Crawford sunbathed topless on a boat in St. Tropez a couple days back. IMDB says Cindy is 41. I say it doesn’t matter. She looks better than a few of those 20 something Hollywood whores. It’s almost as if she was cryogenically frozen and brought back to unleash her brand of sexy upon the world and only one thing can stop her. My cyborg penis. It shoots lasers. Pew pew pew. Some of these are NSFW. A few more below the fold.

The first two pictures are Cindy Crawford maniacally stuffing her face. I don’t know what’s going on in the last two pictures, but I can tell you that it is possibly a glimpse of the American dream. For there is nothing of greater importance than a supermodel bathing in champagne because isn’t that what America is all about?