Listen, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’m only posting these shots of Claire Danes at the Me & Orson Welles premiere because you can see her nipples. I don’t want there to be any lies between us. Having said that, it’s time you found out. I’m your father.

Apparently in the upcoming issue of BlackBook, they revamped Claire Danes’ image. They write,

BlackBook magazine has completely revamped Claire Danes’ image with a sexy new ‘powerhouse’ look for the cover of the September Fall Fashion issue (on newsstands next week). Shot in the penthouse of Manhattan’s Cooper Square Hotel, and inspired by the ‘Greed Decade’, the shoot shows Danes in an entirely new light and is one of the last major photo shoots before her marriage to Hugh Dancy next month.

At one point Danes found herself flat on her back, legs in mid-air, with two stylists yanking boots down on each foot: “I’ve never felt so infantilized in my life.” However, she looked anything but infant-like in the shoot, clad in high-heel boots, fishnets, and cropped, slicked hair.

Danes’ career is also going from strength to strength with new productions, including Richard Linklater’s upcoming film ‘Me and Orson Welles’ (starring alongside Zac Efron), and a controversial new movie, ‘Temple Grandin.’

No offense, but that was really long-winded. They could have just as easily chopped those three paragraphs down to “TITS!” Simple, concise and straight to the point. Tits are why people send me pictures, right? Or am I seriously confused?

Claire Danes is in Italy and, like every other celebrity, is in a bikini. Her favorite pasttimes include reading, acting and convincing people she’s not a 15-year-old boy.

For the past 22 years, Claire Danes has been in therapy. At the age of 6, her parents made her see a shrink after her imaginary friends turned on her.

“I was getting to be a bit of a neurotic mess, so my parents thought therapy might do me good. But ultimately I became more scared of my therapists than I was of these imaginary creatures.”

She continued her sessions even after overcoming her fear. At 28-years-old, Danes insists therapy has helped her become a better actor, but only if all the conditions are right.

Occasionally I get it right as an actress and feel proud of what I’ve done. But the conditions have to be just right. I have to be working with a director who is really capable and attentive. The weather has to be just so and the other actors have to be great. Then, for some reason, it works and I feel wonderful. But then something changes and I go back to square one again.

I’m assuming the conditions haven’t been right for a while because I can’t remember the last good movie she’s been in. Although, anyone could do anything if the conditions were just right. If you were charming and devilishly handsome with abs so hard they could crack diamonds like me, you’d have any girl you want, but you’re not, so… sucks to be you I guess.

Here’s Claire Danes gawking at something. Something big and most likely located under my belt. Jeez, stop staring. It’s embarrassing. I really had to pee, ok? Leave me alone.

I never noticed this before, but Claire Danes is oddly proportioned. She has a slender body with a long giraffe-like neck and big ears. If you ever needed to fly to the East Coast, I bet Dumbo here could give you some good rates.